How do epic poets hijack a ship? “Prepare to be bored dead.”

I went to France and took a dump in a street. Now I’m an accused merde horreur.

Kim Kardashian made off with a stolen auto. When cops found her, there was copious junk in her trunk. And the rack was overloaded.

Usually when you hear about Norway it’s Oslo news day.

When my scooter was stolen, I moped.

The police shut down the gym, for running a body house.

I am paranoid about pickpockets. I have nervous of steal.

I stole a ladder. I know–It was a rung thing to do.

My pancake maker was stolen, syruptitiously. What a waffle experience - I feel like I’ve been creped. Who will solve this griddle? It’s a salt and buttery: but will the charges stick?

The boat maker was taken hostage, and held for transom.

If you beat someone with a glass flask, you’ll inflict bottley harm.

If Vanna White committed murder, would her M.O. be disemvoweling?

After being turfed from his job, the grass thief was sod by police. There was evidence that he was carrying a blade. Also, he sent his wife a John Deere letter. But before lawn he was caught. The man said “I just can’t run no mower.”

I set fire to a talk show host. I was charged with Arsenio.

If someone steals your bra, you can put your case before adjust tits of the peace.

Back in Sicily I operated a typesetting business.  As we specialized in italics, all our numbers were crooked. It was a font for the mafia.

Going to jail is  quite the bar gain.

My friend Amy gained weight by eating her husband! They charged her with Big Amy.

The world’s first murderer was an Abel-bodied male.

Saddam preferred to use gas when he mustard his troops.

A time-traveler was arrested. His defence: he was temporally insane.

Hear about the woman who wore a toupee in place of a bra? She was involved in a major rug bust.

Handbag thiefs require great purse-pick-acity.

Which terrorist is a dangerous pedophile?

Been laddin’.

Any plot to assassinate the president is die-Obama-cal.

The NBA player was charged with reckless driving under the influence of alcohol—and summarily convicted. For the prosecution, it was a slam drunk case.

The private detective looked for suspicious clues in the court transcripts, but found it was a read hearing.

How do you execute a king? Royal him alive.

How does the  arsenic killer justify himself?

“Hey - I’m not such a bad poison.”

Violence in Britain is a problem. Especially the police brew-a-tall-tea.

NED: Hear about the mafioso loan shark who killed the Swede?
ED: Really? He must have had a Sven debtor!

Mafiosos who mock their friends are apt to dis a peer.

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!
ED: Really?! Are you guilty?
NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.
ED: Are you saying you didn’t do it on porpoise?

There was a hostage incident at the paint store. They had to call in the swatch team.

If you touch the Queen’s head on a penny, you could be arrested; that’s what happens when you copper-feel.

Did you hear about the remake of the classic Star Wars film? It was set inside the Drug Enforcement Administration, and it was called The Hemp Pyre: Strike Match.

Hear the disturbing news? A sodomite has ass gaped from prison. Now he has entered the general population.

Hear about the incestuous pedophile who was also into bestiality? He was so sexually confused, he enjoyed his bi son.

Barber Sweeney Todd never killed anyone. Those are just vicious groomers.

Nigerian online scam artists are actually based in E-gypt.

You can often tell an organ thief from his accent. Especially the ones from Liverpull.

Avoid groups of sexually frustrated men in prison. They tend to be assive-agressive types. They always want gomorrah.

All political speechwriters should be sentenced to death by electoral-elocution.

After the Statue of Liberty was stolen, David Copperfield was put on trial to be judged by his peers. But he was found not guilty, as he was a con juror.

Animal rights activists should be thrown in jail. They’re all PETA-philes.

I got mugged in Switzerland, and I’ll never go back. Once Berned, twice shy.

Pakistani President Musharraf is an excellent dancer. In the last few days, he showed the world he knows how to shake his Bhutto.

For delaying a shipment of pudding, I was thrown into a Siberian prison, aka the goo lag!

Breaking News: Conrad Black just felon hard times. The newspaper magnate has attracted a lot of press recently.