My friend Amy gained weight by eating her husband! They charged her with Big Amy.

The world’s first murderer was an Abel-bodied male.

Saddam preferred to use gas when he mustard his troops.

A time-traveler was arrested. His defence: he was temporally insane.

Hear about the woman who wore a toupee in place of a bra? She was involved in a major rug bust.

Handbag thiefs require great purse-pick-acity.

Which terrorist is a dangerous pedophile?

Been laddin’.

Any plot to assassinate the president is die-Obama-cal.

The NBA player was charged with reckless driving under the influence of alcohol—and summarily convicted. For the prosecution, it was a slam drunk case.

The private detective looked for suspicious clues in the court transcripts, but found it was a read hearing.

How do you execute a king? Royal him alive.

How does the  arsenic killer justify himself?

“Hey - I’m not such a bad poison.”

Violence in Britain is a problem. Especially the police brew-a-tall-tea.

NED: Hear about the mafioso loan shark who killed the Swede?
ED: Really? He must have had a Sven debtor!

Mafiosos who mock their friends are apt to dis a peer.

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!
ED: Really?! Are you guilty?
NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.
ED: Are you saying you didn’t do it on porpoise?

There was a hostage incident at the paint store. They had to call in the swatch team.

If you touch the Queen’s head on a penny, you could be arrested; that’s what happens when you copper-feel.

Did you hear about the remake of the classic Star Wars film? It was set inside the Drug Enforcement Administration, and it was called The Hemp Pyre: Strike Match.

Hear the disturbing news? A sodomite has ass gaped from prison. Now he has entered the general population.

Hear about the incestuous pedophile who was also into bestiality? He was so sexually confused, he enjoyed his bi son.

Barber Sweeney Todd never killed anyone. Those are just vicious groomers.

Nigerian online scam artists are actually based in E-gypt.

You can often tell an organ thief from his accent. Especially the ones from Liverpull.

Avoid groups of sexually frustrated men in prison. They tend to be assive-agressive types. They always want gomorrah.

All political speechwriters should be sentenced to death by electoral-elocution.

After the Statue of Liberty was stolen, David Copperfield was put on trial to be judged by his peers. But he was found not guilty, as he was a con juror.

Animal rights activists should be thrown in jail. They’re all PETA-philes.

I got mugged in Switzerland, and I’ll never go back. Once Berned, twice shy.

Pakistani President Musharraf is an excellent dancer. In the last few days, he showed the world he knows how to shake his Bhutto.

For delaying a shipment of pudding, I was thrown into a Siberian prison, aka the goo lag!

Breaking News: Conrad Black just felon hard times. The newspaper magnate has attracted a lot of press recently.

NED: I’d like to form a lynch mob.
ED: I dunno, that’s pretty extreme.
NED: Just think of the posse abilities…

It takes a certain type to commit infonticide.

If you want to stop burglars, sprinkle Tide outside your door. It’s a strong detergent.

The lead singer of R.E.M. became a professional paid hit man. He would kill people for a moderate Stipe-end.

People who sing off-key in the shower should be nerve-gassed. Only that will help the sarin-aid.

What happens to light in prism?

It bends over.

The grass farmer was criminally charged after using a sod-off shotgun to settle a lawn-standing turf war - he wanted mow money. After his arrest he was denied bale.

Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel loves baseball. His favourite position is designated Hitler.

The suspect claimed he was wrongly accused of arson‘. “I am not a flamer,” he said.

People don’t like handgun violence, but I say give piece a chance.

When Sherlock saw the disemboweled murder victim’s coiled intestines, he said to Watson, “Alimentary, my dear.”

I knew the Broadway Theatre award show was corrupt when, at the banquet, they served rigatoni.

A lynch mob formed after the cat killed a mouse. They decided to round up a pussy.

Saddam had one cousin, a punster, who escaped prosecution. His name was Comic-ali, and he sassed the Kurds.

The Aer Lingus flight to Guan dong was commandeered by coked-up masturbators, trying to gain entry to the cock pit. They were high jackers who got upset when they looked out the window and saw no sign of a China. It ended badly when they blew each other up in the sky.

Prison novels have their prose and cons.

What do pickpockets and political writers have in common?

One is pursecuted, the other is prose-cuted.