PunGents.com :: Puns on Demand

(*warning* - the following Pun on Demand contains adult situations and innuendo)

Dear Pungents: How about a pun for a Canadian kid living in the States who just doesn't get any respect? He's constantly getting teased for his odd Canadian accent and for those floppy-headed characters from South Park, Terrence and Philip. ~ Christopolous Briggadopolous, East Greenbush, New York

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Won't shut up? Well how's this for deTerrence: I'll Philip your 'eh'-hole with a canuckle sandwich!"

2) "You know, I spend a lot of time with my Dick Cheney-saw, hacking at the Bush on the way to your sister's Clintonoris... As a Canadian, I spend a lot of time in her Regina!"

3) "Cut the bull, or al gore you!"

Dear Pungents: It's my mom's birthday next week while she's on holiday in St Lucia, and I need something punny to wish her a sun-sational time! ~ Claire, Belleville, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I would go with you mom, but when it comes to me and St. Lucia - it's Caribbean there, done that!"

2) "The nightlife is crazy there - It's sane-lose-ya!"

3) "I hope the weather's just luciaous!"

I teach five classes of sometimes bright, sometimes not, grade seven and eight students. What's a pun I can use to subdue the questions I get during grammar lessons? Something like "I'll take 'noun' of your questions at this time," or "Would you repeat that again 'verb'-atim?" But something with a stronger wit. ~ Marissa, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "You think I'm a witch for teaching this stuff? We haven't even hit the hag-jectives yet!"

2) "Lucky you're not in Catholic school - the priests make you study in the pray-position!"

3) "No grammar homework tonight - what a happy pronoun-cement!"

4) "What should a subject never say to a judge? 'I - Object!'"

I need a pun revolving around a legal education coupled to a genetics education. I leave the rest up to you. ~ Top Dog, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "If Darwin had to sign a waiver before shipping off on his genetics voyage, would you said it was because he was on allelegal Beagle?"

2) "Do students in the Galapagos study tortoise law?"

My boyfriend and I just bought two kittens who sometimes tear around our house at night and are a little noisy. Our parents are visiting this weekend, and I need a response to any kitten complaints that might come our way.... ~ Rebecca, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "They're noisy because they're feline good!"

2) "I could feed them cat-a-tonic, but it knocks them out!"

3) "Cat you ignore the noise?"

4) "Relax - they're just kitten around!"

I have a challenge for the punsters. Web Hosting, make that funny. Is it possible? ~ Sarah, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "How do priests make changes to their websites?
They use alter servers."

2) "Why is it frustrating to update the frequently asked questions part of your site?
Because all you get is a big FAQ-queue!"

3) "What markup language did Prince Harry use to send out invites for his costume party?
See SS!"

I'm a distance runner and track coach. Sometimes the trips to races can get pretty boring (alphabet games,etc). Can you crank out some puns to help pick up the pace? ~ John, Montreal

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I'd love to race sometime in Helsinki - nothing's sweeter than hitting that Finnish line."

2) "This bus ride is nothing; I was just at a Greek Orthodox wedding, and the ceremony lasted 3 hours - talk about a marry-thon!"

3) "You know where ghosts hold sprint competitions? ... On the wraith track!"

A friend of mine is shortly moving to Australia, and I'd like some Aussie travel puns to send her on her way. Can the 'Gents help a sister out? ~ Danielle, Halifax (or thereabouts), Nova Scotia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "You may not take to the animals immediately - but you'll find they kan g'roo(w) on you!"

2) "You get to visit the Australian capital and I don't? Agh, I Cantberra it!"

3) "If you're staying til Christmas, check out the Great Barrier Wreath."

4) "I hear the locals steal kisses from foreigners beneath koala-bear trees --
talk about a 'eucalyptus yokel-lip-tease'!"

Finally

5) "Don't miss the wetland wildlife - it totally crocs!"

I'm currently dating someone who is not only older than me, but who used to be my drama teacher. I'd like a good pun to 'school' any nay-sayers out there, or a punny way to explain the situation to friends. ~ Charlotte, Hamilton, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "He picked me up in theatre class -- I call him King Leer!"

2) "I used to be his pupil... and now we have a grade relationship!"

3) "He kept me late one day -- for datention!"

Finally (and a bit racier)

4) "Sure, he may be an aging dramatist -- but he still knows how to 'Shake' his 'speare'!"