Frank from Eldorado:
A horse whisperer whispers to horses. Does it follow, then, that a famous someone from Germany called Ratzinger “zings” to rats?

Ontario liquor-store employees are concerned about rumours the government is planning store closures and layoffs. Said a union spokesman: “We will not stand still! We will not whine and grumble, but gin up our efforts and strike if necessary!” Said a government representative: “They should remember that if they disrupt the supply of alcohol in the middle of a hot summer, instead of sympathy, they’ll get a lot of boos from the public.”

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Andrew from Dugald:
Whenever relatives that I don’t really care for come over, I serve them kin-dread spirits in the hope they might leave.

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FAST THYME AT FRIDGEMONT HIGH?

Dear Pungents, I know a ‘kitchen’ is where bad taste ends and good taste begins, but can we have some more puns about that arooma of my condoment? ~Paul, Bethesda, Maryland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Before eating your words, how should you cook them? With a my-crow-wave!”

2) (for linguists only) “How can you add a flavourful accent to your plates? Put them in the de-schwa-sher!”

3) “Speaking of which, is Justin Timberlake more qualified to be a dishwasher or a solo artist? Let’s just say he was better off In Sink!”

4) “Do rodentivores enjoy stoat-top stuffing? Yes – it can be prepared in a very weaselable amount of time.”

5) “At breakfast do cannibals like toes with jam?”

6) “Do jocks prefer drinking out of cups?” (POW)

7) “Were Hansel and Gretel initiated into the witches oven (coven)?”

8) “Boy these kitchen jokes are tasteless – someone must have put ’em in a blander.”

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TRAIN SPOTTY?

Dear Pungents, I need a headline/title for an article about public transportation (bus system) and how dirty and gross it is. Please ‘transfer’ me to the right person! ~Joshua, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) From public transit to ‘pube-lice’ transit

2) Fare is foul!

3) Metro-city atrocity: riding the vomit comet

4) Filthy, grimy transit = bad for bus-iness

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PUNS – THE BEST MEDICINE

Dear Pungents, I just underwent laparoscopic surgery (with four enemas, four puncture wounds and three painkiller prescriptions) to remove some ovarian cysts. Do you have any puns to keep me in stiches while I heal? ~Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) [Point to your puncture wounds] “With rends like these, who needs enemas?”

2) “If Whoopi Goldberg were my doctor, would that make this a Sister-Act-omy?” (cysterectomy, not hysterectomy)

3) “I was anxious prior to the surgery, but I’m glad it’s finally ovary.”

4) “You always take a chance when you have surgery. I just let the chips fallopian where they may.”

5) “I drove to the operating room with ovarian cysts, and I came out with a souped-up Vulva!”

6) “I was swearing like mad before they gave me the painkillers. Nothing like a lil’ ibu-profanity! But I guess all’s well that ends swell. I’m just aspirin’ to get better.”

7) “I’m so elated the surgery was a success – I’m ready to perform a laporoscopic dance!”

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PUN FIGHT AT THE JOKEY CORRAL

Dear Pungents, I am working at a camp and the theme is Western. I’d love some Western-themed puns- cowboys, rodeos, farmers, etc. thanks! ~Rachel, Winfield, British Colombia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “At the pervert rodeo you can either buck a bronco or grope a calf.”

2) “Who was the fattest lawman in the West? Wide Earp!”

3) “There was a fight at the saloon, and the troublesome cowpolk was forcibly removed by the bartender. In fact it was a shooed-out.”

4) “There was one legend who was often mocked and disrepected long after his wild days were through. He even had his car vandalized in a parking lot. Poor old Billie the Keyed.”

5) “Do pervert cowboys get their jollies at the cattle raunch?”

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Andrew from Dugald, MB:
Just driving through cottage country, and I guess all those anglers are
really into S&M…; every couple of miles there was another “beat & tickle
shop.

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Frank from Eldorado, ON:

From Frank’s New and Improved Dictionary –

cistern: association of like-minded females; feminine version of “brethren”.
unionize: reversal of any chemical process to ionize.
charisma: title proposed originally for ’60s TV sitcom, “My Mother the Car”.

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