No, it’s not 13: there’s always a leaven in a baker’s dozen.

I’m sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It’s like the Spinach Inquisition!

My pancake maker was stolen, syruptitiously. What a waffle experience - I feel like I’ve been creped. Who will solve this griddle? It’s a salt and buttery: but will the charges stick?

I made a rousing speech about pickled fruits that start with ‘Q’.  Far and wide I became known for my grand dill o’ quince.

There’s a new drug called ‘food’ that makes you feel great, and is good for you too. From now on, I’m poppin suppers!

Ashamed of my weight, I eat pies in secret. It’s a flandestine activity.

The fruit juice entrepreneur was quite snappley dressed.

I mashed together chick peas and apples and the resulting gooey mixture was poisonous. I guess I’m a hummus cider maniac.

I don’t feel hungry when I see a Belgian waffle; I feel absolutely Flemished!

Emergency in the kitchen? Use pasta SOS.

I was skinny in high school, so when I got to university I joined a fatternity: eta omega pi

Bread made from ground up dogs tastes like collie flour.

Eating beans gives me a pulse hating headache.

Do race car drivers skip brake fast?

I eat shredded cabbage with mayonnaise: I’m a slaw-biting citizen.

My Russian mechanic souped up my car. Now it drives like a Borscht!

I’m hooked on soft drinks. I have a coke can addiction.

Women who have tattoos of drink containers are cute, because Thermos tats keep things hot!

To a vegetarian, meat is murder. But for a sandwich, meat is mortar.

Too much cereal gives me my grains.

Buttered scones can give you heart attacks. Keep eating them and you might need an angliopastry.

Quality of pub food is measured by which instrument? A barroom eater

Tuscany is a slum! Everyone lives in chianti-towns. And I don’t mean to grape, but  in some French regions, all the houses are bordeauxed up. What a bunch of vine-os - the lowest of the Merlot!

Dear Pun Gents, a pun about Clipper Teas. ~Ashley, Birmingham, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. You’re heading down a Clipper-y slurp.
2. We’re potheads!
3. So incredibly fantastic, you’ll think it was Fairy Trade
4. In France, they baguette. In England, we bag it.
5. We have steep pockets.

Gourmet burgers joints are popping up all over, thanks to the rise of the Hambourgeois.

What do you call the study of torch-wielding midgets? Gas-throw-gnomy.

Do citrus farmers drive around in lime-oozings?

Dear Pun Gents, Heidi from cloud control is in business as a cake racketeer, what should her slogan be? ~Emma, Melbourne

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Pastry de resistance
2. Bucake
3. I’m a cakey muthaf******
4. Let them cake meet!

Drinking Japanese beer makes me Sapporific.

If a fish and chips shack burns down, the insurance company won’t help, as they don’t cover snacks of cod.

The man with pickle breath lived in a very dill adapted house, near Ogorki Park. He grew pink cornichons in his garden.

For those trying to give up salty snacks for Lent, I say beer nut afraid.

I was charged $200 for dinner last night. I think I got plate.

Anyone who doesn’t like Pepsi is a Coke-sucker.

At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments,  just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted.

Dear Pun Gents, need a pun on a cake auction. ~Kelly, Chiefland, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Congratulations, you’ve just won a brand new carb!
2. When I see cake, icing for joy.
3. Flantastic Voyage
4. Give Piece a Chance
5. Jack Frosting

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to ask a friend to buy beer or alcohol. ~Joey, Redlands, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ale be forever grateful.
2. Don’t make me go boozerk.
3. Wine not?
4. Vodka I do for you?
5. It’s not going tequila-ya
6. Can I ask you a martini tiny favour?

The second richest man in the world hates restaurants , and has even declared a war on buffets.

I began owning up to my flatulence, after eating a frank-farter.

I have a weakness for Japanese soup. Guess that makes me a misochist.

Why should you never add seasoning to Ethiopian food?

Because that would just add-in salt to injera.

I’m having a Lord of the Rings dinner party! We’re having Hamwise-Sandwichees, with a side of Frodo salad, followed by frog Legolas and Aragorn on the cob. Dessert will be a bowl of mango Saruman and a vodka Gimli.

What do vegetarian zombies scream for?

“GRAINS!”

Do baristas listen to frappe music?

Why do vegetarians have no sense of humour?

Because they are irony deficient!

NED: In Shakepeare’s Merchant of Venison, Shylock offers to sell Antonio a pound of flesh.
ED: Oh deer.

When it comes to meat-eating, I enjoy venison, but I absolutely love faundue!

Do hip ‘eaus drink Perrier?