Pun Gents :: Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Business Slogans :: Team Names :: Punshine Girls and Boys! https://validator.w3.org/feed/docs/rss2.html Humpy Dumpty died broke. Too much partying and shell abrasion. It was all the crack. He just lay there. You could see the whites of his eyes. His next of kin was Oh no Yolko! If you live in North Korea, don’t mock Kim Jong-il’s nuclear ambitions: it means dis missile. Don’t baptize your children: it’s a <strong><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chrism">chrism</a> sentence</strong>. If you look at these digital photos of the wounded soldier up close, it looks like he was shot by a Canon. I refuse to make my own sandwich. I rely on sub contractors. What does a Hispanic cow say? “Moo chews grass yes!” In Russia and Ukraine, it’s easy to find wifey hotspots. Uber is in trouble because it doesn’t pay any taxi. I love to go harpooning. Nothing like whaling away the time. Moldy Jello? That’s rather off pudding. Being disobeyed by a subordinate is embarrassing enough. But when someone repeatedly disobeys orders I feel more defied. Anyone placed in a jar against their will has been vialated. When it comes to visual acuity, people with myopia are in the lowest squintile. How does <a href="http://www.usasurvival.org/cultofgaia.html">‘Father Earth’</a> dance so well? Well, he’s a scientist, so he uses an <strong>Algore</strong>i<strong>thm</strong>. I went to a Japanese food place where the service takes forever. I guess it was a wok on the ‘while’ side. People who forget to replace light bulbs are rather <strong>dim-watted</strong>. Where does a German farmer keep his animal feed? In the Barn Munch-hausen! NED: How was your trip to the farm? ED: Very bizarre! NED: Why’s that? ED: Well, I never thought I’d see a wasp screwing a bull, <strong>butt lowin’ bee-hole</strong> – there it was! The story about the winged creatures was ok, but at one point it became quite ridiculous. When the storyteller got to the part where a bird ate a bunch of sausages, I knew it had taken a tern for the wurst. Remember when the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Ballmer">CEO of Microsoft </a>freaked out on stage, like an insane monkey? Two words: The <strong><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unabomber">BaboonaBallmer</a></strong> I came up a with a new toothbrush. So I tried to fund it on Kicks Tartar. People with verbal diarrhea produce a lot of <strong>sputum</strong>. A vehicle full of nasty Bronx cougars? Cargoyles. Is it true women like men who yawn? No actually. <strong>Sighs don’t matter</strong>. Do citrus farmers drive around in lime-oozings? Converting wood into toilet paper has no rhetorical defensibility. I see through your softest-tree! When the President called one of his opponents a “flaming bag of feces” it set off a poo lit ical firestorm. Let me tell you about the reek I’ve had: First off, I work at the ol’ factory. But a few days ago I ran into some cash problems, so I asked my boss for a smell favour. What was I stinking! Now I have to avoid her, cuz she nose I odour money. Hmm, maybe if I stop wearing deodorant to work, they’ll give me a high-ranking job? Lepers live and die by the sore. Shakespeare’s works have recently been climbing up the bestseller charts. It’s a sonnet boom! Why do sorcerors light so many candles? Because – they’re Wickin’! When the saviour of Nottingham Forest got an honourary degree from Oxford, he had to wear a <strong>robe and hood</strong>. What do you call a beer taster in Ireland? A Guinness Pig. Homeless men in New England are standing in line – it’s <strong>Soup Bowl Sunday</strong>! If you cut Xmas desserts in half, you are probably bisect yule. Which ungulate absconded with his mother’s sister? The antelope. Spock was an organ donor. “Leave lung and prosper.” NED: I have a foot fetish! ED: Huh? NED: Just call me <strong>Toe bias</strong>! Hear the pun about the rooster who celebrated Remembrance Day? It’s a load of poppycock. I love lumpy skin growths. But then, I’m a mass o cyst. I told my oral hygiene professional that I wash my mouth with plaque. He looked at me like I was dentally retartared. Those with amputated feet have no soles. Taking a dump in the foyer – now that’s a hall-mark moment. Women have no experience with bubble gum in Portugal. Lining up to urinate is <strong>pee-queue-liar</strong> behaviour. Favourite dish of Muslims: Chicken Allah King. I was mocked for being insufficiently Scottish. They actually threatened to have me kilt. People who don’t use deodorant are threatening the <strong>b-o-sphere</strong>. Which is dangerous, because that’s all that separates us from <strong>odour space</strong>. I mean, they’ve already destroyed the <strong>nose-zone layer</strong>! Steamroller accidents can be quite ugly. Luckily I have always been the grader man. Are you infested by insects? File a grieve ants.