When someone runs over a cat, and it has to be cleaned off the street, who picks up the tabby?

Trying to kill a vampire? Don’t make a miss stake!

Auctioning a corpse: now that’s morbid!

Why can’t midgets be killed?

Because—they aren’t more tall beings.

The Portland undertaker’s society started a new periodical, called the Maggot Zine. It features weekly new fleshes. Apparently their readership is very dessicated. Since the Zine is free, they rely heavily on their Oregon donors.

How do you execute a king? Royal him alive.

Are corpses upset about being dead?

Yes, they are lived.

When I worked at the morgue, my zombie friend came in and asked if he eat the brains of the newest corpse. I didn’t care, so I said he cadaver.

They found a new way to kill pirates:

Gas them with argon.

The patron saint of constipation had a grisly end: he was mar turd.

How can you tell if a dyslexic corpse is quizzing you?

‘Tis More Rigor ous.

I can never remember if all of Louis XVI’s relatives were guillotined too. Let’s not split heirs.

When someone stole my toilet paper, I felt like I had been visited by the Grim Wiper.

Hear about the executioner who preferred to work at night? He used gallow in the dark technology.

Death row inmates with laryngitis can’t speak up for themselves. Their women will want to save them, however, because they’re hung like a hoarse.

Condom use can lead to asphyxia: it makes it hard to breed.

William Tell shot his son in the skull. What a bow-in-head maneuver! It made him quiver. After Tell had an unmistakable arrow tragedy around him. And he spoke with a twang.

Barber Sweeney Todd never killed anyone. Those are just vicious groomers.

The leading cause of death among pathologists is coronerary heart attacks.

All political speechwriters should be sentenced to death by electoral-elocution.

Genocidal clan killings in Africa? Don’t get me started on a die a tribe!

As she’s watching the paparazzi ruckus from heaven, I’m sure she wished to have been Princess Die-anonymously.

The lead singer of R.E.M. became a professional paid hit man. He would kill people for a moderate Stipe-end.

How much mass does it take to smother an elderly woman?

Just one kilogram. But the guilt weighs heavily.

It can be dangerous to eat unskinned meat. You might end up in the more-chew-hairy.

Why did Britney’s suicide attempt fail?

Because Kevin Fed her line.

The former president of Turkmenistan was delirious on his deathbed. His aides asked before he died whom he thought should be his successor. But the statesman spouted complete gibberish, rasping “gurbangulymalikgulyyewicberdimuhammedow!” before collapsing dead.

Although they are annoying, don’t swat away the pigeons. They might get depressed, and commit shoo-aside.

NED: Being a cremator is a lucrative business.
ED: How’s that?
NED: You urn a lot!

Motto of a necrophage: “Nice tomb eat you!”

How do you tell if a soccer player is dead?

He doesn’t respond to the coroner kick.

War crimes scandal: everyone knows how Slobodan Milosevic was recently found dead in his prison cell in Geneva. Less well known is that rapper Vanilla Ice has also been charged - with rhymes against humanity.

Hear about the bold new killer?

Emphasisema.

The priest left for dead in the church fire was said to have parished.

Putting down a mangy dog requires a lot a cur rage.

NED: Did the poet really jump out a building and kill himself on the concrete?
ED: Oh no - that was a met-a-floor.

Do pathologists shop at the coroner store?

Getting your head chopped off by a glass shard is a real pane in the neck.

Graverobbers get up to a lot of skulldiggery.

They killed the king of daytime television. It was Regiside.

Why are funerals usually held in the a.m.?

Because - they’re in mourning.

How does one put a cow to sleep?

Run it down with a bull dozer.

Does an executioner who gets nervous about sending an aristocrat to the gallows suffer from performance hang-society?

The boxer who turned priest found much glee in visiting his former ring opponents who were now old and sick, and administering a few last rights.

Is it true that Jesus was sentenced to be run over by a Chrysler PT?

Yes, He was Cruiserfied.

Hear about the play they staged at a cemetery?

It got grave reviews.

Why should you face death by firing squad instead of running a marathon?

Because it’s better to be strafed than sore-kneed.