It’s the end of the colander. Have funnel on new year’s sieve.

Macchu Picchu: Where face-recognition technology was developed.

When I pass the sugar, I do it violently. My nickname is the Hurry Cane.

Boo-merang: when you angrily send back your pie.

Those who feed coffee liqueurs to chickens and then bang them with a gong are part of a nefarious secret society: the Kahlua Clucks Clang.

I love turning on fans. It gives me vent elation.

Being disobeyed by a subordinate is embarrassing enough. But when someone repeatedly disobeys orders I feel more defied.

Buy a winnebagel. You have muffin to lose. People might think you’re cookie, but donut listen.

I swallowed a dictionary. You can quote me on that, verb ate em.

I’m so suggestive, I quit college after some drunk guy told me to “dropped ed.”

Do mice have their own eek! onomy?

Those who say they can’t stop don’t really know what’s pause-able.

Gum is great! I chews to follow the mastical sciences, and worship Jawhovah. I attend Sunday masseter, biting my time for eternal Salivation.

I sat naked on a bucket of frozen water, after someone suggested I run for moon icy pail government.

Never practice! Anybody who practices anything is guilty of grows in competence.

Somebody offered me free coffee. I said, ‘Wow, that’s like winning the lattéry!’

Speak no more than necessary. To do otherwise is just sylly.

When it comes to spreadsheets, I pull no punches. I column as I see em.

If you’re operating a float plane in the bush, bring a flies water.

The man who hated fake politeness was so renowned, when he died they preserved him in formality hide.

A lot of volcano eruptions are caused by grubs. It must be all the moultin’ larvae.

Barbershop quartets sing a capella. But In Africa, berbershop quartets sing a cape buffalo.

Hot sauna in the highest, in excess celsius day-o!

I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ.

Lufthansa: the German company for people who ask questions in public.

Did Art Linkletter invent cursive writing?

Do people in castles suffer from Turrets Syndrome?

Would a flower-powered car run on vase-oline?

My imagine hairy friend was quite hirsute.

You need help moving? We’ll help. Just haul ‘er!

If you travel to an economically depressed country, be sure that you speak the languish!

People who don’t trim their hedges also don’t trim their flowers. They’re so lack a daisy cull.

Women’s hormones promote the enslavement of clowns. It’s all that pro jester own.

I went duck hunting in a swamp. What a quackmire!

Raft manufacturers are always floating convention.

Dangerous sneezes occur unpredictably. To insure against them, consult an atchoo-ary.

Smiling can be difficult. It involves rearranging your basic frowndations.

I chewed too much tobacco so I switched to sore gum.

Poor typists are rather un qwerty nated.

Welcome to oh-nein,  the year of the nihilist!

People with bad handwriting are actually more intelligent. They tend to be very no legible.

The noisiest body of water is not a rushing rapid, but a plain old creek.

How do you open a champagne bottle?

Brut force.

What happens when you take out people’s eyes?

They cull eyed.

People who forget to replace light bulbs are rather dim-watted.

We wanted to make today’s pun about huit, but we 8 too much!

Are mannaquins bread for show?

Maybe, but manna-kins are all breadthren. (Nevetheless, it’s idollatry.)

Cheerleading spectacles are a lot of pom and circumstance.