Our Asian friend Mr. Nguyen is unimpressed by our Jesus puns. I guess we’re bore Nguyen Christians.

The Wedding at Cana proved that Jesus was a wine/eau.

No room in the inn? Take it like a manger!

To all Evangelicals, Pentecostals, 7th Day Adventists and Baptists who truly believe - the Big Day is coming tomorrow, so make sure you’ve rapture presents!

Dear Pun Gents, I’m making a movie poster for an art history class on early Netherlandish paintings and I’m trying to crack a joke about the ‘mystic marriage’ of St. Catherine to the baby Jesus. HELP! What would make a funny title? ~Leslie, Baton Rouge, LA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. My How He’s Groom!
2. J.C. and the Pious Cats
3. Saviour the Date!

Did Jesus ever get a haircut?

Yes, He said “Render unto scissor what belongs to scissors!” So it is proven that Jesus shaves.

Jesus preached his Thesis on Apiary Psychology, aka the Bee Attitudes.

If Jesus had been a chiropractor, would there have been millions of disc I pulls?

Avoid Bethlehem if you can. It’s mangerous at night.

Have some fast food - it’s Good Fry Day!

When Cheesus started his muenstery, he wanted to save people from edam-nation. The numbers in hell gruyere by year. And the devil was evil like the mythical gorgon zola, but cheddar days were ahead.

To a hungry monk, cheese is Christ.

Jesus loved publicans. In fact, he said, “Blessed are the pouring spirits!”

What happened when Jesus took Viagra?

He rose again. It was the Second Coming. He said to his disciples, “Check out my nail,” and they couldn’t believe how He was hung. He was truly the messy. Ah. And so the Church soon broke into many groups/sects.

When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to Mary Magdalene, in disbelief, she exclaimed “No way!”

Jesus replied, “Yahweh!”

What did the founder of Starbucks and Jesus have in common?

He brew religion.

Is it true that Jesus could only perform miracles, because He was on steroids?

Yes - after all, he was King of the Juice!

If you crap into a bottle of whiskey, you will go straight to heaven. After all, Jesus said “Blessed are the pooer in spirits.”

If Jesus had weighed 450 pounds, would the Bible have started “In the biggening…”?

Jesus rose again, on Yeaster Sunday. He died ferment, but truly He is the leaven Lord.

At the Last Supper, Judas ruined Jesus’ omelette. That day became known as Gooed Fried Egg.

Renegade theologians are now arguing that Jesus was, in fact, somewhat evil. After all, his mother’s sister was the Auntie Christ.

Jesus often sucked on balloons. It was because they contained healium.

How did the Virgin Mary deliver her baby? Emmanuel labour.

Hear about the dog that tried to bite baby Jesus?

It had a bad case of the manger!

New evidence indicates that Jesus was in fact a proctologist by trade, rather than a carpenter. In fact, he was a fissurer of men.

Jesus told a lot of stories about poor people. They are great stories. In fact, they are income parable.

Did Judas avoid the stock markets?

No - in fact he was a day traitor.

At the Second Gumming of Christ, Jesus will finally be crowned King of the Chews.

Jesus was accused by his enemies of being a manipulative puppetmaster. They referred to Him as ‘SvenGalilee‘

Jesus barely passed his high school chemistry exams. They made a movie of it: The Last Titration of Christ. He was tested by the devil.

Where did Judas betray Jesus?

In the Garden of Get-Some-Money.

Jesus didn’t bring his friend back from the dead. The fellow was merely sleeping. And so it was “Lazy-rus, come forth!”

When He was born, the Three Wise Men came to Bethlehem, where they found Jesus lying in a manger. They offered Him gold, frankincense and myrrh. Not as well known, however, is that when he turned 21 the Wise Men took the Saviour to a strip club, to watch exotic dancers. This was known as The Gift of the Vagi.

How do generals make decisions during a Holy War?

They ask, “What would StrateJesus do?”

The fourth Wise Man gave the baby Jesus a photo of Alfred E Neuman. It was known as the Gift of the Mad Guy.

Said Jesus to the crowd of plastic surgeons: “Jug not, lest ye be jugged!”

When Jesus was on Earth, the winters were very cold. Luckily he had his 12 apopsicles.

Michael Jackson thought he was Jesus. One day he even gave the Sermon on the Mount. And it was known as the Beat-it-udes.

Is it true that Jesus was sentenced to be run over by a Chrysler PT?

Yes, He was Cruiserfied.

Where in the Bible does Jesus bequeath his woodworking tools?

The Axe of the Apostles!

How do barbers advertise in the Bible Belt?

“Jesus shaves.”

Why did the gadget lover praise the Lord when the PDF guide for his digital camera successfully opened?

Because the e-manual had come!