St. Patrick’s Day Puns

Is a tester of Irish beers a Guinness pig?

What do you call an Irish terrorist? Ira.

They call everyone ‘Lynne’ in Ireland. Especially in Dub Lynne.

People in Ireland proudly wear their Celts.

What’s the big Irish university in California? Cel-Tech!

What do Jamaicans say on St. Patty’s Day? “Kiss me, I’m Irie!

What’s a British soldier’s favourite snack? Lick-Irish.

What kind of coffee is served in IRA torture chambers? Irish Scream.

The Dubliner tried to quit drinking, but was Bailey able.

In Ireland do they have underclover cops?

Looking for an Irishman at Tiffany’s? Check the emerald aisle!

Two men accidentally ran over a Dubliner. They got out of the car, looked at the damage and one man said to the other, “Looks like you’ve got a flat Ire!”

There are few disputes in Ireland, because they are always a’green!

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Capital Cities – Europe! – Geography Puns

Should tourists visit the French capital alone or in paris?

Avoid perverts in the Swedish capital – they’ll Stock you holm.

Wear flame-retardant clothing in Switzerland – you don’t want to get Berne-d.

If you take your dustbuster to Iceland it will be destroyed – especially in Reckyervac.

Is Ireland experiencing exponential growth? Yes, everything’s Dublin!

Bring your ID to the Welsh nightclub – you might get cardiff at the door.

Which Polish city witnessed calamity? War saw.

The Finnish capital reeks of sulphur and brimstone – that’s why they call it Hellstinki.

There’s quite a ‘don’t care’ attitude in Greece. If something goes wrong the locals shrug and say ‘Shit athens.’

It’s difficult to play a clean game of hockey in Croatia, because of ‘za-clutch and za-greb.’

Why such suffering among Sarajevan viticulturists? Because in Bosnia it Herz-to-grow-vineyards.

Don’t bother voting in Latvia – the elections are riga’d!

Why does Superman avoid Lithuania? Because Lex Luthor’s there, and he’s vil’nius (villainous).

I met a saucy lass in Belarus – she was quite the Minsk!

Yuschenko’s victory in the Ukraine was a Kiev-ent.

Slovenia’s entry into the EU was a cause for Ljubiljation.

I don’t mind when Yugoslavians mark on a curve – but others do resent the Belgrade.

Lovers are loudest in Moanaco.

Where do bears go in Norway? Urslo!

In the Macedonian version of Star Trek, Captain Kirk says “Beam me up, Skopje!

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Diseases Puns

Notice: “Now accepting passengers for transatlantic voyage; first come, first scurved.”

Are scurvy victims poorly educated? Yes, they are rather untooth.

Women deficient in vitamin C are so hot. They have scurves in all the right places!

Do scurvy victims get buried in limed coffins?

Why did the leper take up hang-gliding? Because he wanted to sore.

What did the leper call his dog? Spot.

Why should you just borrow a couple dollars from your sister if you’ve got consumption? Because it’s two-buck-you’ll-owe-sis!

Why do those with TB go crazy? Because they’re in sanitorium!

My mother never stopped urinating when she caught the mum-piss.

Is an Irishman who fakes a skin-wasting disease a leper-con?

Schiavo may have died from a slow starvation, but if you mock her you’ll die from something much worse: dissin’ Terri.

What do you call a Russian who eats contaminated food? Ne.coli.

Never eat after purchasing Ms. Kilcher’s latest volume of poetry; you’ll get a horrible dose of bought-Jewel-ism.

Common disease among cannibals: Meningestitis.

Blogging is just so much verbal diaria.

The man’s main symptom was blue urine. The doctor immediately knew he was dealing with a case of dye urea.

Don’t be surprised if you get dumped by a scatophile. They’re known as fecal lovers.

Those who can’t control their emotions must suffer from emophilia.

Why did only alcoholics suffer from the Black Death? Because it was the bourbonic plague!

What did they chew during the Black Death? Bubo gum.

Which Roman had epilepsy? Julius Seizure.

NED: “I used my entire life savings to buy some land in the arctic.
ED: “Really? That’s odd.”
NED: “Yes, and the antarctic too.”
ED: “What, are you crazy or something? You’ve lost your marbles!”
NED: “Hey, lay off me! I suffer from buy-polar disorder.”

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Star Trek Puns

Why were they able to summon Spock from beyond the grave? Because he was the seance officer!

They were playing basketball on the first episode of Star Trek, and Kirk was having a brilliant game. He was driving toward the net, a single basket shy of a tribble-double, but as the final buzzer went the ref called him for double-tribbling!

What device did they use to lock up tricycles on the Enterprise? A trike-hoarder!

Which communications officer slept around? Uhura!

When the Vulcan made an emergency landing on Wall Street, did they call it a Spock market crash?

Worf once moonlighted as a hiphop artist named ‘Saran’ – he loved the Kling rap!

The sickbay medics encountered a strange disease, which they named Quadri-Polar Disorder. It could be treated only with di-lithium.

Account of a quarrel: “My weapon was set to stun, but I missed her over the shoulder. She looked at me, unphased.”

After eating too much Vietnamese food Kirk rushed to the bathroom to unleash a pho-ton torpedo.

The prisoner escaped from the brig and angrily stormed onto the bridge. Needless to say Captain Kirk was unprepared for the wrath of con.

Why did they land on the Holy Wall of Jerusalem in Star Trek IV? They heard the wails.

Why did Bones become drunk when Kirk transported him to the bridge? Because he said “Jim beam me up!”

Which officer wanted to join the Catholic priesthood? End-sin Crusher. Did they accept him? No, because he was already a Wesleyan.

What was Quark’s favourite retro band? Ferengi Goes To Hollywood.

How could they tell Picard’s deity-like nemesis was a stoner? Because they made him take a High-Q test.

When making love, Spock would only trust the durability of vulcanized rubbers.

Did Troi need to smoke up in order to use her mental power? Yes, she was a hempath.

What creature staked out a bathroom, lustily awaiting a gazelle? The loo-tenant, come-on deer!

Sewage on the Enterprise was disposed of via a network of turdbowl-lifts.

Guinan had a premonition she would end up at Ten-Forewarned.

Jewish bakeries could be found on the Challahdeck.

When Picard hooked up with the Icelandic pop singer, he too was one with the Bjork.

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Capital Cities – East Asia (+ ex-Soviet republics)! – Geography Puns

Where in Japan are they always high? In Tokeyo

Geographically ignorant Bangladeshis are like Bostonians lost in a parking lot – they’re always asking, “where’s Dacca?”

It’s funny they don’t eat beef in India – especially considering the size of their New Delhi.

Frontal nudity in Thailand? Not in Ban’kok.

Is the sky blackening over the Chinese capital? No but it’s beiging (Beijing).

What do you call a Mongolian who gets hit by a pitch? A yowlaan batur.

Which Indonesian city is avant-garde? Shock-arta.

Where in Malaysia did they hide the 101 dalmatians? In Cruella Lampur.

A Filipino’s dilemma: strawberry, chocolate, or Manila?

The Korean conflict is quite spiritual – because without the South, the Northerners have no Seoul.

In the North Korean capital do the older syndicates run the streets – or is it the pyoung ygangs?

What would Sri Lankans call legendary bluesman Diddley? They’d Colom Bo.

The phood in Phnom Penh? It’s Phnomenhal!

I need a thimphu before I can sew my bhutan.

Who explores caves in Myanmar? The Rangoonies!

The heat in Azerbaijan will Baku
or
Or, what Drago said to Rocky in Azerbaijan: “I will Baku.”

Some can’t stand all the tourists in the Vietnam capital. This is understandable, as they do tend to Hanoi.

Which personality dominates Taiwan? Taipei.

Which parties in Nepal feature both human and feline guests? The Kat-Man-Dos.

When does a Pakistani rely on his alpaca? When ‘is llama’s bad.

Turkemenistan’s a forgiving place – you can never Ashkhabad question.

Kazakh graduates generously donate to their Alma-Ata.

Kicked in the nuts in Krygyzstan? What is this – Bishkek or bash cock?

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Star Wars Puns

What movie were you watching when your VW was recalled? Return of the Jetta.

Were the deserts of Luke’s youth havens for body art? Yes, there was lots of Tattoine.

Did the reptilian desert mobster apply his computer programming skills to renovate his home? Yes, he Java’d the Hut!

Why were Han and Luke always after the princess? Because they thought she was quite the Leia.

Which wookie was on the fast-track to mouth cancer? Chewbacco.

Why was the feisty droid unstoppable? Because he was hard-to-de-tour (R2D2).

Why was Captain Calrissian so stupid? Because he was from Clod City.

How did Yoda deal with difficult, whining customers when he worked at a gourmet coffee shop? He said “boo or boo not; there is no chai!”

Are the inhabits of the Third Moon of Endor now cooking Japanese food online? Yes, they’re using their e-woks!

Which fishlike commander was disgusted whenever he entered a tavern? Admiral ‘Ack, bar!’

Can you beat a Gungan at a staring contest? Yes, because Jar Jar blinks!

Which Imperial commander was afraid of swimming? Darth Wader.

Shop for Star Wars paraphernalia at the Darth Mall.

What did people say when the Jedi master was victorious at the video game jujitsu tournamment? ‘Obi Won Shinobi!’

On Hoth did the Chinese restaurants serve tonton soup?

The IRS cracked down on the Jedi master because he Yoda lotta money.

The redneck bounty hunter was known as Bubba Fett.

Why could the rebel space fleet not fly? They were all ex-wings.

What do Jewish Star Wars fans play with? Droidles.

The foul black excretia of the Imperial presence was embodied in the Death’s Tar.

Was 3CPO an early example of a personal robot whore? Yes he was a proto call-droid!

Yoda never let Luke speak during his training – he had to master the jedi mime tricks.

Why didn’t they storm the empire’s base from the shadows? Because Yoda warned them about the dark side of the forts!

Which of Jabba’s henchmen made millions selling licorice? Nib Fortuna.

The windshield of the Millenium Falcon was so small – they could barely achieve wiper-space!

Why did Mark Hamill’s career fizzle? Because he was taken out by the star-destroyer.

Liam Neeson was not known for his big rear end; in fact on set they called him the Phantom Man-Ass.

How did the grey-haired jedi-nemesis threaten his victims? “I’ll Count Dooku, then I’ll shoot.”

The queen’s handmaiden was self-conscious about her bosom – they jokingly referred to her as Padme.

The Gungan leader was into chasing tail and listening to Springsteen – they called him Boss ‘n’ Ass.

Which rebel pilot loved Tex-Mex potato skins? Wedge-and-chilies!

Which father of a bounty hunter was partial to tropical fruit parties? Mango Fete!

Which Jedi leader cleaned his corn with ammonia spray? Maize Windex!

Which Imperial general made out in the back seat? Gran Moff Parkin. 

Hayden Christensen can’t act. They should have renamed his character Mannequin Skywalker!

Despite having drunk wine, the rebel pilots were cleared to fly. After all, they had just one Red Litre.

Which Naboo captain defecated in a pan? Captain Pankaka!

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Television and Radio Puns

They’re replacing SNL with an offbeat cooking show. It’s called Saturday Night Liver.

Where can you watch nothing but Nolte? See-NN

The shock jock would interrupt his guests so often – they took to calling him Howard’s Turn.

Not every day! Jon’s too hurt to do the Daily Show.

Pavarotti has taken to hanging out on daytime talk shows. Because he’s an Oprah singer.

Which host is in a hurry to amputate sheep legs? Rush Limb-baah.

Which lefty personality likes to rate his favourite episodes from the show about the creature from planet Melmac? Alf Ranken.

Is the age we live in like a soap opera? No, but it’s so a pop era.

Some production companies use a seedy setting for filming. For TJ Hooker for example, the title character’s scenes were described as ‘Shat-on-location‘.

Radio has taught us a grim lesson: Life is FMeral, with everyone just walking about AMlessly, waiting to dial. 

Puns about radio frequencies should be band.

Do midget supermodels listen to short-waif radio?

When the popular Mr. Jones was put in jail his fans took to the radio dial, calling for the producer’s release on every free quincy.

Do bipolar sufferers watch sad-delight television?

Which popular evening show features an all-male gangbang? Enter Ten Men Tonight!

Hear about the sitcom with the ‘fish out of water’ plotlines? It’s called ‘Who’s the Bass?’. 

Then there was that documentary about the overcrowded Indian reserve, ie Full Hows.

The sitcom about the berserk ‘home-improvement’ father who runs amok with his tools and murders his wife and kids? Awl in the Family.

The new courtroom drama will be called Everybody Loves Arraignment.

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Capital Cities – Americas, Africa, Oceania, Middle East and more! – Geography Puns

Which Kenyan city is mechanized? Nairobo

Why did the arsonist move to Egypt? Because he was a Cairo-maniac!

Which South American capital has the most ridiculous support undergarments? Brasillia

Is it good to be clean-shaven in Argentina? Not in Buenos Haires!

Who did the Chileans send to betray the Moor of Venice? They Santiago.

Where do Colombians ‘get down’? In Boog-otà!

I didn’t enjoy spending an extra year in the Peruvian capital – it was so anti-Limactic.

Is Ecuador a fair place? Yes, it’s eQuitoble.

Why do Syrians not suck up to George W.? Because that would be a dumbass-kiss.

Where do Iraqis tend to boast? In Braghdad!

How a Saudi inquires about a classified notice: “Riy your adh…”

I thought the guy from the small Arab country would be Bahrain, but actually he’s the Manama dreams!

The Carribean mafia has the Haitian royal family in its pocket – especially around PortoPrince.

Where in Bolivia are the raciest strip joints? Lap-ass.

Did ancient lizards once rule Persia? Yes, the fearsome Tehrannosaurs.

How does everyone react to stupidity in Algeria? They Al Giers.

How do you subdue an Israeli bandit? Jerusalem to the ground.

How to get to the Lebanese capital? Well since it’s on the water I’d just take the Bei rut.

The nonplussed food critic dismissed cuisine in the Libyan capital as “tripe, oily

Gender equality in the MidEast? Let me tell you – in the Kingdom of Jordan, a woman is a woman and Amman is Amman.

Albanians are fleeing the country, because their government is Tirana-cal.

Person1: My friends love to visit small European republics: Bob is in Liechtenstein, Ned’s in San Marino…
Person2: And Dora?

Should I buy a hatchback in the Armenian capital? Not if Yerevan person.

Person1: “Did you hear about terrorism cells in the Carribean Islands?”
Person2: “Bah – Hamas? That’s Nassau-ing to worry about.”

Shopping list in Belize: “Bell, Mop, Pan.”

Porto-Novo? I’ve never Benin a nicer town.

What do Burkina Fasans say to babies? “Ouagadougou!”

When Elmer Fudd was abandoned in the capital of the Central African Republic he became berry Bangui!

Tired of the conversation in most African cities? Then go to Ndjamena to have a nice Chad.

Brazzaville: ie answer to the question “After climbing the Empire State Building, where did Kongo?”

I arrived in the Comoros capital unable to speak a word of the language, and I left months later feeling just as Moroni-c!

I couldn’t get a job in the Venezuelan capital — my résumé just fell through the Caracas.

What do they eat for breakfast in St. Lucia? Assorted Castries.

Don’t drive in Senegal — you may get held up in Dakar.

What’s the nemesis of a Swaziland business student? Mba-bane.

Media experts say the conflict in Sudan is a product of Khartoum violence.

When Larry and Curly lost footwear in Somalia, they said to Moe “gad i shu?”

There’s no Honaria among thieves in the Solomon Islands.

Hockey star Sittler lost his processed meat in Tanzania. So be on the lookout for Darel’s Salaami.

The most popular movie in Morocco — ‘Who Framed Roger Rabat?’

Cinephiles in Palau love Koror pics.

What was the weapon of choice in 18th-century Oman? The Muscat.

I thought Paraguay was 100 percent French speaking, but I guess I shouldn’t make such a faulty Asuncion.

‘Iceman’ couldn’t take the heat in Nicaragua – he melted, and became ‘Man-agua’.

The best jokes about bakers are made in Qatar – they really know their Doha.

Flying pigs in Yemen? The In-Sana-ty!

All of the sudden a shark attacked me in Mali – talk about ‘BAM, Mako!’

Bestselling car in Lesotho? The Maseru-ti!

The most popular jazz artist in New Zealand? Duke Wellington.

Religious Ugandan families can send their kids to Kampallah.

Where do Tunisians get their online music? From iTunis.

The Rwandan ref had to stop the Rumble in the Jungle when Foreman tried to Kigali.

What sex manual do they use in the Ivory Coast? The Yama ssoukro.

I just couldn’t stop fishing in St. Christopher and Nevis — I was on a real Bass-terre!

During an aerial approach the capital of Western Samon just tends to Apia out of the clouds.

The political scandals in Zimbabwe — it’s just Hararibble.

In the fifties Zambian teenagers would often dance at a Lusakap.

Do they watch internet porn in Dijibouti?

The harbour in Trinidad and Tobago is quite dangerous – they’ve taken to calling it Port-of-Sprain.

If someone angers you in Guinea-Bissau, tell them to Bissauf.

Where does one find a lover in Surinam? In Paramouribo.

Stay with your friend Nick in Cyprus – specially if Nicosia.

Eritreans have spots on their butts — especially in As-mara.

Prof to student in Equatorial Guinea: “Come by ma-labo.”

Do you greet your friend with tongue in the Federated States of Micronesia? You do if you’re in Palikir.

What did Rocky scream to his true love when he was in the capital of the Western Sahara? “el-audrian!”

Which town in Kuwait postponed the revolution? Coup-wait city!

Why won’t Madagascar get Italian satellite TV? Because the Antenna n’arrivo.

How do Mozambique sugar daddies indicate their ‘biotches’? “Look, ma puto!”

If you don’t marinate your steak in the landlocked Italian Republic, it will be sans marino.

Fights broke out at the construction site of the great canal — there was a lot of panamacity.

Fidel asked in vain where the Rubix was – Each advisor just shrugged and said, “I Havana Cube.

Do Costa Rican women wear stockings? Not in Sans Hosé.

Where in Gabon are French books banned? In Libre vile.

West African country lyric: “Things were Accra-monious at the time/but I missed her when she was Ghana.”

In Fiji be sure to pick up a Suva-nir.

Did you get all the trading cards from the Central American Republic? Yes I Guatemala.

There’s no lack of New Guinean after-dinner wine in Port More-sby.

Saliva travels far in Namibia – especially in Wind-Hoerk.

Will I get action or no action in Mauritania? Nouakchoot.

In Angola they’ve invented a car that runs on the driver’s urine – It’s sold in Loo-Honda.

Did you take the shortcut to Malawi? No, Lilongwe!

Where do you find frozen Mexicans? In Mexicle City!

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Toronto Puns

If someone in Greektown planted a maple on Canada Day, would you say he was being Pape-tree-otic?

Does Toronto allow incompetents to colour its main street green for St. Patrick’s Day? No, only the good dye Yonge.

So what if I have dirty feet – I’m a Tar-on-toenian!

Which airport is a haven for body art? Pearson.

Chief Julian Fontina is no longer the big cheese.

On which street is the tapwater too hot? Bathurts!

Which avenue has a high crime rate? Steeles!

There’s a lotta skanks livin’ in the Be-ach-es.

“All I know is that amalgamation was mega-shitty.”

You can always get a taxi in Cabbagetown.

Nicknamed ‘The Big Spoke’, Toronto is a haven for bike couriers.

Why are one-armed visitors not welcome in Toronto? Because after SARS they needed more two-wrists!

Check out the hip-hop art exhibit at the Hey G Yo.

The baseball strike devastated Toronto’s large homerless population.

When Rosie quit the paper, all other columnists followed suit – it was the DiManno effect.

When the yo-yo college opened in Toronto, the politicians exclaimed “Finally, we’re a whirled-class city!”

I wouldn’t mind a romp in Susan’s Hay.

Which CityPulse reporter never takes time off? Daley.

Which hospital’s name is misspelt? [Sic] Kids!

Are there a lot of topless women on the T-T-C?

Is Toronto renowned for its good scuba waters? Yes it’s known for diver-city!

Where in Toronto does Senator Clinton fear to tread? In the Dissed Hillary district!

Potheads were upset when the TTC eliminated the subway tokin.

Which football team simply cannot deliver? The Cargo-nots.

I was riding the Danforth subway and became embarrassed when I got a massive erection at Cockswell station.

When the police barged in and raided the office of the suburban mayor, he hollered “I take Uxbridge with this!”

Why don’t ginos wear more denim?

If McCallion gets re-elected will her nickname be Her-again Hazel?

My pillow burst in Downspew station.

Does Honest Hed want to legalize prostitution?

Those who foolishly forget Moses’ influence among Toronto media must suffer from AlZnaimer’s.

When discussing Toronto newspeople, the anchor of Toronto 1 is definitely worth a Ben-chin.

Is there mythical beauty on Toronto’s Centaur Island?

Which CBC personality detests alcoholic cider? George Strongbow-awfulis!
OR
Which CBC personality controls the people like a puppet-master? George Strungup-populous!

The crowd could tell Elizabeth II had chunked up, after her motorcade passed along the Queen’s-weigh.

It seems everyone wants to be a prostitute in Mimic-ho .

You can find Rick James on Black Freak Drive.

Parking is strictly enforced on Carlaw.

Nothing stinks like the Reeko Coliseum.

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Cannibal Puns

How does an anthropophage react to a blatant lie? “That’s a can o’ bull!”

The girl brought her boyfriend home. Her cannibal father welcomed the lad. He said, “It’s great to finally eat you!”

When his lockjaw was easing up, the man-eater said, “Finally, I can nibble!”

Why would a cannibal never decorate his home with diseased cadavers? Because it wouldn’t be very tasteful! (not a pun)

Why does a cannibal keep track of how many jerks she goes out with in a given year? Because she’s into cad average!

Why do cannibals scorn one-hit wonders? Because it’s just another flesh in the pan.

How do cannibals show hospitality? They invite their friends over for a donner party!

What do (non-francophone) cannibals eat for breakfast? Scrambled legs!

Why should a novice cannibal who’s unsure about a recipe always use ‘amputee’ ingredients? Because – they can’t do any ‘arm!

Why does a cannibal avoid possessive girlfriends? Because there is nothing worse than a jealous liver! 

What did the cannibal say after eating some delicious brains? “That was exskullent!

“Those cannibals were after my bones – but I marrowly escaped.”

The girl asked the cannibal where he got his education. When he replied, she slapped his face. She called him a pervert and stomped off. “No no,” he cried after her, “I said ‘ Cannibal U’!”

Why are cannibals the most annoying lecturers? Because they never stop chewing you out! (not a pun)

Cannibals love playing with children. They consider it a veal good time.

What’s a cannibal’s favourite TV show? Necks and the City!

Why did the cannibal look forward to his trip to Iceland? Because he couldn’t wait to try the Bjork chops!

What did the Vatican cannibal do in order to gain enormous influence? He had the Pope’s ear! (not a pun))

If a German cannibal cooked your friend Craig along with perogies during a thunderstorm, would you call it a lightning blintz-Craig?

What do cannibals spread on toast? Marmaladies!

What’s a cannibal’s favourite dessert? J-lo.

FINALLY, a story:

There was this girl who was head over heels for the owner of a cannibal restaurant. Sadly it was a one-sided passion; the girl’s love was not fully reciprocated. One day an eager young sous-chef overheard the owner in the next room, complaining about the girl’s excessive attention. So seeing a chance to make an impression, the next time the chef saw the smitten lass waiting about the restaurant, he grabbed her. He covered her in oil, put her in a pan and sauteed her alive!

The next day when the owner entered the kitchen and saw his lover lying dead in a pan, he was outraged. He went to the chef and told him to pack his bags – he was fired.

Dumbfounded, the chef protested, saying he was just obeying the boss’ wishes – that he had overheard the owner complaining about this girl, and wasn’t he pleased that the sous-chef had sauteed her?

But this explanation just upset the owner all the more:

“You misunderstood how I felt about the girl,” he snarled; “I said ‘she is too besotted’!”

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