If Shakespeare Worked at a Hardware Store:

• Measure for Measuring Tape
• Two Gentlemen of a Rona
• Taming of the Screw
• Romeo and Juliet Balcony
• Awl’s Well That Ends Well
• Tight As a Door Knocker? (Titus Andronicus)

My friend took joint ownership in a grow-op, out in the Hempsteads. The place had gone to weed and needed grass, but after applying some THC–tender hearted care–it looked spliffy in no time.

Laxative manufacturers rely on their bran equity.

My socialist friend thinks that hiring non-union labour to build a partition is indie fence-able.

The government is announcing plans to distribute mouthguards to the general population, to increase jaw security and aid the dentally retarded. Contracts will be awarded to the lowest biter.

The razor factory is facing cuts. Everybody might get blade off.

Did the inventor of the polygraph lie sense his product?

Bic’s newest version of the writing instrument enjoyed market pen iteration.

Scratch and Sniff Inc. is shutting down the ol factory, by odour of the CEO, who said staying in business no longer made scents.

The 70% off sale at the coat store caused quite a frockus.

The outdoor landscaping industry is controlled by the Camorra mafia. It’s a mow Napoli.

Dear Pun Gents, I’m writing a story about a castle that was converted into a tavern. I think it needs a punny name, don’t you? ~Hadley, Saskatoon, SK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Sit Your Buttress Down
2. Come Get Pilastered
3. The Bar Bican
4. The DramBridge
5. Get Your Moater Running
6. Redoubtful Renovation
7. We’re All Out of Stockade
8. Lunchin’ in a Dungeon

Does the terrorist business model involve vertical interrogation and just-in-timer delivery?

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a tattoo shop business name. ~Jason, Coplay, PA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Tattanium
2. Henna Barbarians
3. Bawdy Art
4. Brandy’s
5. Ned’s Needles
6. Scar Faces

When Napster hit the music industry, it was like Sharenobyl.

Back in Sicily I operated a typesetting business.  As we specialized in italics, all our numbers were crooked. It was a font for the mafia.

Senior citizen expects discount at a supermarket: “Do you have any Grey Coupon?”

We all get stung, after the stock market has piqued.

Dear Pun Gents, I just started my own matchmaking business and have been offered a five-minute slot on a South African radio station. The slot is called Pun Review. I need to tell people about dating, matchmaking, the first date, etc, and I need to use as many clever puns as I can. Please help!! ~Bonita, Johannesburg

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Our service is a model of a fish-in-the-sea.
2. Looking to get lady?
3. You pick up chicks or we pick up the cheque.
4. Did somebody sneeze? Match-You!

Handing out entry bracelets at a concert is a safety precaution: it’s smart wrist management.

I wish telemarketers would take ban-call a days.

Dear Pun Gents, our CEO is starting a blog with two other high-up ladies in the company and are looking for a name for it. They are all members of the board if that helps. ~John, Birmingham, UK (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Blogs Have More Fun
2. Blong-term Strategies
3. I CEO U
4. Chairmen of the Bored
5. Three’s Company
6. Wisdom of the Profits
7. Veep Tweets

The inventor of horse cologne just got venture capital funds to help develop his neigh scent technology.

In marketing news, Viagra has been targeting its product to universities—especially the sophomore students.

Hear about the baseball pitcher who refused to endorse Wal-Mart, because it was a big balk store?

It’s true; it also didn’t help that they refuse to let their workers strike, and they have a large selection of woks. He said “I field strongly about this. Wal-Mart may seem like a short stop on a shopping trip, but in fact, it’s a retail umpire. It’s bat for the economy; they’re out to catcher the whole market!”

Does the Association of Headhunters have close ties to the Stealworkers Union?

Perfume business is a monopoly, because of who controls the distribution chanels.

Heather Reisman’s monopoly on the Canadian book market fills me with !ndigo-nation!

Companies know the cost of hiring brain-dead employees: it can be ex-pensive.

Pubic-hair wigs are traded on the merkin-tile exchange, but I think it’s just a front for the muffia.

If Bill Gates leaves, his company MightGrowSoft. And if they drop the Ballmer it’d be even worse.

Did Judas avoid the stock markets?

No - in fact he was a day traitor.

Don’t bother entering a shoe store. Everything is already soled.

The stockbroker turned motivational speaker traded insecurities.

Why is it good to get into the winemaking business?

Because it’s a cellars market.

Hear about the businessman who spent his days combining chickens?

He wanted to make a hen-sum profit!

Why did the flower seller expand his shop?

Because business was blooming!