Dear Pun Gents, I’m doing a web guide for students attending a university open day, and need a pun. Help. ~Wallace, Sunderland

Any academic who leaves the country is a subject matter export.

Dear Pun Gents, I am writing a scientific paper, and the titles of such papers are often puns. The topic of the paper is looking at fruit and seeing whether the phylogenetic trees you can construct based on morphological features match the known trees for these fruit. ~Alex, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Fruit 66: A phylogenetic roadmap
2. There a Pears to be a Connection…
3. Appled Science
4. Phylogenetic Trees Arboring?
5. Peach de Resistance
6. A Theory with many Applecations
7. A Branch of Theory that Bears Fruit

I was skinny in high school, so when I got to university I joined a fatternity: eta omega pi

An academic who studies satanism, aka a philucifer.

Blast from the past: Greek fraternity puns (and some cute little weird kids)!

Do professional speechwriters have to fill out a lot of rant applications?

Hear about the female student of interpretation theory, who rejected her boyfriend because he had fleas?

Yes, her man knew tics.

They say first year university is difficult, but students actually sophomore in their second year.

I want to get a 9 to 5 job, so I’m giving up my fun-loving college lifestyle. I’m so tired of the frat race!

Too many graduate students are lazy. I call them the indiligentsia.

New pun requests filled today!

The phoneticist went on American Idol, but was booed off the stage on account of his lisp. Afterward this linguist was upset, saying “I can’t believe they dipthed my thong!”

When in university, proctologists have a hard time making ends meet. Some even have to resort to prostate tuition.

Any theory about baby behaviour must have many crawleries.

Louis Pasteur loved his cattle. When he was a professor he received his degree honor ‘is cowsa.

Sounds effects pioneer Thomas Dolby graduated from university magna cum loud.

NED: Will you help me pass my French exam?
ED: Sure, no problem at all.
NED: Oh thank you. I am full of grad etude!

Does the Journal of Incontinence Research utilize pee-er review?

The fear of footnotes: aka appendix-cite-is.

The average length of time taken for a new faculty member to attain the rank of full professor at a university is around ten years.

NED: Hear about the Greek mafia?
ED: Yeah - they always threaten to put a kappa in my ass!
NED: Didn’t they murder a bunch of Newfoundlanders?
ED: No - that was the psychotic Greek fraternity, Kappa Nu Phi.
NED: What about that strange fraternity located along the Nile river, it was called Chi Rho Delta, that now wants to open a bake shop.
ED: You mean Nu Pi Delta. Once I Eta Pithere - it was too expensive and now I Omega. But it was a big dessert. I Eta Omega Pi!
NED: Well I’m getting a little tired of Nu Pi Delta, as is their sister sorority.
ED: Xi Xi Xi?
NED: That’s right. And what about the fraternity for Esperanto lovers - Nu Alpha Beta.
ED: Or that sorority for fashionable fat ladies: Nu Mu Mu. My poodle got eaten there!
NED: I thought that was Eta Phi-Phi.
ED: And to get revenge on those ladies I borrowed a semiautomatic weapon. But I lost it and now it has to be replaced.
NED: Iota Nu Xi can help you with that.
ED: What about penis enlargement?
NED: Try Psi Xi Omega.
ED: Did you know dragon boat lovers are meeting at Rho Rho Rho?
NED: That’s nothing. The pranksters at Tau Rho Mu stack cows one atop the other!
ED: Funny, I had a beef patty the other day.
NED: At Eta Mu Pi?
ED: Yes. Say - did you hear about that kinky lesbian sorority. Legend has it Michael Douglas’ wife and Delta Burke had a fling there.
NED: You mean Delta Eta Zeta?
ED: Yes.

When the President of Harvard elected to fumigate the entire university, people accused him of having loused his faculties.

Do occultists have to get their Bachelor of Seance degree?

Why do cannibals attending university only eat the head, the buttocks and the genitals?

Because they’re so skull-ass-dick!

I went to university, but all my professors were crazy. I mean, absolutely nuts! They should have called it Macadamia.

If you write an exam in a freezing cold room then you might end up as a testicle.