The man with pickle breath lived in a very dill adapted house, near Ogorki Park. He grew pink cornichons in his garden.

For those trying to give up salty snacks for Lent, I say beer nut afraid.

I was charged $200 for dinner last night. I think I got plate.

Anyone who doesn’t like Pepsi is a Coke-sucker.

At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments,  just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted.

Dear Pun Gents, need a pun on a cake auction. ~Kelly, Chiefland, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Congratulations, you’ve just won a brand new carb!
2. When I see cake, icing for joy.
3. Flantastic Voyage
4. Give Piece a Chance
5. Jack Frosting

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to ask a friend to buy beer or alcohol. ~Joey, Redlands, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ale be forever grateful.
2. Don’t make me go boozerk.
3. Wine not?
4. Vodka I do for you?
5. It’s not going tequila-ya
6. Can I ask you a martini tiny favour?

The second richest man in the world hates restaurants , and has even declared a war on buffets.

I began owning up to my flatulence, after eating a frank-farter.

I have a weakness for Japanese soup. Guess that makes me a misochist.

Why should you never add seasoning to Ethiopian food?

Because that would just add-in salt to injera.

I’m having a Lord of the Rings dinner party! We’re having Hamwise-Sandwichees, with a side of Frodo salad, followed by frog Legolas and Aragorn on the cob. Dessert will be a bowl of mango Saruman and a vodka Gimli.

What do vegetarian zombies scream for?

“GRAINS!”

Do baristas listen to frappe music?

Why do vegetarians have no sense of humour?

Because they are irony deficient!

NED: In Shakepeare’s Merchant of Venison, Shylock offers to sell Antonio a pound of flesh.
ED: Oh deer.

When it comes to meat-eating, I enjoy venison, but I absolutely love faundue!

Do hip ‘eaus drink Perrier?

The sales of peanut butter cups have plummeted during this reesecession.

Indian restaurants suffer from much vindalooism.

How do you pay for a hot dog in Geneva? With a Swiss frank.

The Scandinavian cook went to the store and brought some Stockholm to Sweden the pot.

I only eat spoiled foods. I’m on a microbe biotic diet.

NED: Eating yogurt gives me pornographic hallucinations.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah. I think it’s the acidophallus.

Which celebrity microwaves his hotdogs?

Frank Zappa.

Gummy worms taste too Wrigley

I love coffee, but only instant coffee. I’m like a bodumless pit.

Hot dogs are a violent food. Anyone who eats them promotes warm mongreling.

I quit drinking hard liquor and joined with my brothers at AA. Together we are kin dread spirits.

Being Scottish is an addiction. It’s quite haggis-forming.

I didn’t want to fetch a sandwich for my boss, but I was forced into sub mission.

When I mistook the piece of crap for the sausage, my day immediately took a turd for the wurst.

Ever since the economy crumbled I’ve not only lost my house, but my cutlery too. I’ve been fork losed!

When Cheesus started his muenstery, he wanted to save people from edam-nation. The numbers in hell gruyere by year. And the devil was evil like the mythical gorgon zola, but cheddar days were ahead.

What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.

What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.

New Puns on Demand filled today!

John Lennon was hungry, but he wouldn’t give pies a chance. He insisted on having a yellow submarine. Paul just said ‘Let it Brie.’

John was hungry, but he wouldn't give pies a chance. He wanted a yellow submarine.

When it comes to cheeses, demolition experts don’t like cheddar; they prefer de brie.

Before proving his own existence, Rene Descartes proved that Mexican food causes flatulence—with his less famous aphorism, “burrito, air go boom!”

NED: I just ate at a really expensive pancake place…
ED: Was it too much money?
NED: Absolutely. It was ugly, just a crepe and billage!

How do you open a champagne bottle?

Brut force.

Hear they’re opening an Indian restaurant in naAntarctica? It’s a way to curry favour with the locals.

The surfer enjoyed a white cap every night before bed. But when it was too dark to surf and he got injured, he couldn’t sue anyone. He had already waved his rights.

What’s Michael Jackson’s signature Japanese-style beef dish?
Moo-in-wok.

There may be widespread food shortages in Africa, but there’s a real problem with obesity in Burkina Fatso.

I finally drank some unusual alcohol. I lost my weird ginnity.

I eat pie and it makes me sick. I’m a member of the Flu Flux Flan.

I asked my dyslexic friend to define dyslexia. He said “Dylsexia: when you have sex with a dill pickle.”

I can never manage to make a salad. I find my colander is just too packed.

Several Olympic events involve coffee: eg. the decaflon and the java line.