Edward VIII’s crown was throne away.

The Fountain of Youth was just a Ponce scheme.

Boris Yeltsin drank so much he became glassnosed.

Irish emigration due to the great potato famine, aka Starch Trek?

Dear Pun Gents, a pun about Lewis & Clark. ~Sophia, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. As explorers, they must have got tired. After I while I bet they were just searching for the Northwest Massage.
2. How did Lewis insult Clark? “You Suckagawaea!”
3. Their obsession with reaching the west coast aka a Pacifixation.

Dear Pun Gents, I’m trying to come up with some names for a play I’m adapting and I need a name for a medieval musician. I already have Iona Lute. Need something along these lines but a male name. Thanks! ~Jess, Manchester, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Martin Luter
2. Robert Zithermann
3. Coral Singer
4. Armando Lin
5. Shawm Reed
6. See more medieval instruments here

Vacations were cheaper before steamships, because cruises were always on sail.

Did Genghis Khan sleep his way to the top?

Yes, the Mongol whored.

2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: ‘Bad Romans‘.

When Nelson defeated Napoleon, he destroyed their French ship.

Is there is no L on Earth, then Stalin would just be a stain.

The ancient Mongols, after each victory, got extremely drunk. They commanded a barf-lung empire.

After Marie Antoinette said “Let them eat cake,” French protesters responded with “Hey hey, ho ho, Marie-Antoinette has gateau go!”

Hitler in France: “Veni vidi Vichy“?

Finishing my classics PhD was like escaping from a labyrinth. Luckily, my supervisor was an expert on ancient Greek mythology. It was like theses and the mentor.

Japanese shoguns were not allowed to carry concealed weapons.

Female court jesters in the Middle Ages often suffered from minstrel cramps.

Did Franklin Roosevelt smell? No, that was The odor.

If the Titanic had been called the Titanus it never would have been penetrated. Instead it was doom to sphinct, and all onboard the ship were tossed from the rear. The captain in particular insisted on going down. [Speaking of Titanic, did you hear Spiel Berg is talking about a sequel?]

I met a homeless prostitute during WWI. She was known as The Grate Whore.

Was the Reign of Terror peaceful? It was a blood-loss revolution, after all.

Mime Camp: Hitler’s book about his struggles in training as a performance artist.

The Italian fascist dictator was a trivia expert: Benito Miscellany.

In ancient Rome, prostitution wasn’t unusual. It was a whore-denarii sight.

The biggest critics of the Roman Empire? The censurions.

Until Pythagoras was able to formulate his famous theorem about 90-degree-angle triangles, he considered himself a failed righter.

When reporters asked Pierre Trudeau if his carpet would ever match his drapes, he replied “Just swatch me!”

What did Columbus say when landing his ship among the Indians?

“Ahoy there, Metis!”

Soviet cannibals preferred dining on Germans. Because they were total-eat-Aryans.

Sixteenth century musicians were often guilty of lute behaviour. And any who denied it was considered a lyre.

Which dynasty of kings believed in sprawl?

The House of Burbin’. [As for the Tooters, they were known for breaking Windsor.]

What ever happened to the Roman governor of Judea?

He got depressed, went broke, and became known as Pawn-shit Pilate .

I can never remember if all of Louis XVI’s relatives were guillotined too. Let’s not split heirs.

Apples were very expensive in ancient Rome. Worst of all in Pomme-pay.

When Anne went Boleyn, she used her head and had a ball.

Did Henry Ford usher in the Auto-man empire?

The worst ecological disaster in Chinese history was perpetrated after a wild night at a strip club, when Communist Party officials misheard their drunken President eagerly calling for “Three Gorgeous Dames!”

Which Nazi loved Michael Jordan?

Joseph Goebbels. He loved it when things were Goering well for the Chicago squad, and especially when MJ would achieve Luftwaffe and Reich up the points. For the fans, it was beyond their wildest iMaginotion. It was Panzermonium.

During Prohibition did mice visit squeakeasies?

Ancient goat-plays were satyrical. They were univerally Panned.

The embattled Russian emperor was thrown into a ditch. Upon being pulled out, he remarked, “I am not a fan of Czar chasm.”

Ancient Egyptian mummifiers practised poor hygiene. Unfortunately they didn’t have time to clean out the mummies’ bowels, before the bodies were in turd.

Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel loves baseball. His favourite position is designated Hitler.

Malcom X was unfraid to fart among white people. He simply threw Caucasian to the wind.

The Crusaders weren’t into raping and pillaging, but they were into papin’ and religion.

Teflon has been around since ancient times. For example, the Gnostics.

Little known fact: the Mongol dictator had a stuttering problem. They called him Again-ghis Khan.

If Nostradamus was a superhero, would he have had a psychic?

When the Europeans arrived, the Indians owned all the land in North America. Amass acre was inevitable.