My son is getting farter and farter behind, so we’re hiring a tooter. It should rectumfy the shituation, whenever the teacher decides to colon him.

When a dog is choking, other dogs will frantically sniff its butt in an attempt to save it. This is known as the hind-lick manoeuver.

NED: Do you blog?
ED: No.
NED: Really, I thought you did.
ED: Well, I do keep a diarrhea, but only on Splatterdays.

People with verbal diarrhea produce a lot of sputum.

NED: I won’t tolerate potty talk.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because, it’s looed!
ED: You seem quite johndiced! You’re flush with rage.
NED: I have toilet you know this.
ED: Don’t be a pooer sport.
NED: Oh, now urine for it!

Philosophers often debate the nature of ‘golden shower‘ orgies, aka epistemology.

Why won’t the priest let me urinate during confession? I just want some pee sin quiet!

I was told to watch what I eat, so I swallowed my timepiece. My friends thought I was crazy and recommended I undergo Seiko-anal-lysis. But I wasn’t just going to shit on my hands and wait for time to pass.

Does the Journal of Incontinence Research utilize pee-er review?

The smell of farts just bowels me over.

Malcom X was unfraid to fart among white people. He simply threw Caucasian to the wind.

Lining up to urinate is pee-queue-liar behaviour.

Sterilizing food with urine is, unfortunately, a pees meal solution.

When the donut married the roll of toilet paper, the priest said: “Be fruit-filled and multi-ply.”

God must have been constipated. He didn’t create feces until the turd day.

I wish I could piss on a tree! Oh, how I’ve pined and urined fir that scents of pees! Or at least dribble on my balsam.

There was a dream match at the World Ping-Pong tournament, where in the last game the seeded #1 faced the seeded #2. Fans called this dramatic match the Peeing-Pooing Finale.

Why should you feed margarine to a farting parrot?

Because - it’s polly unflatulated!

There’s a new upscale periodical for fashionable, flatulent men. It’s called Ass choir Magazine.

I wish I could meat a nice anorexic girl. I recently tried dating someone who is bulimic. But she always wanted to fight. So I said “Ok - throw em up!”

NED: I just farted on you!
ED: Why, you cretin - I am a gassed!

There is a cure for constipation which involves eating, not less, but more, until you’re stuffed. It’s very expensive, however, this ‘bloating’ laxative. It’s for the swell-to-doo.

Ketchup sales are lagging far behind, after it was found that musturd is also a laxative.

Charles Dickens was quite moved after witnessing the foul, unhygienic conditions of the English workers. One time he saw a man spitting phlegm down a sewer, and was so disgusted that he wrote a novel about it: Grate Expectorations.

When someone farts he becomes the scenter of attention.

Some media outlets produce twice as much crap as normal. Especially when they’re biassed.

What did the spore from Romania say to the urinating man?

“I’m yeast and yer a-peein’!”

Pigeons can’t make up their minds. They’re always shitting on the fence!

My spit doesn’t sink. It’s so phlegm buoyant.

Will a sex change operation affect your bowel movements?

Yes - you’ll get die-urethra.

Does the Bride of Frankenstein have to deal with monstruation?

Mr. Mucus ran for governor. He was extremely boogernatorial.

Why is farting out bubbles a sin?

Because - it’s blast-foamy!

Which assassin farted in a crowded theatre box?

John Wilts Booth.

If I had a dollar for every time I puked, I’d be retch.

Convicted murderers don’t cry. They lacriminal glands.

What the maestro said when the orchestra player sneezed: “Bassoonteit!”

If men and women use a bathroom, do hermaphrodites use a bothroom?

When seeking to ignite his own farts, why did the Moroccan fellow prefer using a powerful blowtorch, as opposed to a simple matchstick?

Because one was light as a feather, but the other was light-ass-o’-fezzer!

Do Egyptians like potty talk?

No, but they do enjoy pee-Nile humour.

Eve’s husband let one rip, right in the Garden. It was the first recorded Adam bomb.

Frequent urination is the hallmark symptom of which STD?

Gone urea.

We all know about his famous bath, but what did Archimedes say his first time before a urinal?

“Urethra! I’ve found it!”

When Napoleon came to New England, it was quite the spectacle; the people were so excited that they would pay admission even to watch him break wind! In Bangor in particular, the French Emperor’s farting was considered the Maine vent.

The physicists in the Manhattan Project developed a ’stealth fart’ that made no sound. The world was devastated when the army first used this silent but deadly weapon aka the Atonic Bum.

Why was Blackbeard upset when he misplaced his jars of urine?

Because a pirate without p is irate.

Why did the pregnant woman spit up her baby?

Because she was expectoring a child!

What do you get if you sit too long on an outer-space toilet?

Asterrhoids.

Why should you just defecate in your hands if you really have to go?

Because a turd in the hand is worth poo in the tush.