Dear Pungents, I'm getting married in a few weeks and wanted some wedding-related puns I could include in a speech. A little about us: I'm a grad student, nearing completion of my Ph.D in chemistry; she's a tobacco-farmer-turned-clinical-pharmacist, specializing in hemotology. Have at it! ~Tyler, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

(Adjust speech to conform to the facts... lots of bonus plays on words thrown in to boot!)

"We met when I was doing my Ph.D - right away, there was chemistry.

I knew her when she was a tobacco farmer. I thought she was just smokin'. We would stay up nights listening to that Def Leppard song - 'Pour Some Cigar On Me'. She liked my hard wooden pipes, didn't think I was drag. It was serendipitous - I met her just in the nic o tine! We've come a lung way since then. Now I'm addicted to her every breath.

She made a career change from farming, but not a big one - she was still in farm-acy. Now she specializes in hemotology; at the time I thought, wow that's bloody incredible. Truly she is my prizecription! I feel so anemic compared to her; sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'm a dope, or a pill. Oh well, seeing how much we've spent on this wedding, at least she knows I'm not a pauper (popper)!" (take a bow)

Dear Pungents, my brother Alan who lives in England turned 50 on May 10. A memorable pun might take his mind off me being late sending his card! He is very quiet until he has a few brews; his local pub is the Packet, which my dad and grandad went to as well. He is a huge Manchester United fan - can't go to the games anymore because if they lose it puts him in a very bad mood. He's currently in Egypt on a trip of a lifetime for his 50th; I don't know if he heard an American has bought into his beloved team while he is away - can't imagine that'll make him happy - as much as he isn't happy about turning 50. So give me a pun that will make him happy. Thanks! ~Yvonne, Oshawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Good ol' Alan - he's the Man U can depend on!"

2) "First they lose #7, and now the whole team's sold to the Yanks? What the Becks is going on! But don't cry - there's no need for soccer bawling!"

3) "As dad and grandad would say, age 50 is no time to Packet in!"

4) "We can't make fun of you now that you're 50 - you're no longer in your for-tease!"

Dear Pungents, I work for the President & CEO of a hospital and we are organizing a team for the hospital's annual walk. The team consists of senior management (president, vps and chief of staff as well as their administrative assistants). Can you think of a name for us? Thanks. ~ Mary, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Walkie-Talkies - b/c you need to get your message out there.

2) The Charity Chairs (and one more makes it Three Chairs for all of you!)

3) The directors and administrators of the Charity Walk - ie the Hosp. Skips and Adjuncts (contrasting 'walk' with Hop Skip and a Jump ... with 'skip' as in skippers or leaders)

Dear Pungents, Belinda has crossed the floor! What say you, P-Genti? ~Michael, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Belinda? Man, she changes colours so quick she's like a chameleon. They should call her Blenda!

2) Paul Martin government's living on borrowed time, not to mention borrowed Tories. Call me dyslexic, but he should never a borrower nor a linda Be-.

3) I knew her hot liaison with the studly Mackay, after it became public, was bound to peter 'out'.

4) Stronach's becoming Liberal? How Magnanimous!

5) Ambition's her weakness - she's got a Strong-ache for power!

6) All this transparent political maneovring makes me sick - I just don't have the Stronach for it!

Dear Pungents, Help! I am an elementary school teacher, and one of my students keeps whining that she is bored; I've used up all my comebacks in the last 8 months teaching her. Please give me some puns so I can make it to the end of June!

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Bored? I'll show you board! [then you hand her a wooden board] Now wooden you like to work?"

2) "Like some cheese with your whine?"

3) "Here, look in this carton [you hand her carton of eggs] - egg-sight ment!"

Dear Pungents, this is a shameless plug for the spectacular show we're working on. Dancemakers is celebrating its 30th anniversary, and yet it is tougher than overcooked cow heart to open people's minds and get them out to see contemporary dance. Can you spare a few puns that will show how much COOLER contemporary dance is than some horse show or clown workshop? ~Loretta, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Hey Toronto, stressed out? Then come to Dance-Show Relaxo!" (for Toronto audiences who know Rancho Relaxo)

OR-

2) "Dancemakers = Pant-shakers - we get you moving."

ALSO

3) "Has working all week like a mindless insect made you angry as a Klingon warlord? Then Khan-tempered harried ants (contemporary dance) is just the thing for you." (a tad convoluted?)

4) "Metaphor Moses never met a more faux sis? Ovid's Metamorphoses, from Dancemakers: twisting tongues, arms, legs and minds together for over 30 years."

5) "At our spectacle, (ex)spect tickles!"

Dear Pungents, I have just bought a new road bike, a Trek 1200; it is black, white, red and aluminum coloured. I was hoping you could help me with a punny name for it, somehow relating it to one or more of the following: I'm an aerospace grad student, I usually mountain bike (not road bike), and my mountain bike's name is Pumpkin. Thanks! ~Marc, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Eros Pace - she flies at the speed of love

2) The Highway RAWBer - Red, Alum, White and Black

3) Not the Thinker, but the Rider: aka Auguste Roadin.

4) Flower Pedals?