Do race car drivers skip brake fast?

I eat shredded cabbage with mayonnaise: I’m a slaw-biting citizen.

My Russian mechanic souped up my car. Now it drives like a Borscht!

I’m hooked on soft drinks. I have a coke can addiction.

Women who have tattoos of drink containers are cute, because Thermos tats keep things hot!

To a vegetarian, meat is murder. But for a sandwich, meat is mortar.

Too much cereal gives me my grains.

Buttered scones can give you heart attacks. Keep eating them and you might need an angliopastry.

Quality of pub food is measured by which instrument? A barroom eater

Tuscany is a slum! Everyone lives in chianti-towns. And I don’t mean to grape, but  in some French regions, all the houses are bordeauxed up. What a bunch of vine-os - the lowest of the Merlot!

Dear Pun Gents, a pun about Clipper Teas. ~Ashley, Birmingham, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. You’re heading down a Clipper-y slurp.
2. We’re potheads!
3. So incredibly fantastic, you’ll think it was Fairy Trade
4. In France, they baguette. In England, we bag it.
5. We have steep pockets.

Gourmet burgers joints are popping up all over, thanks to the rise of the Hambourgeois.

What do you call the study of torch-wielding midgets? Gas-throw-gnomy.

Do citrus farmers drive around in lime-oozings?

Dear Pun Gents, Heidi from cloud control is in business as a cake racketeer, what should her slogan be? ~Emma, Melbourne

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Pastry de resistance
2. Bucake
3. I’m a cakey muthaf******
4. Let them cake meet!

Drinking Japanese beer makes me Sapporific.

If a fish and chips shack burns down, the insurance company won’t help, as they don’t cover snacks of cod.

The man with pickle breath lived in a very dill adapted house, near Ogorki Park. He grew pink cornichons in his garden.

For those trying to give up salty snacks for Lent, I say beer nut afraid.

I was charged $200 for dinner last night. I think I got plate.

Anyone who doesn’t like Pepsi is a Coke-sucker.

At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments,  just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted.

Dear Pun Gents, need a pun on a cake auction. ~Kelly, Chiefland, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Congratulations, you’ve just won a brand new carb!
2. When I see cake, icing for joy.
3. Flantastic Voyage
4. Give Piece a Chance
5. Jack Frosting

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to ask a friend to buy beer or alcohol. ~Joey, Redlands, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ale be forever grateful.
2. Don’t make me go boozerk.
3. Wine not?
4. Vodka I do for you?
5. It’s not going tequila-ya
6. Can I ask you a martini tiny favour?

The second richest man in the world hates restaurants , and has even declared a war on buffets.

I began owning up to my flatulence, after eating a frank-farter.

I have a weakness for Japanese soup. Guess that makes me a misochist.

Why should you never add seasoning to Ethiopian food?

Because that would just add-in salt to injera.

I’m having a Lord of the Rings dinner party! We’re having Hamwise-Sandwichees, with a side of Frodo salad, followed by frog Legolas and Aragorn on the cob. Dessert will be a bowl of mango Saruman and a vodka Gimli.

What do vegetarian zombies scream for?

“GRAINS!”

Do baristas listen to frappe music?

Why do vegetarians have no sense of humour?

Because they are irony deficient!

NED: In Shakepeare’s Merchant of Venison, Shylock offers to sell Antonio a pound of flesh.
ED: Oh deer.

When it comes to meat-eating, I enjoy venison, but I absolutely love faundue!

Do hip ‘eaus drink Perrier?

The sales of peanut butter cups have plummeted during this reesecession.

Indian restaurants suffer from much vindalooism.

How do you pay for a hot dog in Geneva? With a Swiss frank.

The Scandinavian cook went to the store and brought some Stockholm to Sweden the pot.

I only eat spoiled foods. I’m on a microbe biotic diet.

NED: Eating yogurt gives me pornographic hallucinations.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah. I think it’s the acidophallus.

Which celebrity microwaves his hotdogs?

Frank Zappa.

Gummy worms taste too Wrigley

I love coffee, but only instant coffee. I’m like a bodumless pit.

Hot dogs are a violent food. Anyone who eats them promotes warm mongreling.

I quit drinking hard liquor and joined with my brothers at AA. Together we are kin dread spirits.

Being Scottish is an addiction. It’s quite haggis-forming.

I didn’t want to fetch a sandwich for my boss, but I was forced into sub mission.

When I mistook the piece of crap for the sausage, my day immediately took a turd for the wurst.