NED: Who loaded the printer with the wrong-sized paper?
ED: I did.
NED: That’s dumb. Why’d you do it?
ED: April foolscap!

NED: You know, I’m friends with some of the fattest people alive.
ED: Well, bless your good fourchin!

NED: Some people are ‘turned on’ by the strangest things.
ED: Really, how’s that?
NED: Well, when I stick my hand up a cow , I feel in the mooed.

NED: I guess I’m a pretty poor sport.
ED: Really, how’s that?
NED: Well, when the coach refuses to play me, I scream like a benchee!

NED: Did you just touch my ass?
ED: Sure did.
NED: You’re a pervert.
ED: Just call me butter cup!

NED: Ouch!
ED: What?
NED: You! Why’d you just prick me with that pushpin?
ED: Sorry. It seems you were in my zone of a tack.

NED: I have a knocker on my house door.
ED: Really. You have a knocker.
NED: Does that impress you?
ED: Yes. You deserve the No Bell prize.

NED: I don’t believe that Native Indians were able to use every single part of the caribou…
ED: Hey, what exactly are you Inuit-sinewating?

NED: Being a cremator is a lucrative business.
ED: How’s that?
NED: You urn a lot!

NED: Hear about the Greek mafia?
ED: Yeah - they always threaten to put a kappa in my ass!
NED: Didn’t they murder a bunch of Newfoundlanders?
ED: No - that was the psychotic Greek fraternity, Kappa Nu Phi.
NED: What about that strange fraternity located along the Nile river, it was called Chi Rho Delta, that now wants to open a bake shop.
ED: You mean Nu Pi Delta. Once I Eta Pithere - it was too expensive and now I Omega. But it was a big dessert. I Eta Omega Pi!
NED: Well I’m getting a little tired of Nu Pi Delta, as is their sister sorority.
ED: Xi Xi Xi?
NED: That’s right. And what about the fraternity for Esperanto lovers - Nu Alpha Beta.
ED: Or that sorority for fashionable fat ladies: Nu Mu Mu. My poodle got eaten there!
NED: I thought that was Eta Phi-Phi.
ED: And to get revenge on those ladies I borrowed a semiautomatic weapon. But I lost it and now it has to be replaced.
NED: Iota Nu Xi can help you with that.
ED: What about penis enlargement?
NED: Try Psi Xi Omega.
ED: Did you know dragon boat lovers are meeting at Rho Rho Rho?
NED: That’s nothing. The pranksters at Tau Rho Mu stack cows one atop the other!
ED: Funny, I had a beef patty the other day.
NED: At Eta Mu Pi?
ED: Yes. Say - did you hear about that kinky lesbian sorority. Legend has it Michael Douglas’ wife and Delta Burke had a fling there.
NED: You mean Delta Eta Zeta?
ED: Yes.

NED: I’ve got a shameful scientific confession.
ED: What’s that?
NED: Well, I’ve been dabbling in…
ED: What is it?
NED: Well, it’s reverse-life-cycle cloning…
ED: What??
NED: Yes. Reverse-life-cycle cloning. I can’t bear the guilt any more…
ED: For god’s sake, man - get an old of yourself!

NED: I don’t trust people who talk about staining wood.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because - they are say-tannic.

NED: I just farted on you!
ED: Why, you cretin - I am a gassed!

NED: So this fish crapped on me the other day…
ED: Really? What a bassturd!

NED: Will Schwarzenegger be re-elected in California?
ED: Yes - he’s the two-terminator

NED: I’m hooked on bird puns!
ED: Oh no
NED: I’m a heron addict - a total loon.
ED: Oh no!
NED: I’m thinking of sticking up a bank, and holding everyone ostrich!

NED: I believe Homeland Security depends on two things:
ED: What’s that?
NED: First, honouring our sheep, and second, constipating our pigeons.
ED: Really?
NED: Yes! Everyone knows that ewe-knighted we stand, while dove-voided we fall.

NED: Joe Malignant is no longer my friend.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because - he’s always spreading tumours about me!

NED: What’s the proper term for sculpting a midget?
ED: You mean, what’s the gnome-in-clay-ture?

NED: They kidnapped my flightless bird!
ED: Oh no…
NED: Yes - and they’re holding him ostrich!

NED: I just got kicked in the nuts…
ED: Oh no - that’s pistachiownage!

NED: My lawyer works for me, pro bono…
ED: Really!? Why, that’s fee-nominal!

NED: Remember that goodlooking amputee from last night?
ED: Yeah - she really cauterize!

NED: I lost my French grammar exercise book
ED: Yippee cahiers.

NED: Did you hear the pun about the sick bird?
ED: No…
NED: Well I can’t tell you.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because - it’s ill eagle.

NED: Who’s yo daddy?
ED: Huh?
NED: I said - who’s yo daddy?
ED: Funny, I thought it was a parent…

NED: Hear about my rich friend, Herb?
ED: No…
NED: He’s a cilantropist!

NED: I saw a guy shove his foot up his nose.
ED: That’s disgusting. Let’s get off the toepic…

NED: Did the Secretary of State buy a new car?
ED: Who - HondaLeasa Rice?

NED: You should avoid visiting the Handcuff Museum.
ED: Why?
NED: Cuz - it’s a two-wrist trap.

NED: Hear about the cock-fight at the Mexican bar?
ED: No…
NED: They were drinking penis-collideas!

NED: I got into an argument with a midget today.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah, we just didn’t see thigh-to-eye.

NED: I saw Benedict kneeling over.
ED: Is he OK?
NED: Yeah he’s just praying. Don’t worry, everything’s pope-ascetic.

NED: All my pimples are named ‘Benedict XVI’…
ED: Hmm, I don’t know. You shouldn’t pope your zits.

NED: Was it was strange working beside the woman who had poseable breasts?
ED: Yes - it was quite the jugs-to-position!

NED: Why don’t you like the official web sites for any cities in France?
ED: Because - they’re the epitome of e-ville.

NED: Did the poet really jump out a building and kill himself on the concrete?
ED: Oh no - that was a met-a-floor.

ED: Do you like this abstract painting?
NED: No. Modern art makes me want to regurgiTate.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah, it Turners my stomach.
ED: Oh my.
NED: If you’ll excuse me - now I have to get up Van Gogh to the bathroom!

NED: You know, it’s really a crime to let untreated steel get wet.
ED: Really, that’s fascinating…
NED: Yes - once I was involved in a hit-and-run oxidant, and it led to my arrust.

NED: Have you heard it through the grape vine?
ED: No, I don’t keep up with currant events.
NED: C’mon, you should be raisin your awareness!
ED: Hey - quit winin‘!
NED: I’m just trying to give you a lil’ viticulture…
ED: Aw, put a cork in it.

NED: Would you sleep with one of your relatives?
ED: Only if I had a nap kin.

NED: Do pigeons make a lot of noise?
ED: Don’t ask me - I haven’t got a coo!

NED: Are you going to the fumigation convention?
ED: Yeah, I picked up a couple ticks!