Dear Pungents, some retirement puns please: my wife is retiring as a receptionist from Livingston International after 16 years there and I am retiring from University of Toronto Schools as a history teacher after 5 years. ~John, Mississauga, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

For wife -

1) "I'm not going to throw you a party - I figured the last thing you'd want is a reception." (POW)

2) "Sixteen long years, and now finally you get to let all your frustrations pour out. That's what happens with secretories.

3) "You always said it was like being locked in cave, there, at Live-in-stone."

4) "After 16 years answering phones at a logistics and transportation company, I'm glad you're telling them to go truck themselves."

For husband -

5) "Teaching at University of Toronto schools was frustrating... I sometimes felt like kicking someone in the 'UTS."

6) "The job at UTS conflicted with my liberal beliefs; I couldn't knuckle under to my principal's conservatism any longer. After five years as his Tory teacher I just had to leave."

7) "Me and that job are ancient history!"

8) "Hey I'm finally retired. What a dream - somebody pension (pinch) me!"

Dear Pungents, don't you hate it when you're in an elevator, and somebody decides to fart? What's worse, whoever dealt it, refuses to own up to it! I need a pun to blurt out in such a stinky situation. ~Andrew, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Boy what a long ride - this elevator just keeps going farter and farter."

2) "Wow, look at all the butt-ends (buttons) lighting up!"

3) "Did someone sneeze? Gas-undheit!"

Dear Pungents, I would like a pun involving boyfriends who don't do the dishes, excessive amounts of ice cream, lesbian lust, tree climbing, mangos, and superheroes... By the way, you all are fantastic. ~Tina, Toronto

(...get ready!)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

"Recently I went through a very negative tree-climbing incident that has left me in an aldered state. It was rough. In fact I scream when I think about it...

The other day, for the umpteenth time, my boyfriend neglected to wash up after dinner. Well, I had enough of it. We had long been on a rocky road, and this was the final strawberry - so I told him "It's over," and dish-missed him from my lovelife!

Well, he couldn't believe I'd just dessert him like that. He says "Splits eh? You've gone bananas!" Then, get this, the crazy man goes to a nearby tree - the one with the massively huge tropical fruits - and he starts going up it! It was repulsive, rappelent even. He was like a monkey going up that tree, a real lower-order climb-mate. He must have thought he was some kind of hero, but I knew better; he doesn't even like Super-mangos...

In the end, he was too jealous of my many gal pals. I implored him, "C'mon, lesbee friends!" but to no avail; he just stayed up there, saying "Leaf me be!". Well, this foolishness was something I just couldn't dyke any more of, so I thought, dam him; I looked up at the tree, said "oak-y dokey" and left.

Looking bark on things, I've never had such a fruitless relationship... Men - with them it's all bump-and-rind, they just want your 'cookies n cream'. No Wonder Woman is so much more a-peeling!"