LIBRAIRHEAD

Dear Pungents, a woman I work with does not pronounce the word ‘library’ properly. She says “lie-berry” as in, “If I do an interlieberry loan can I take the book out of the building?”. She’s in her late 20s, not kindergarten. It’s starting to freak me out. I’d like to correct her without sounding like little-miss-micro-manager-pants. ~Ainsley, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I have to be honest with people when they make mistakes. I don’t lie berry well.”
2) “You know which country is most mispronounced? Liberia.”
3) “You know what my favourite fruit is? Strawbraries. I also like bluebraries.” [repeat for as many berries as there are]

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FEET ME A LINE

Dear Pungents, I am a podiatrist, I work with feet. I know the obvious ones, but if I have to put up with smelly feet, I’d like to inflict puns as revenge. Please help! ~Ali, Sydney, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Man you got some stinky feet. What do I look like – a poodiatrist?”
2) “Take care of your feet. Don’t make me say I toe’d you so!”
3) “What’s stinkier than an union bun? A bunion pun.”
4) “I met a cute chick who had a nasty infection. I didn’t care though, she’s a fun gal.”
5) “Podiatry is ironic. Cuticles, for example, are ugly.”
6) “A toes, to podiatry! It puts foot on my table.”

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“Uncle Steve” from New York, NY:
Why should you never terminate a prostitute’s employment? She might demand a severance package!

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When Dracula took the stand, the prosecutor probed quite personally into his undead lifestyle. The lawyer for the vampire objected, however. “Your honour,” he said, “council is bleeding the witness!”

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Andrew from Dugald:
Paul Anka’s nephew is branching off in a whole new musical direction. Melding the style of Will Smith with the songs of Sinatra, his next album will be called, simply: “Buble Wrap

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