PunGents.com :: Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, I need a pun about the pope's recent surgery to use at the hospital where I work. Please help!
~ Rob, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Don't give up Pope!"

2) "When the doctors inserted the tracheotomy tube, all they heard was a loud popeing sound."

3) "Let's hope he gets well soon, since he's so pope-ular!"

4) "The pope was tired, so the doctors told him to trach ("trake") five."

5) "I hope the pope gets well. He's such a powerful guy. His influenza is felt around the world!"

Dear Pungents, what can give me about a 60-year-old male named Lance who is infatuated with a new lady-friend and is acting like a swooning teenager? ~ Les, Duncan, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "That man is a snake! He is carrying on like it's an affair-de-Lance!"

2) "He's acting so strangely! It baffles me how this new woman continues to be excited about visiting such foreign Lance!"

3) "Our male friend gets on our nerves every night - I'm tiring of Lance a lot!"

4) "I'm just not N'Sync with Lance's Bass desires!"

Dear Pungents, I need a snappy title for my university paper about the elusive Canadian neo-conservative. Up for the challenge? ~ Ashley, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) PC phone home: getting in touch with the neo-Con-adian

2) Neo-can-undrum: wither right wing?

3) The Great Right North

4) What's the Tory, morning glory?

5) Can-servative vessels finding safe Harper? [ok this is a bit ridiculous]

Dear Pungents, I loved the story in the Post! Both I and my mother-in-love adore puns and punditry so we wish you the best of luck. I'm looking for a pun about urban living, modern life and rentals or leasing. Trying to get a name for a potential rental business, and I love puns. Please prove my husband wrong. ~ LeAnne, Calgary

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Affordable Rentals - it's the lease you can do!

2) City Gardens Leasing: Lettuce let you!

3) Good Relationship Properties: where Meeting the 'Rents isn't so painful.

4) Cosmopolitan Rentals: where urban meets turban

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for the celebration of 50 years of marriage. ~ Gerry, Victoria, British Columbia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "To make it to our golden anniversary, I had to offer her more carats than sticks!"

2) "Our marriage hasn't got the bite it once did - fifty years later and I'm her in-denture-d servant!"

3) [after already making a pun] "I shouldn't make such pungent remarks on my fiftieth anniversary - but she is my beloved whiff!"

Dear Pungents, perhaps you can make a pun about chefs or cooking students? Thanks! ~ Eida, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Who has to deal with food-poisoning litigation? The sue-chefs! Do sommeliers also make in-cork appearances? Yes, they're often winin' in front of a judge!"

2) "What's the most Pun Gent spice? Pap-reeka."

3) "On Valentine's day do chefs set the loven to high?"

Dear Pungents, I read your article in the National Post and thought I'd give you a shot. I'm buying an ipod and get free engraving on the back. I'd like to have it engraved with something related to music; I'm restricted to two lines with 23 characters maximum on each line. Ideas? ~ Kelly, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Hooked on sonics
2) "Causin' some treble with my bass desires..."
3) Kelly's meloddities [if you have 'different' tastes]
4) "Listen up: i am Poddy-trained!"
5) Ear ye, ear ye
6) Stupod music [if you're nickname's Stu]
7) "Only old men get shuffle-bored."

Dear Pungents, my first grand-daughter, Zoe, was born on Feb 10. She is an Aquarius, born in the year of the rooster. Her parents are the Smiths. Got any puns? ~ Ken, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "She was born in the year of the rooster - I know it because I'm a Zoe-ologist!"

2) "It's the year of the cock, and Team Smith has added Zoe to their rooster."

3) "Born in February, Zoe's already got a zest for knowledge - I know she'll be a-query-us child!"

Dear Pungents, with the recent coverage of the Vatican's decision to back exorcism studies for their priests, I was hoping you could give me some devilish puns! An exorcism course - what could've possessed them? ~ Joe, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "A man who's possessed is also constipated - he's got the loo-suffer!"

2) "Sick with demons? My grandma would have them gargoyle with salt water!"

3) "Exorcism course at Vatican U? Is that mandatory or hell-ective?"

Dear Pungents, I just read the Taiwan puns, and am hoping you can come up with something for Holland, where I am living and studying until July. ~ Kristen, Maastricht, Holland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I took my bike with me on my trip. There is nothing better than Holland ass in a race!"

2) "Wooden you like to take home some clogs as a souvenir?"

3) "This country is so big. Some parts are so far out of the way they call them as the nether lands!"

4) Hear about the beaver that mated with the hamster? It started building hamster dams!

5) The inhabitants of Holland love to talk. After all, each citizen has two lips!

6) Those in the capital don't seem to like the rest of the country. The rapper P-Diddy had to tell them, "Don't Hague!"

[On a side note, this POD request was fulfilled and posted within 30 minutes of receipt]

Dear Pungents, I'm living and teaching in Taiwan. I'd like some puns about Asia and Asian culture to share with my co-workers and some of my better students. Suggestions? ~ Kirk, Taichung, Taiwan

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Which personality type dominates Taiwan? Taipei!"

2) "Which eastern religion is most serious? Broodhism."

3) "Do dogs in Asia drive Shitzubishis?"

4) "Were Chairman Moo's policies an udder disaster?"

5) "Who attacked the Great Whale of China? The Shamu-rai!"

Dear Pungents, I'm a tax lawyer putting together a team for a curling tournament at work. I need a team name that combines a "tax" theme with "curling". Any suggestions? ~ Jay, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The End-Rons (for four guys named ron) OR End-drawn Scandals
2) Fiscal and Sweepert
3) Frozen Assets
4) The Icy Taxticians
5) (Star Wars, Episode II:) A Tax of the Stones
6) The Broomocrats
7) Ministry of Fine Ends

8) (bonus:) When End-imals Attax!

Dear Pungents, I instruct a weekly spinning class and am in need of funny ways to motivate my cyclists to push themselves. I need to tell them to stop slacking - but in a nice way! ~ Alex, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "You wanna be strong like Popeye - get the spin-itch!"

2) "You want results now, then you have to pay the price now, not later - this ain't no credit card-io class!"

3) "This isn't easy - so get your 'hard' rate up!"

4) "I'll have to call you Pansy - those ain't no flower pedals!"

5) "Your connections won't help you in my class - I'm immune to influence pedalling!"

Dear Pungents, we just had a baby and have received a ton of flowers with no place to put them. How do I get people to stop giving us flowers? ~ Rob, Kingston

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Now that I'm a father I see life has taken on a vased new meaning."

2) "Perhaps you'll stop sending flowers if I tell you it was an unplant pregnancy?"

3) "No need for flowers - our angel's already cute as a botany."

4) "Another bouquet? Leaf us alone! Water you doing? Soily, you must joking!"

5) "Babies? flowers? I feel daisied and confused!"

Dear Pungents, my friend and I run an arts and crafts program for street youth at our church and are looking for pun ideas to attract the kids to our craft table (and away from the video games table, basketball court and eating area). What can we say and do to lure the youth to us? ~ Jo, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Tonight's activity is macrame - something weave all been waiting for!"

2) "Making bracelets - you can't bead it!"

3) "If you won't carve wood with us then whittle you do?"

4) "What's better than smoking up? Getting soap-stoned!"

5) "Stop playing Tomb Raider, and meet the real Lara Craft."

Dear Pungents, a coworker of mine is stuck in Vancouver waiting to test a software project which - because of our supervisor - is months past due and doesn't seem to be coming along. What can he say to our boss to get his ass moving on the project? ~ Eric, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "You're moving slower than my programma!"

2) "Is this beta-testing or wait-a-testing?"

3) "This software delay is an unbearable wait on my folders!"

4) "If you ever leave this job, you can put on your resume that you were a 'computer notwork supervisor'."

Dear Pungents, I share a computer at home with my husband. We are constantly having major races after dinner to see who can reach the computer first to check email, chat with overseas friends on msn, etc. What can I say to petrify him in his tracks so I can win the next race? ~ Preciso Hooch, Cayman Islands

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Stop! The computer can't be trusted: it's see-pee-you watches when we're in the bathroom!"

2) "I beat you because you're so slow - you're only moving at 16x!"

3) "In these days of political correctness, it's only natural that the woman should take advantage of the PC!"

4) "I'll RAM you! I'll dish out the mega-hurts! I'll make you re-pentium! You've got the ROM idea, buster; I'm a much better athlon!"

5) "Let me use messenger, or I'll become your m-s-n-emesis!"

Dear Pungents: I work at a school for children with special needs. In a country where the finance industry is such a mainstay of the economy, I feel like people think less of me for not working in banking or in business. What can I say to shut them up? ~ Kimberly Exactobrew, Cayman Islands

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Do you think we live in the Payman Islands?"

2) "My husband and I do enough bonking - I don't need to do it all day at work!"

3) "I already act like a bank employee. Whenever one of my special needs kids throws things, I have to teller to behave herself!"

4) "Mortgages? There are more gauges to a healthy society than that!"

5) "Yes, I'm a trader - I'm a hawkupational therapist!"

6) "Enough teasing - don't make me get fis(i)cal!"

Dear Pungents, My friend wants to open a gelateria and has commissioned me to come up with punny names for her shop. Can you come up with non flavour-specific suggestions that don't involve, "I scream..." or "gelata flavours..."? ~ Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Gelotto - where every flavour wins
2) Gellice/Gellous Lovers
3) The Naked Spooner
4) Hello Gello
5) Tutti Gefrutti
6) Cold Mountain
7) Gelly Belly
8) Gello Concerto
9) Gelava
10) Creamophilia
11) Licker Barn
12) Sweetish Beauties
13) Gelactica
14) Smoothios

[Not all are puns, but good names nevertheless!]

Dear Pungents: my parents will be visiting from the East Coast in May. I'd like some pungerific words of advice for when they navigate the streets of Toronto. Thanks as always! ~ East Coast Dog, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "If you're visiting the Japanese area, wok - don't run."

2) "There's more to Toronto than just CN the tower."

3) "If you go to the Royal Ontario Museum, check out the donkey that's on loan from the Enterprise. It's ROM-mule-in!"

4) "Be careful doing laundry in Miss-a-sock-a!"

5) "Lost downtown? Remember that west of the DVP, the grass is always greener and the street is always Bloor."

6) "Don't be afraid to get your feet dirty walking around - that's why they're called Tar-on-toenians!"

Dear Pungents: next week I'm going to France on business, and I'd love a few puns to share with my Canadian colleagues about Paris while we're there. Any ideas, you punning geniuses you? ~ Heather, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "The hotels in France are always booked! For example, one cannot enter the Paris Hilton, as it is always full. You can't even go in and out of that place quickly just to look around. They should rename it the Paris Filled-inn."

2) "I hear the French have a great figure skating team. They do especially well in the Paris events!"

3) "If General Custer had conquered France, they'd call it the Trifle tower!"

4) "Does Sir Mix-a-Lot like French art? Yes - he likes to Louvre-it Louvre-it!"

5) "How did they dig the foundations of the famous art gallery? With earth-louvres."

6) "Why did bandits move to the south side of the Seine? Because they wanted to hole up the Left Bank."

7) "I hear lots of dogs visit the Arc du Tree-hump."

8) "Last time I brought my girlfriend to the chomp Elise some guy bit her (but she's not bitter)!"