Best of @pungents #bookswithonelettermissing

True story: Oedipus‘ mom was diagnosed with Porkin’ sons.

Cervantes was a great speechmaker, but his greatest of all was Don Keynote.

Dear Pun Gents, we are holding a charity book event on Friday and need ideas for table names. We are naming each table with a pun on an author name e.g. The Wilde Things. Do you have any suggestions? ~Anne, Romsey, Hampshire, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Rowling Stomachs
2. The Shaw Mens
3. ReJoycers
4. The Toyl Stoydiers
5. Woolf Men
6. Apostles of Christie
7. The RacKoontz
8. Fine Yong Cannibals
9. Scarry Faces
10. Barbie Dahls

If Sherlock Holmes was featured in a kids’ book would it have been ‘The Man in the Hat’ by Dr. Sleuth?

My dog wrote a novel. Unfortunately, it was terrible. The plot was so arf-fetched.

After Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger’s writing career stayed in a Holden pattern. And he would never field any cauls.

When I saw a wicker furniture outlet in Copenhagen, I knew there was something ratan in the state of Denmark.

I’m having a Lord of the Rings dinner party! We’re having Hamwise-Sandwichees, with a side of Frodo salad, followed by frog Legolas and Aragorn on the cob. Dessert will be a bowl of mango Saruman and a vodka Gimli.

Some children’s books are awful. Whinny the Poo was complete horse shit.

Thoreau bred horses.

Shakespeare tried to get into acting school, but he was bard.

NED: In Shakepeare’s Merchant of Venison, Shylock offers to sell Antonio a pound of flesh.
ED: Oh deer.

Nietzsche joined Facebook, and Thus Poked Zarathustra.

The dyslexic enjoyed eating the Da Vinci Code, because he heard there was a lot of roughage in Bran Down novels.

Which Harry Potter character divorced his wife? Hag rid.

He may have written ‘Kill all the lawyers,’ but any lawyers who mock Shakespeare are dis’ bard.

When the rain fell on our heads it was like glorious piss. So I quoted Shakespeare, saying “The sky is a most excellent can o’ pee.”

When Hermione reached puberty, all the kids at Hogwarts called her Hairy Pooter.

Most people can’t write poetry. They should leave it to the prose.

Is Salman Rushdie against sheep?

Perhaps. Some say he is lambophobic.

I stopped gambling after reading John Milton’s Pair o Dice Lost.

Heather Reisman’s monopoly on the Canadian book market fills me with !ndigo-nation!

Rowan Atkinson refuses to do nude scenes, due to insecurity over his pale complexion. He wrote about it, in fact: The Unbareable Whiteness of Bean.

Was Thoreau a hermit?

Well he did have a Walden existence.

Trekkers love poetry - especially hikeus.

When Sherlock saw the disemboweled murder victim’s coiled intestines, he said to Watson, “Alimentary, my dear.”

NED: I refuse to write poetry about pigs’ knees.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: It’s against my religion. I don’t do pigs’ knees. Is that controversial?
ED: Well, you sure have a hardline stanza on a boar shin!

To some, marijuana is precious. They think it should be Smeagolized.

Prison novels have their prose and cons.

What do pickpockets and political writers have in common?

One is pursecuted, the other is prose-cuted.

Japanese poetry is dirty. Especially when my girlfriend haikus up her skirt.

Alternate title for Homer’s Iliad?

Of Mycenaean Men.

There’s a new upscale periodical for fashionable, flatulent men. It’s called Ass choir Magazine.

Some hobbits have both sex organs, ie the hermafrododites. They don’t need to bother with plastic bilbos.

Charles Dickens was quite moved after witnessing the foul, unhygienic conditions of the English workers. One time he saw a man spitting phlegm down a sewer, and was so disgusted that he wrote a novel about it: Grate Expectorations.

Jane Austen was a fan of online enumeration. Just look at her book, Census and Sensible-IT.

George Eliot’s parents knew she would be a novelist. Because as a child, she was a tomeboy.

In his college days, Einstein had a psychedelic dream about hobbits being struck by lightning. He awoke and proclaimed to the world this discovery - of the Frodo-electric effect.

Which famous playwright made fruit smoothies?

Shakes pear.

Was Paris of Troy known for cruelty toward animals?

Yes - when he took a shot at Achilles’ seal.

Holmes and Watson went to a vegan restaurant that served only tree dishes. Watson asked Holmes how he would order. Sherlock replied “Elm entree, my dear.”

Which of Salman Rushdie’s wife’s accessories prompted a fatwa?

Her satanic purses.

Why was Detective Twain encouraged after visiting the forensics lab in the case of The Bubblegum Murders?

Because he had the prints - and he’d soon have the popper.

How did Ayn Rand describe her husband when he traded his fedora for a toupee?

“Hatless, rugged.”