Dear Pun Gents, something about Valentine’s day like “bee mine” with a bee or “sweet on you” with candy or “nuts about you” with a peanut that i could put on a card. ~Samantha, New Britain, CT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. It was two heart to get you a present.
2. For our V-day dinner, set the lovin’ to ‘high’
3. And you thought I never card about you.
4. I baked you something special. Cuz all you knead is loaf.
5. Let’s have a hearty dinner
6. You and Me = A VD I got from Dupree

Chimneys make Santa Claustrophobic.

It’s Indie Pun Gents Day! We’re still not signed to a major label…

Activists are protesting in the North Pole against Santa Claus. Specifically, his use of reindeer as sleigh labour.

The weirdest celebrity Christmas ever was when Eminem sang in reverse and then disappeared. He un-rapped his presence.

Have some fast food - it’s Good Fry Day!

Where should you shop for Mother’s Day?

Mumbai.

I enjoy fish on Yum Kipper.

There’s nothing quite like a South Pacific vacation: seven days in Jakarta makes me week Indonesia.

In the days leading up to Christmas, people in San Francisco did everything they could to avoid the mauls, as they were a real zoo. The only people who weren’t worried were lawyers with an escape claws.

Forget Christmas carols. It’s time to perform Johann’s arias, because today is Bach sing day.

What should you give a ghost for Christmas?

Presence.

Why did Frank Costanza serve chicken for Festivus?

Because he loved pole-tree .

I went to a comedy show on Hallowe’en. It was a real boohaha!

Do prostitutes look forward to their holiday bonus?

The boy went trick or treating, dressed as a soothing lotion. He was called Aloe Ian.

NED: I have an irrational fear that Santa will get tossed from his sleigh.
ED: What’s that?
NED: Claustrewphobia!

Jesus rose again, on Yeaster Sunday. He died ferment, but truly He is the leaven Lord.

I always get lost driving on New Year’s eve. I blame the Old Lane Signs.

Jews who celebrate Christmas are rare. They’re definitely in the menorah-tree.

I dressed as a hooker for Hallowe’en. It was a blow in the dark costume.

What do Jamaicans say on St. Patrick’s Day?

“Kiss me, I’m Irie.“

The fourth Wise Man gave the baby Jesus a photo of Alfred E Neuman. It was known as the Gift of the Mad Guy.

What do bad Eskimos get in their stockings for Xmas?

A lump of cold.

Hear the pun about the rooster who celebrated Remembrance Day?

It’s a load of poppycock.

Do Muslims celebrate the Thanksgiving Harvest?

Yes, there are a Koranucopia of traditions!

I committed a crime during Oktoberfest, and my friend ratted on me to the cops. Man, what a schnitz.