NED: Someone stole rosemary from my garden!
ED: Really?
NED: Yes - I feel quite dissed herbed!

The monks preserved the History of Diarrhea in an Ill Loo Men Ated Manuscrapt.

How would you describe most songs about farts?

Quite smell odious.

How do they like their eggs in Pamplona?

Scram bulled.

The phoneticist went on American Idol, but was booed off the stage on account of his lisp. Afterward this linguist was upset, saying "I can't believe they dipthed my thong!"

Hear about the judge on steroids? He was caught taking human oath hormones.

Most people can't write poetry. They should leave it to the prose.

There's one US State that loves Barack so much, they're calling it All Obama.

I had nothing but diarrhea when I visited the French Chateau

Why do prostitutes make good postal workers?

Because already they come equipped with male slots.

There was a hostage incident at the paint store. They had to call in the swatch team.

NED: "When I went to France I pissed away all my Euros!"
ED: "Why did you do that?"
NED: "Well, I was in-continent!"
ED: "So you're a-peein'?"
NED: "Yes, and it's painful!"

Does Prince Edward have a great website?
Yes, he's the URL of Wessex!

What do you call an old man on Viagra?
A geyser.

Those who refuse to eat fibre are diss laxic. They'll never runs for pubic orifice.

Are atoms somewhat funny?
Yes, they're part tickles!

If you touch the Queen's head on a penny, you could be arrested; that's what happens when you copper-feel.

My friend told me he saw a deer-sheep chimera. I said, "Buck/ewe! You must be joking!"

When Anne went Boleyn, she used her head and had a ball.

When in university, proctologists have a hard time making ends meet. Some even have to resort to prostate tuition.

Did you hear about the remake of the classic Star Wars film? It was set inside the Drug Enforcement Administration, and it was called The Hemp Pyre: Strike Match.

Locutus suffered from excess flatulation after feasting on the s'more gas Borg.

I had a dream that it would rain on my camping trip. How pour tent-us!

What are the three most important things to consider when becoming a priest?

Vocation, vocation, vocation!

People who work out too much are like monsters. Aka the Abdominal Show-man.

There's a high incidence of cancer at polyp and paper mills.

Morgan Tsvangirai, the leader of the opposition was silenced this week because he's in Bob's way.

Are mannaquins bread for show?

Maybe, but manna-kins are all breadthren. (Nevetheless, it's idollatry.)

Reckless boating in Germany is not allowed. It's veer-boaten. As for driving, you might get autobanned.

Aid workers want to enter Burma. But they must wait til they've been de-Laosed.