The man who hated fake politeness was so renowned, when he died they preserved him in formality hide.

A lot of volcano eruptions are caused by grubs. It must be all the moultin’ larvae.

Barbershop quartets sing a capella. But In Africa, berbershop quartets sing a cape buffalo.

Hot sauna in the highest, in excess celsius day-o!

I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ.

Lufthansa: the German company for people who ask questions in public.

Did Art Linkletter invent cursive writing?

Do people in castles suffer from Turrets Syndrome?

Would a flower-powered car run on vase-oline?

My imagine hairy friend was quite hirsute.

You need help moving? We’ll help. Just haul ‘er!

If you travel to an economically depressed country, be sure that you speak the languish!

People who don’t trim their hedges also don’t trim their flowers. They’re so lack a daisy cull.

Women’s hormones promote the enslavement of clowns. It’s all that pro jester own.

I went duck hunting in a swamp. What a quackmire!

Raft manufacturers are always floating convention.

Dangerous sneezes occur unpredictably. To insure against them, consult an atchoo-ary.

Smiling can be difficult. It involves rearranging your basic frowndations.

I chewed too much tobacco so I switched to sore gum.

Poor typists are rather un qwerty nated.

Welcome to oh-nein,  the year of the nihilist!

People with bad handwriting are actually more intelligent. They tend to be very no legible.

The noisiest body of water is not a rushing rapid, but a plain old creek.

How do you open a champagne bottle?

Brut force.

What happens when you take out people’s eyes?

They cull eyed.

People who forget to replace light bulbs are rather dim-watted.

We wanted to make today’s pun about huit, but we 8 too much!

Are mannaquins bread for show?

Maybe, but manna-kins are all breadthren. (Nevetheless, it’s idollatry.)

Cheerleading spectacles are a lot of pom and circumstance.

I like to stand in lineups, looking at the queued girls.

I don’t mind lazy people. They speak my languid. So I am sloth to criticize.

Don’t knock lazy people. They are the most into-resting.

Window shopping may be fun, but shopping for windows is panes taking work.

The pothole problem is getting crater and crater.

I always lose track of time - on Whensday.

The bumbling mattress thief was cot unawares. He was in deep sheet. He sought comforter by downy some pillows. He refused to take responsibility for his actions; he tried to pass the boxspring. “Put your hammocks up in the air,” the police shouted, “resistance is futon.”

How did the illiterate tyrant sign his name?

‘X marks despot.’

Where does a German farmer keep his animal feed?

In the Barn Munch-hausen!

Why did the rich man run screaming from the luxury hotel?

Because - he was afraid of Hyatts!

Why do those with big noses like making out with their supervisors?

Because - they’re pro-boss-kiss!

During the government enumeration process, there was an old woman who kept handing out pie. She said, “It’s a treat for the census!”

Manhole covers sewer are grate!

Discarded animal entrails smell absolutely offal.

The story about the winged creatures was ok, but at one point it became quite ridiculous. When the storyteller got to the part where a bird ate a bunch of sausages, I knew it had taken a tern for the wurst.

Is the goddess of wisdom against all we stand for?

Yes, she’s an athena.

Was Picasso into wedgies?

Is it true that those who polish their own wood never catch veneereal disease?

How do you brooch the subject?

Stick a pin in their I!

Why should you never let a large computer file taste your sandwich?

Because it would take a thousand mega-bites!