NED: I cut my leg. It’s bleeding.
ED: Quick, get a bandage.
NED: I can’t. I don’t believe in gauze.
ED: Huh?
NED: It’s true. I am ragnostic.

NED: I would like to rent some stripper equipment.
ED: Just call the pole lease!

NED: I heard your new flatmate is made of Jello?
ED: What? That’s ridiculous!
NED: Really.
ED: Those are just viscous roomers!

NED: I don’t get along with bakers.
ED: Really.
NED: Let’s just say, there’s no loaf lost between us.

NED: A dog clawed at my anus!
ED: Oh no.
NED: Now I have an injured paws terrier.

NED: Eating yogurt gives me pornographic hallucinations.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah. I think it’s the acidophallus.

NED: People who can’t speak French disgust me.
ED: Really.
NED: Those dirty mot-fauxs…

New Valentine’s Day Pun Request just filled!

NED: Hear about the mafioso loan shark who killed the Swede?
ED: Really? He must have had a Sven debtor!

NED: I just ate at a really expensive pancake place…
ED: Was it too much money?
NED: Absolutely. It was ugly, just a crepe and billage!

NED: I’ll never make a pun about sheep incest
ED: C’mon, just lamb poon them a little bit…
NED: There you go again, pressing my muttons!

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!
ED: Really?! Are you guilty?
NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.
ED: Are you saying you didn’t do it on porpoise?

NED: Why would Castro enjoy a breakfast of poached eggs with hollandaise sauce and a side of potatoes?
ED: I dunno, why?
NED: ‘Cuz, he’s benedict tater!

NED: I’ve figured out a way to generate electricity—from sheep farts!
ED: Really? I never thought it could be done.
NED: Ass watt ewe stink!

NED: I have a foot fetish!
ED: Huh?
NED: Just call me Toe bias!

NED: My arms and legs are bubbling over!
ED: Huh?
NED: It’s true, I have limb-foama!

NED: Someone stole rosemary from my garden!
ED: Really?
NED: Yes - I feel quite dissed herbed!

NED: “When I went to France I pissed away all my Euros!”
ED: “Why did you do that?”
NED: “Well, I was in-continent!”
ED: “So you’re a-peein’?”
NED: “Yes, and it’s painful!”

NED: I thought I saw a walrus on the beach!
ED: Nah, that was just a seal lyin’.

NED: Hear about my friend Stan, who had his penis cut off by his wife?
ED: Really! She must have been sent to prison.
NED: No, I’m afraid she was let off.
ED: Really. Why?
NED: Because - the judge ruled there was only circumcise-Stan-genital evidence!

NED: Did you hear, I’ve become a Scientologist?
ED: No way. You’re nuts.
NED: I really did. It’s Xenu-ist craze!
ED: Well I don’t believe in that nonsense.
NED: Bah. Get behind me, Thetan!

NED: I can communicate with fish in distant oceans!
ED: Really?
NED: Yes.
ED: Why, you must be tilapiapathic!
NED: Yup - I just flex my mental mussels and tuna out distractions!

NED: What’s a river rodent’s favourite TV show?
ED: Leave it to Beaver?
NED: No, Welcome Back Otter!

NED: Do you blog?
ED: No.
NED: Really, I thought you did.
ED: Well, I do keep a diarrhea, but only on Splatterdays.

NED: I’d like to form a lynch mob.
ED: I dunno, that’s pretty extreme.
NED: Just think of the posse abilities…

NED: Sorry there was no joke online this morning.
ED: What happened?
NED: My connection was all tied up…
ED: Really?
NED: It’s the Interknot!

NED: What can I do if someone tries to stick a pacifier up my butt?
ED: Take legal action - soother ass!

NED: Did you know that arthropods have hard shells made out of glucose?
ED: No way! You’ve gotta be chitin me!

NED: I won’t tolerate potty talk.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because, it’s looed!
ED: You seem quite johndiced! You’re flush with rage.
NED: I have toilet you know this.
ED: Don’t be a pooer sport.
NED: Oh, now urine for it!

NED: Will you help me pass my French exam?
ED: Sure, no problem at all.
NED: Oh thank you. I am full of grad etude!

NED: I think all radios are sexist.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: Because, I AM/FM-inist!

NED: Can I borrow your zombie?
ED: Of course.
NED: Thanks. I’m forever in your dead!

NED: Why are the inheritors of writing instrument empire fortunes always from the middle east?
ED: Because they’re heir ‘o Bic.

NED: Does Ontario have electile dysfunction?
ED: If they do, it’s because political support is softening.

NED: If I grab your ass in a bar, it’s not my fault.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: Because I suffer from copaphilia!

NED: Why do so many Italians become ministers?
ED: Because they love pastor!

NED: How was your trip to the farm?
ED: Very bizarre!
NED: Why’s that?
ED: Well, I never thought I’d see a wasp screwing a bull, butt lowin’ bee-hole - there it was!

NED: I dropped my jar of strawberry jam. It landed on the floor!
ED: Oh no.
NED: Now it’s busted. I wasn’t ex-pectin that.

NED: I refuse to write poetry about pigs’ knees.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: It’s against my religion. I don’t do pigs’ knees. Is that controversial?
ED: Well, you sure have a hardline stanza on a boar shin!

NED: I’ve lost the ability to post in my online journal.
ED: What’s that?
NED: Writer’s blog!

NED: I have an irrational fear that Santa will get tossed from his sleigh.
ED: What’s that?
NED: Claustrewphobia!

NED: The Gaza conflict troubles me.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: I don’t know, but it affects Mahmoud.

NED: I don’t take a lichen to flammable loam.
ED: What the hell are you talking about.
NED: Well - it just doesn’t pass the lit moss test!
ED: Stupidest pun ever.
NED: Was it too grass for you?

NED: What TV show would you like to watch. Maybe, Family Ties?
ED: Well, not if I had my ‘Yothers…

NED: Who loaded the printer with the wrong-sized paper?
ED: I did.
NED: That’s dumb. Why’d you do it?
ED: April foolscap!

NED: You know, I’m friends with some of the fattest people alive.
ED: Well, bless your good fourchin!

NED: Some people are ‘turned on’ by the strangest things.
ED: Really, how’s that?
NED: Well, when I stick my hand up a cow , I feel in the mooed.

NED: I guess I’m a pretty poor sport.
ED: Really, how’s that?
NED: Well, when the coach refuses to play me, I scream like a benchee!

NED: Did you just touch my ass?
ED: Sure did.
NED: You’re a pervert.
ED: Just call me butter cup!

NED: Ouch!
ED: What?
NED: You! Why’d you just prick me with that pushpin?
ED: Sorry. It seems you were in my zone of a tack.