Chimneys make Santa Claustrophobic.

I build snowmen in my sleep. I suffer from snowmanbulism.

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Forecasts of bad weather make farmers bipolar. They’re almanac depressive.

Are bulimics all bile lingual?

All the self-mutilators live in Qatar.

How do you surgically remove bad memories?

Get a happendectomy.

There is one TV psychologist who is a compulsive over-eater. They call him Doctor Fill My Craw.

I stopped gambling after reading John Milton’s Pair o Dice Lost.

My greatest sphere is that the Earth is round.

Did you hear about the dyslexic gambler who was addicted to Jack Black movies?

NED: If I grab your ass in a bar, it’s not my fault.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: Because I suffer from copaphilia!

People who keep repeating themselves are sick. They’re ill iterate.

I was told to watch what I eat, so I swallowed my timepiece. My friends thought I was crazy and recommended I undergo Seiko-anal-lysis. But I wasn’t just going to shit on my hands and wait for time to pass.

The fear of footnotes: aka appendix-cite-is.

Internet addiction is a big problem in E-stonia.

People who dislike comedy clubs suffer from skits-refrainia.

NED: I have an irrational fear that Santa will get tossed from his sleigh.
ED: What’s that?
NED: Claustrewphobia!

Little known fact: the Mongol dictator had a stuttering problem. They called him Again-ghis Khan.

Some ‘little people’ like to go on ‘power trips’. They’re mega low maniacs.

The two clean freaks had a sorted relationship.

I don’t like cheap pens. I’m fauxbic.

A newfound cure for depression is esteem bath.

Although they are annoying, don’t swat away the pigeons. They might get depressed, and commit shoo-aside.

I wish I could meat a nice anorexic girl. I recently tried dating someone who is bulimic. But she always wanted to fight. So I said “Ok - throw em up!”

Is someone who stomps on your foot a clap-toe-maniac?

Stressed out? Consider hiring a dromedary - they have a very cameling effect.

Hear about the dyslexic man who would eat too much dessert, then immediately go play at the lanes?

He suffered from pie-bowler disorder.

What’s the birthstone of the chronically suicidal?

Ruby.

During work stoppages on the great Egyptian canal, the workers grew Suez-idle.

Do sailors have to take courses in anchor management?

After a heavy bookcase fell on him, the wounded soldier was never the same. It was a sad case of shelf-shock.

There was an orphan boy who developed a peculiar phobia some time after his parents died: It seems the lad would go into absolute hysterics whenever he saw - get this - a group of musicians chewing fresh wintergreen sprigs!

Psychaitrists were called in, but to no avail: the docs could only explain the boy’s behaviour as a fear of a band on mint.

Hear about the man who was forced to go to psychaitrist after starving his pet cat?

He had a Feed-a-puss complex!

The crazy man who boasted about his second penis must have had delusions of glandeur.

What a nice, genial voyeur I met the other day. I mean, he was good peephole!

What is the best tool for treating ADD?

A short attention spanner.