Punsters are biblically significant. They are har bringers of the apocolaughs.

The good Samaritan loved his neighbour a bit too freely. He contracted helpatitis.

Jonah fell asleep and got swallowed alive by a whale. Good thing he wasn’t sharkoleptic!

Noah was extremely promiscuous during his travels on the boat. He was known as the first ark dick explorer.

My friend Ian can’t get a sex change. I guess there’s no womb at the Ian.

Ancient manuscripts confirm a disturbing conclusion: that ghosts will one day haunt your underpants. It was written about in The Dead See Scrotals.

Avoid groups of sexually frustrated men in prison. They tend to be assive-agressive types. They always want gomorrah.

When God made Eve, he split the Adam. And on the seventh day, he went fission.

What happened when Jesus took Viagra?

He rose again. It was the Second Coming. He said to his disciples, “Check out my nail,” and they couldn’t believe how He was hung. He was truly the messy. Ah. And so the Church soon broke into many groups/sects.

When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to Mary Magdalene, in disbelief, she exclaimed “No way!”

Jesus replied, “Yahweh!”

Bible science: A mathematician swinging a donkey was refused entry on No Ass Arc.

How much of the Bible makes you want to sing?

Only Psalm of it.

If Jesus had weighed 450 pounds, would the Bible have started “In the biggening…”?

God must have been constipated. He didn’t create feces until the turd day.

At the Last Supper, Judas ruined Jesus’ omelette. That day became known as Gooed Fried Egg.

How did the Virgin Mary deliver her baby? Emmanuel labour.

Jesus told a lot of stories about poor people. They are great stories. In fact, they are income parable.

Did Judas avoid the stock markets?

No - in fact he was a day traitor.

Only one of the Three Stooges was quoted in the Bible. It was always ‘Mo sez’ this and ‘Mo sez’ that.

Where in the Bible does God create J-Lo’s divine buttocks?

The Book of Jen Asses.

In the Bible, which of St. Paul’s letters explains how to make tea’?

He brews.

In the Bible, who was stowed away in the belly of a ship?

Jonah of Ark.

Where did Judas betray Jesus?

In the Garden of Get-Some-Money.

Jesus didn’t bring his friend back from the dead. The fellow was merely sleeping. And so it was “Lazy-rus, come forth!”

When He was born, the Three Wise Men came to Bethlehem, where they found Jesus lying in a manger. They offered Him gold, frankincense and myrrh. Not as well known, however, is that when he turned 21 the Wise Men took the Saviour to a strip club, to watch exotic dancers. This was known as The Gift of the Vagi.

New Testament tidbit: the great Saint was owed a sum of money, by a friend who refused to pay up. And so it was penned, the first letter of Paul to Tightass.

Those who only read the New Testament are Ruth-less.

Said Jesus to the crowd of plastic surgeons: “Jug not, lest ye be jugged!”

Eve’s husband let one rip, right in the Garden. It was the first recorded Adam bomb.

When Jesus was on Earth, the winters were very cold. Luckily he had his 12 apopsicles.

Michael Jackson thought he was Jesus. One day he even gave the Sermon on the Mount. And it was known as the Beat-it-udes.

Who did Noah hire to build his boat?

An arkitect of course!

Like movies about the Old Testament?

Three words: I ‘Heart’ Maccabees!

Where in the Bible does Jesus bequeath his woodworking tools?

The Axe of the Apostles!

Man cannot live on bread alone?

Nonsense!

As the Beatles famously sang, ‘All You Need Is Loaf’.

How do barbers advertise in the Bible Belt?

“Jesus shaves.”

Why did Moses think it was a mistake for his brother to worship beneath the leg of the Golden Calf?

Because he was Aaron on the side of cow-shin.

What’s the first resource for an unemployed preacher?

Book of Job.