The Crusaders weren’t into raping and pillaging, but they were into papin’ and religion.

Teflon has been around since ancient times. For example, the Gnostics.

Little known fact: the Mongol dictator had a stuttering problem. They called him Again-ghis Khan.

If Nostradamus was a superhero, would he have had a psychic?

When the Europeans arrived, the Indians owned all the land in North America. Amass acre was inevitable.

In times Roman, if a child was not brought to the baptismal font, all helvetica broke loose.

Sex toys go back thousands of years, even into the Mesoamericas. They were never at a loss for anal wands during the Ass tech empire.

The Norman king drove the Anglo-Saxons crazy at the Battle of Hastings. He was known as William the Bonkerer.

Alternate title for Homer’s Iliad?

Of Mycenaean Men.

The Trojan War was awful and dirty. It was Helen Earth.

Dictator Idi Amin was accused of cannibalism. His was a totaleatarian regime, after all.

Which Transylvanian despot had a reputation for swallowing midgets?

Vlad the Imp-inhaler.

Oozing with mystery, the Ancient Greeks were Minoan for their seCrete societies.

The Ancient Egyptians were very scientific in all matters. In fact they even quantified their sexual enjoyment, by keeping track of Pharoah-moan production.

Last words of the Titanic captain?

‘Holey Ship!’

War crimes scandal: everyone knows how Slobodan Milosevic was recently found dead in his prison cell in Geneva. Less well known is that rapper Vanilla Ice has also been charged - with rhymes against humanity.

After Lincoln was shot, he was made fun of by punsters. He was a victim of
a sassin’ .

Which medieval scourge pre-dated spam?

Chainmail letters.

True or false: Marc O’Polo was Irish.

Which assassin farted in a crowded theatre box?

John Wilts Booth.

What did the captain of the Titanic say after hitting the iceberg?

“This doesn’t boat well.”

Did all the goodlooking women go naked during the London Blitz?

Yes - there were many ‘aerate’ sirens.

When a Cambodian warlord wants to put on alluring makeup, does he use ‘come-here’ rouge?

In frontier times, the town of Arial, Nebraska, was suffering mayhem. It was sans sherif.

How does Davy Crockett order pie in a restaurant?

“Remember the A la mode!“

During work stoppages on the great Egyptian canal, the workers grew Suez-idle.

Did many oil tankers crash in Prince William Sound because the captain drank too much coffee?

No, just Juan Valdez.