Dear Pun Gents, I’m looking for a bowling team name for a party where my girlfriend is turning 50. ~Mel, Del Rio, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. We’re Never Splitting
2. No Spare Tires
3. Lane With You
4. 10 Pins, 50 Candles
5. Strike ManDate
6. The Pinishers
7. Pin it to Win it
8. Thanks for your donation, Mel!

My girlfriend had feet where there should have been nipples. Just thinking about her makes me hungry for TosTitos.

I would never date a Japanese dentist enamel yen years.

Dear Pun Gents, I want a nice pun to put in my cousin’s guest book at her wedding. ~Ellen, Ballycastle, N. Ireland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. This evening: open bar. Tonight: open bra!
2. I guess it was the law of cousin affect.
3. You really vowed the crowd.
4. Set the lovin to high.

My friend is a fighter pilot, and he’s into mach-making.  He can introduce you to several G’s.

Sick of hanging out with his aunt’s kids at family reunions, Newton went off and formulated the law of cousin affect.

Dear Pun Gents, I just started my own matchmaking business and have been offered a five-minute slot on a South African radio station. The slot is called Pun Review. I need to tell people about dating, matchmaking, the first date, etc, and I need to use as many clever puns as I can. Please help!! ~Bonita, Johannesburg

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Our service is a model of a fish-in-the-sea.
2. Looking to get lady?
3. You pick up chicks or we pick up the cheque.
4. Did somebody sneeze? Match-You!

How does a farmer pick up women?

“Wanna ride on my barley? Let’s combine.”

They know how to a tractor!

The damsel in distress rejected the gallant knight. She was out of his liege.

Do Ms. Minelli’s ex-husbands all get together and play Liza tag?

Whirled Cup is what happens when my wife gets mad at me.

Never date a downhill skier. You’ll end up with slopey seconds.

Dear Pun Gents, I am writing a blog about the crazy things my husband Justin says and does and I am looking for a punny title.  Any ideas? ~Tobie, Winnipeg, MB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. This Just In…
2. Un Just Pun-ishment
3. The Status Quote
4. Hear Say

Dear Pun Gents, something about Valentine’s day like “bee mine” with a bee or “sweet on you” with candy or “nuts about you” with a peanut that i could put on a card. ~Samantha, New Britain, CT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. It was two heart to get you a present.
2. For our V-day dinner, set the lovin’ to ‘high’
3. And you thought I never card about you.
4. I baked you something special. Cuz all you knead is loaf.
5. Let’s have a hearty dinner
6. You and Me = A VD I got from Dupree

Dear Pun Gents, I have a picture of my mom wearing a turkey hat. I would like a pun that describes her life, but has to do with turkeys. ~Harrison, North Brunswick

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. She wattles when she walks.
2. She’s got the right stuffing!
3. She always listened to Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker
4. She was blessed by Gobble Almighty!

I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ.

Tiger Woods’ career has philandered.

My wife is turned on by men with yachts. So I bought one. I guess turn a boat is foreplay.

Just before getting married, women may ask their fiancés to get a preen-up.

Nuclear holocaust: when your family confronts you in an auditorium.

All eyes are on Tiger’s wood. It’s affair way to heaven to marry a celebrity, but I wouldn’t take him back for alimony in the world.

I resent my parents’ constant suggestions. They make me feel like should.

Would you call a love doctor a Romeopath?

Divorce really de-vow-ues marriage.

When my girlfriend stepped on a landmine, she became my maim squeeze.

Getting ‘cold feet’ at your wedding is a medical illness, aka groomatism.

My spouse is addicted to the internet. She needs her daily wife-high.

My relatives tend to be thin except for my distend cousins.

Is it true women like men who yawn?

No actually. Sighs don’t matter.

When the B-52 bomber pilot got divorced, he had to pay loads.

Lactating women should avoid breast implants, especially if they are married. They already have significant udders.

William Tell shot his son in the skull. What a bow-in-head maneuver! It made him quiver. After Tell had an unmistakable arrow tragedy around him. And he spoke with a twang.

Fathers who scream at their kids are increasing in popululation.

Serial divorcee Larry King’s philandering lifestyle has finally been ex-spoused.

I’m being set up with this girl who really loves the metric system. I can’t wait to metre!

My mother-in-law got her mammaries replaced by suction cups. Now whenever she leans in for a kiss, I get ma stuck to me.

My girlfriend was crying. I tried to dry her tears by blowing on them. It gave me a case of blew bawls.

My friend warned me about getting into a love triangle with acute guy. She said “What’s his angle? He seems really shallow, and something about him just isn’t right.” She told me to stop being obtuse. “When I first looked at him isosceles written all over him,” she said. Turns out she was right: I’m no longer scalene the heights of love. I need to do a complete 180.

How potheads propose:

“Marriage… u wanna?”

Searching for an older woman?

Just Cougle it!

All married men have been sentenced to wife.

The lexicographers were involved in an acronymonious divorce.

Why is the Maytag man so lonely?

His wife is fridged.

What’s the international language of single people?

Desperanto.

I wish I could meat a nice anorexic girl. I recently tried dating someone who is bulimic. But she always wanted to fight. So I said “Ok - throw em up!”

Is it true that Scientology books can help you bed women?

Yes- Hubbard in the hand is worth two in the bush!

Lorena Bobbitt proved that the penis not mightier than the sword.… her favourite Bryan Adams song is ‘Cuts like a wife‘… The Bobbitts got divorced - John is currently unattached… When the gym cut off his membership, he kept trying to rejoin… (sorry)

The unemployed man was married to a woman who was never satisfied. When he finally got a job, she was irate nonetheless. “Now,” she said, “you are home less!”

David Duchovny couldn’t get over his old girlfriend. He was an ex-phile.