Birthquake: a woman going into labour.

Elementary school talent shows are intense. Some of the competitors really go for the juggler.

I made my son do sit-ups. He claimed it was child ab use.

Dear Pun Gents, I need team name ideas for a charity walk for babies born prematurely (March of Dimes). We’re walking in memory of my son Gabriel and in honor of others. Thank you! ~Audra, Allen, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The Premi-mums
2. The Toddler Waddlers
3. The Gabe Pride Parade
4. Baby Walk
5. Tinysty

Dear Pun Gents, I am writing a news article on the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin for both a tabloid and a broadsheet but I dont know what the two headlines should be, please could you help me with some clever puns? ~Greg, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Plague it Again, Sam
2. On a Fluting Spree
3. Rattaboy!
4. The Verminator
5. He Just Rodent To Town…
6. Now Appearing on Kids Row

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for the title of our school’s newspaper. Right now it is the ‘Zeitgeist’ but we would like something more catchy. Our school focuses on math, science and technology. Maybe something with ‘infinite’? ~Kelsey, Lawrenceville, GA (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Forget the Zeitgeist: make way for the Zit Digest
2. Kids in the LOL
3. Paper View Channel
4. Youth Tube
5. Rag Against the Machine
6. Social Median, Mean and Mode
7. Infiniteens
8. Go Ogle It
9. Readerected

The story about the boy who had imaginary insect friends was very knew antsed.

If Sherlock Holmes was featured in a kids’ book would it have been ‘The Man in the Hat’ by Dr. Sleuth?

Dear Pun Gents, a pun about young people and politics. ~Asghar, London, UK (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. It’s sad that teenagers see political involvement as a youthless gesture.
2. How to get young men interested in politics? Two words: Pornstitutional Bonarchy
3. The U.S. constitution does NOT start ‘Wii, the people…’
4. Underage voters could elect a minor-ity government.
5. You don’t need pubes to serve the public.

Proof that Sarah Palin’s child isn’t developmentally delayed is that he can do math. In fact, Trig functions.

Hear about the Star Wars action figure defects? Kenner is recalling my toy Yoda.

Some children’s books are awful. Whinny the Poo was complete horse shit.

Malingerer: a kid who hangs out in shopping centers.

Do babies drive Mini Poopers?

Which toy company believes in affirmative action?

Hasbro.

Any theory about baby behaviour must have many crawleries.

Some fundamentalist Islamic parents won’t let their daughters leave the house. They keep them under Koran-teen.

Do overprivileged children go online for their social networthing?

Screw the petriarchy - I’m having a test-tube baby!

The boy went trick or treating, dressed as a soothing lotion. He was called Aloe Ian.

To determine the sex of your baby, ultrasound technicians use status-testical analysis.

p.s. Good luck to Pun Gent Pat, as he is winging his way down to sunny Austin, Texas to compete in the 30th annual O. Henry Pun-Off!

In the digital age, how do know your child is potty trained?

When he says ‘iPooed‘.

Some people believe abortion is inevitable. They tend to be fetalists.

Bill Gates was quite a deliquent as a child; a real nerd-do-well!

How did the Virgin Mary deliver her baby? Emmanuel labour.

For years the tobacco companies marketed smoking to minors. Even now they sell cigarettes by the cartoon.

Do the IT technicians on Sesame Street have to defraggle their hard drives?

If your child has no father, you must go to France and hire a no-pere.

My niece ate my nephew. Such a little munch-kin!

Do babies search using GooGool?

The chiropractor told my pregnant wife and I that our unborn child should have an adjustment. But I think he was just trying to fetus align.

Which Smurf nemesis has bad breath?

Gargle-mal.

Did many clothing designers suffer from infantile diarrhea?

Yes - it’s Gucci-Gucci goo!

Giving birth to a happy baby is no mean fetus.

The strict elementary school principal suspended any student who came down with laryngitis. He did not approve of hoarseplay.

Barney the Dinosaur was murdered by his best friend Baby Bop. Police are still looking for the purple-traitor.

Why could Frosty the Snowman see everything?

Because he had ice in the back of his head!

How do educators in Japan determine whether a child is intellectually gifted?

By looking at her hai ku scores!

Why do children love hotel rooms?

Because they have a fondness for suites!

Why did the pregnant woman spit up her baby?

Because she was expectoring a child!