When Sartre was forced to explain e-commerce to a cow, he remarked “Hell is udder Paypal.”

When Sartre was forced to watch marine mammals through a small hole, he remarked, “Hell is otter peephole.”

Little people want to get to heaven. Alas, mini are called but few are chosen.

Did Jesus ever get a haircut?

Yes, He said “Render unto scissor what belongs to scissors!” So it is proven that Jesus shaves.

Darth Vader threw a root vegetable at his son’s car. He said ‘Luke, I yam your four-door!’

After Marie Antoinette said “Let them eat cake,” French protesters responded with “Hey hey, ho ho, Marie-Antoinette has gateau go!”

Hitler in France: “Veni vidi Vichy“?

Wide men can’t jump.

When I saw a wicker furniture outlet in Copenhagen, I knew there was something ratan in the state of Denmark.

Mr. T is getting incontinent in his old age. He was recently heard to boast, “I shitty the pool.“

When the rain fell on our heads it was like glorious piss. So I quoted Shakespeare, saying “The sky is a most excellent can o’ pee.”

Do leafy vegetables give you gas?

Yes, to misquote the Latin proverb, arsest celery fart ‘em.

Jesus loved publicans. In fact, he said, “Blessed are the pouring spirits!”

If you crap into a bottle of whiskey, you will go straight to heaven. After all, Jesus said “Blessed are the pooer in spirits.”

NED: I believe Homeland Security depends on two things:
ED: What’s that?
NED: First, honouring our sheep, and second, constipating our pigeons.
ED: Really?
NED: Yes! Everyone knows that ewe-knighted we stand, while dove-voided we fall.

Holmes and Watson went to a vegan restaurant that served only tree dishes. Watson asked Holmes how he would order. Sherlock replied “Elm entree, my dear.”

We all know about his famous bath, but what did Archimedes say his first time before a urinal?

“Urethra! I’ve found it!”

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when Dorothy spilled beer on her?

“I’m malting!…. I’m malting!“

When asked for advice on mountain climbing by his Roman colleagues, Caesar replied, “K2, Brute.“

The museum is unveiling a mural of the great Stooge’s most famous quotations. Make sure to visit this fantastic Moe-say-ic.

What did Archimedes’ wife say to him before he took his bath?

“You reeka!“

Why did Laertes place tariffs on foreign bookcases?

Because Polonius advised him, “This above all else: to thine home shelf be true!“

What Yoda said when Jerry Maguire told him a joke:

“Shows me the pun, he.”

Why did Socrates always keep his dough yeast-free until inspection?

Because the unexamined loaf is not worth leaven.