After the nuclear accident, the ground seemed to glow, almost as if it had its own floor essence.

If a Jedi master was blinded by a stick, I wouldn’t respect him a single eye Yoda.

Someone overturned my port-a-potty! So I pressed litigation, hiring lawyer John Flip Sues-a

Hear the pun about the cow who jumped off a tall building? It’s ledge end dairy.

I was run over by a sports car. Now I have Corvetture of the spine.

We want to strike Accord with anyone who’s ever crashed their Honda.

The immigrant who fell into a wood chipper was a victim of ethnic slurries.

If I was trapped 69 days in a hole, I wouldn’t mine. It’s a bit too Chile on the surface.

I was violently kicked in the nuts. So I called 911 to get an ambulance. They said, sorry, dong number.

The universal language of foot injuries, ie A sprained toe.

I was wounded by a machine gun. It looks really uzi.

If you are at the wrong end of a chainsaw accident, try to understand. To err is hew man.

Wasn’t there an oil rigger in that group, the Spillage People?

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write Oil Wells that End Well.

How is British Petroleum like speech recognition software?

British Petroleum can also wreck a nice beach.

If a fish and chips shack burns down, the insurance company won’t help, as they don’t cover snacks of cod.

The Frenchman broke his bones. Os snap!

When a mathematician suffers a flesh wound, he should apply a Gauzian distribution of bandages. And remember to use Fermat pressure.

When someone runs over a cat, and it has to be cleaned off the street, who picks up the tabby?

If the Titanic had been called the Titanus it never would have been penetrated. Instead it was doom to sphinct, and all onboard the ship were tossed from the rear. The captain in particular insisted on going down. [Speaking of Titanic, did you hear Spiel Berg is talking about a sequel?]

I broke my leg dancing. My new nickname is Saturday Night Femur.

Safety advice from Dante? When entering the Inferno, wear a helmet.

12 New Pun Requests!

I went to Damascus and, stumbling around drunk, got impaled upon some jagged glass. Immediately I felt Assyrian pane in my side.

When my girlfriend stepped on a landmine, she became my maim squeeze.

Getting your head chopped off by a glass shard is a real pane in the neck.

Did many oil tankers crash in Prince William Sound because the captain drank too much coffee?

No, just Juan Valdez.