In France, cats attack birds, nest paw?

How is British Petroleum like speech recognition software?

British Petroleum can also wreck a nice beach.

After Marie Antoinette said “Let them eat cake,” French protesters responded with “Hey hey, ho ho, Marie-Antoinette has gateau go!”

The Frenchman broke his bones. Os snap!

I hate people who speak in sentence fragments. They are so phrasist.

Which reptile always says hello?

The salaamander.

Most newspaper editors have typo-negative blood.

A Frenchman would have you believe his farts smell sweeter. I’ve been to Paris and can tell you, this is a beau gas claim.

Metoonym: aka a trendy buzzword.

The Chinese translation of a word is its sinonym.

“Hithee hither!”: proof that Michael Jackson’s “Beat it”, when translated into Olde English, is a recipe for indiscriminate violence against both sexes.

NED: People who can’t speak French disgust me.
ED: Really.
NED: Those dirty mot-fauxs…

New Valentine’s Day Pun Request just filled!

Reckless boating in Germany is not allowed. It’s veer-boaten. As for driving, you might get autobanned.

There are holes in France. Trou story.

Do leafy vegetables give you gas?

Yes, to misquote the Latin proverb, arsest celery fart ‘em.

Is it true that in Saudi Arabia, a woman can be thrown in jail, just for saying hello?

Yes, they’ll end up in the salaamer.

The authorities lifted the restrictions on chariots, and gave the people cart blanche to drive whatever they wanted. Everyone quickly jumped on the banned wagons.

Are the French known to waffle on their decisions?

No, they just gaufre it!

In France, priests don’t drink milk. It must be because they’re not lait people.

Communicating with the deaf is easier than learning Chinese, just ask a Signologist.

NED: Will you help me pass my French exam?
ED: Sure, no problem at all.
NED: Oh thank you. I am full of grad etude!

The French don’t like eating raw fish - they’re afraid of food poissoning.

As scholars of dead languages, we want to have archaic and eat it too.

The man who didn’t use punchewuation ate his words. He was comma the earth.

The lexicographers were involved in an acronymonious divorce.

What’s the international language of single people?

Desperanto.

With thunderous applause the fans welcomed the recently-acquired shortstop Muhammad Mustafa-Aziz for his first ever plate appearance. Mustafa-Aziz enthusiastically responded to the crowd’s ovation with a grand salaam.

Portobello mushrooms in the morning is a breakfast of champignons!

NED: Hear about the Greek mafia?
ED: Yeah - they always threaten to put a kappa in my ass!
NED: Didn’t they murder a bunch of Newfoundlanders?
ED: No - that was the psychotic Greek fraternity, Kappa Nu Phi.
NED: What about that strange fraternity located along the Nile river, it was called Chi Rho Delta, that now wants to open a bake shop.
ED: You mean Nu Pi Delta. Once I Eta Pithere - it was too expensive and now I Omega. But it was a big dessert. I Eta Omega Pi!
NED: Well I’m getting a little tired of Nu Pi Delta, as is their sister sorority.
ED: Xi Xi Xi?
NED: That’s right. And what about the fraternity for Esperanto lovers - Nu Alpha Beta.
ED: Or that sorority for fashionable fat ladies: Nu Mu Mu. My poodle got eaten there!
NED: I thought that was Eta Phi-Phi.
ED: And to get revenge on those ladies I borrowed a semiautomatic weapon. But I lost it and now it has to be replaced.
NED: Iota Nu Xi can help you with that.
ED: What about penis enlargement?
NED: Try Psi Xi Omega.
ED: Did you know dragon boat lovers are meeting at Rho Rho Rho?
NED: That’s nothing. The pranksters at Tau Rho Mu stack cows one atop the other!
ED: Funny, I had a beef patty the other day.
NED: At Eta Mu Pi?
ED: Yes. Say - did you hear about that kinky lesbian sorority. Legend has it Michael Douglas’ wife and Delta Burke had a fling there.
NED: You mean Delta Eta Zeta?
ED: Yes.

NED: I don’t trust people who talk about staining wood.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because - they are say-tannic.

Driving schools in Britain are very stringent. Truck drivers for example must have a back-a-lorry-up degree.

If your child has no father, you must go to France and hire a no-pere.

Hear about the Spanish cop who got a GPS tracker for Christmas, but it turned out to be faulty?

Police navi-dud!

There are no good German mathematicians, because in Germany, nein = zero.

If you’re good at speaking French you can parlez that into a good job.

I once hung out on a street corner in France. I rued the day.

NED: I lost my French grammar exercise book
ED: Yippee cahiers.

Which linguist is a midget-eating cannibal?

Gnome Chompsky.

Is it very fun when a Frenchman tells you to pronounce the words ‘ink’, then ‘Roy’, then ‘apple’?

Indeed - say ink Roy apple!

How does a deaf man tell you about his broken heart?

Sighin’ language.

I committed a crime during Oktoberfest, and my friend ratted on me to the cops. Man, what a schnitz.

Why do the Gents love a ‘chocolate mousse’ pun?

Because they are French and orignal.

When Napoleon came to New England, it was quite the spectacle; the people were so excited that they would pay admission even to watch him break wind! In Bangor in particular, the French Emperor’s farting was considered the Maine vent.

How do you hunt down a cunning linguist?

With a semioterotomatic rifle!

What do French cannibals eat for breakfast?

Hommelettes!