Dear Pungents, please use the word 'dictate' in a sentence. Thanks! ~Am, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Someone who got screwed over in Port-au-Prince is a dicked-Haitian."

2) "Scandinavian crisps are made from Nordic 'taters."

3) "Detest pronouncements from on high? Then you're an edict hater!"

4) "Dicked? Aid yourself!"

Dear Pungents, I'm looking for video game-related puns for use on a gaming website. ~Pogowolf, Indianapolis, Indiana

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Who's cares that it's addictive - I'm havin a Halova time!"

2) "Do priests like to play Nuntendo? Or do they prefer Sony Praystation? And what about the Atari Krishnas?!"

3) "I was always skeptical about Sega Genesis - they called me Cynic the Hedgehog!"

4) "Did you hear about the copyright infringement suit launched against PS2? They're calling it Grand Theft Motto."

5) "Before video games ended their plumbing careers, which of the Mario Bros. worked servicing restrooms in Glasgow? Loo-Weegie!"

*rideo means "I laugh" in Latin

Dear Pungents, der - can't think of anything, sorry. ~Tony, Devon, United Kingdom

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Can't think of anything? You must be in a whirling 'der'-vish!"

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for the eternal problem: that weeds seem to thrive in the garden more than the hoped-for flowers. ~Mary, Eaton, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "It's a plague of dandelions! Good thing I've been weeding the Bible."

2) "Forget fertilizer - I need a fertilaser!"

3) "These weeds love to multiply after dark - they have a night-rate fixation!" (nitrate fixation - quite nerdy)

4) "My garden has not turned out as I plant."

5) "I need to stop these weeds on the mitochondrial level - that will end this Kreb-grass cycle!" (crabgrass/Krebs cycle - EXTREMELY nerdy)

6) "Oops, looks like I was accidentally using a weed-waker!"

7) "My garden doesn't produce any veggies, so I guess I'll resort to eating Bavarians. Nothing I plant seems to German-ate!"

8) Bonus non-pun: "Man am I hosed!"

Dear Pungents, I am going to Mt. Tremblant this week, skipping school while I'm at it. I'd love a punny MSN nickname to tell people not to expect me around for the next few days. Thanks! ~Brian, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "One Tough Hooky"

2) "Sorry but I had to ski-daddle"

3) "Needed to get away for a ski trip - my schoolwork was getting slopey!"

4) "Taking a Powder" (not a pun)

5) "Having a hill of a time"

6) "In the bathroom, tremblant from the runs!"

Dear Pungents, I wanna be a PunShine Girl - and I'm looking for a sexy 'Bible Belt' pun to pose with. Got any suggestions? ~Mariza, The Grove, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "What do you call a zealous fundamentalist in the sack? A Bible humper!"

2) "Why is it illegal to look at actress Moore in many Southern states? Because they don't allow saw-Demi!"

3) "What do Moses and a gynecologist have in common? They both have seen the burning bush!" (not a pun, but fun)

4) Visit Mariza in PunShines for the winning pun!

Dear Pungents, I like to make my car's licence-plate letters refer to me. My last plate was ABFT; I was born in Toledo, Ontario, thus 'A Babe From Toledo'. Unfortunately I had to turn those plates in. My new letters are AVTA; I've had the car three days and have been working on it, but thought you could help. I'm single and I drive a cool car; I need to personalize this new plate. Thanks! ~Rita, Sudbury, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) AVTA: A Very Tasty Angel
2) A Velocity-Tossin Animal
3) A Very Tough Ass
4) A Visionary Through Art
5) A Voluptuous Tender Apple
6) All Vision, Total Action
7) Awesome Vixen, Terrific Attitude
8) Automatic Vehicular Transport Apparatus

bonus 'silly' options:
8) Angry Vegan, Terrorized (by) Alzheimers?
9) Amiable Veneer - Television Actor
10) A Virtuous Teenager Always
11) A Vengeful, Troubled Arsonist

Dear Pungents, my friend and I are opening a gymnastics studio with a juice bar. We are looking for a very clever name for our studio. Your help is much appreciated. ~Robert (and Lindsay), Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Juice-box - Come, kickbox and relax!
2) Summersalts - Now with outdoor patio?
3) Studio 'Twist' - Where leverage meets beverage
4) Enter the Mat-tricks (Matrix)
OR
The Mattrix Studio and Bar - Stick the landing, twist the lemon!
5) The Gym-bar-ee (Jamboree)
6) Gym Nasty - We're far from 'Routine'
7) Studio G - Get giuiced!
8) Matamaticians
9) The Pike Vault

For the bar itself:

10) Gymniotic Fluids
11) Carrot-Stick the Landing;
OR JUST
The Landing
12) Bar Parallel
13) Fizzical
14) The Tumbler

Dear Pungents, I am organizing a church (Baptist) golf tournament and would like a few puns to help advertise the event. ~Ron, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Fairway to Heaven"

2) "What wood would Jesus do?"

3) "Join our church golf tournament - competition will be steeple!"

4) "Get filled with the holey spirit!"

Dear Pungents, overlooking guideline #2 for POD, we are in the 'refuse/garbage' business which we like to call waste disposal. We send 'bins' or 'containers' to businesses, construction sites and homes. They fill the bin with their un-wanted items/waste; we pick it up and dump it at our waste transfer station where it's re-loaded into tractor trailers and sent to landfill. Can you help us with a slogan we can use on side of our bins or in other advertising media? ~ John, Whitby, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "A proven truck-record"

2) "Dedicated service: because the compostman always rings twice!"

3) "Need pollution solutions? We've bin at it for years."

4) "Cheap hauling rates! You get mileage from our pileage."

5) "Are we qualified? Just look at our garbadge." [ok that is silly]

6) "We can't container enthusiasm! But we contain everything else!"

Dear Pungents, I need a name for a group of 10-to-16 year olds whose brothers or sisters have significant special needs. The siblings seem to have the same twisted sense of humour/coping skills as their parents, and are quite comfortable with "Autism Rocks!" or "My brother got encephalitis and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" jokes. What can you come up with that makes people laugh with them?
~ Anonymous

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "The Emergency Roomers - practically paying rent at the hospital."

2) "The Special Nerds - when it comes to disabilities, we know it all."

3) "Patients with Patience."

4) [shirt to wear in hospital] "You're looking at a familiar face: ICU every day."

5) "More Kissable than Disable - my special needs sister/brother is cute!"

6) [bonus nonpun] "My sister's in the hospital - and I'm in therapy."

Dear Pungents, a tasteful pun please for a small child sponsorship organization that works in villages in developing countries. ~ Pat, Halifax, Nova Scotia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "For the price of a glass of Koolade, they get a month of school aid."

2) "Poverty envelopes them; you can develop them." (not pun but catchy slogan)

3) "Give a dam: help stop the rising tide of child poverty."

Dear Pungents, I'm emceeing the opening night of a curling bonspiel, where we auction off the teams prior to play, and I need a pun or two. We do bios of each team, which are generally quite punny themselves. This is a gender-mixed event, featuring people who work mostly in energy exploration or related companies. Thank you. ~ Jerry, Halifax, NS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "You may have heard of our next team - they've got quite the sonic broom!"

2) "All our teams display a lot of end-ergy."

3) "Geothermal engineers in a bonspiel? Heck, this isn't brain surgery - it's rock science!"

Dear Pungents, my computer consulting firm needs a name for our slo-pitch team. We support all kinds of systems, from mainframe to web-based applications. What can you come up with that combines slo-pitch with computers? Please don't use my real name. ~'Ruprecht', Edmonton, Alberta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The 26-inning RAMathoners (Marathoners)
2) Bats n' Bytes
3) The HTMLs - we'll tag you
4) FLASH in the pens (refers to those in the bullpen)
5) The Ty COBOLs
6) Microsoftball (or just plain Microsoft)
OR
7) Macrosoft - we're in the big leagues!

Dear Pungents, I need a pun about an optical education. ~ Ian, Edmonton, Alberta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Which drugs do ophthalmalogists smoke? Myopium!"

2) "Optometry students need to be devoted, much like the Catholic saints. Are you too willing to experience a stigmata-ism?"

3) "Who could snag rebounds, even in the dark? Dennis Rod-man!"

4) "I thought I was doing well at optometry, but I got a see on my exam!"

5) "How do Wiccan opticians get rid of insect infestations? Perform a see ants!"

6) "Becoming a hawkulist is nothing to spit at."

7) "Studying optometry lens itself to a good career; that's no eye-dle spec-ulation!"

Dear Pungents, I read a fab article about you in the National Post. I work for an accounting firm and I need a funny phrase about the new advisory group serving our North York office. They'll work with the many different industry groups; we're giving them a hat because they'll be 'wearing many hats' in their role. Can you think of a good phrase to put on the hats? Thanks so much! ~Lisa, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Advisory groups - the multi-hatted hydra of accounting"

2) "More than just beanie-counting"

3) "From fedora-l revenue agents to fez-cal (fiscal) experts - they all toque (talk) to us!"

4) "Work harder or I'll cap yo ass!"

5) "I work with 3 industry groups - it's a hat-trick!""