Dear Pun Gents, something about Valentine’s day like “bee mine” with a bee or “sweet on you” with candy or “nuts about you” with a peanut that i could put on a card. ~Samantha, New Britain, CT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. It was two heart to get you a present.
2. For our V-day dinner, set the lovin’ to ‘high’
3. And you thought I never card about you.
4. I baked you something special. Cuz all you knead is loaf.
5. Let’s have a hearty dinner
6. You and Me = A VD I got from Dupree

Dear Pun Gents, I have a picture of my mom wearing a turkey hat. I would like a pun that describes her life, but has to do with turkeys. ~Harrison, North Brunswick

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. She wattles when she walks.
2. She’s got the right stuffing!
3. She always listened to Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker
4. She was blessed by Gobble Almighty!

I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ.

Tiger Woods’ career has philandered.

My wife is turned on by men with yachts. So I bought one. I guess turn a boat is foreplay.

Just before getting married, women may ask their fiancés to get a preen-up.

Nuclear holocaust: when your family confronts you in an auditorium.

All eyes are on Tiger’s wood. It’s affair way to heaven to marry a celebrity, but I wouldn’t take him back for alimony in the world.

I resent my parents’ constant suggestions. They make me feel like should.

Would you call a love doctor a Romeopath?

Divorce really de-vow-ues marriage.

When my girlfriend stepped on a landmine, she became my maim squeeze.

Getting ‘cold feet’ at your wedding is a medical illness, aka groomatism.

My spouse is addicted to the internet. She needs her daily wife-high.

My relatives tend to be thin except for my distend cousins.

Is it true women like men who yawn?

No actually. Sighs don’t matter.

When the B-52 bomber pilot got divorced, he had to pay loads.

Lactating women should avoid breast implants, especially if they are married. They already have significant udders.

William Tell shot his son in the skull. What a bow-in-head maneuver! It made him quiver. After Tell had an unmistakable arrow tragedy around him. And he spoke with a twang.

Fathers who scream at their kids are increasing in popululation.

Serial divorcee Larry King’s philandering lifestyle has finally been ex-spoused.

I’m being set up with this girl who really loves the metric system. I can’t wait to metre!

My mother-in-law got her mammaries replaced by suction cups. Now whenever she leans in for a kiss, I get ma stuck to me.

My girlfriend was crying. I tried to dry her tears by blowing on them. It gave me a case of blew bawls.

My friend warned me about getting into a love triangle with acute guy. She said “What’s his angle? He seems really shallow, and something about him just isn’t right.” She told me to stop being obtuse. “When I first looked at him isosceles written all over him,” she said. Turns out she was right: I’m no longer scalene the heights of love. I need to do a complete 180.

How potheads propose:

“Marriage… u wanna?”

Searching for an older woman?

Just Cougle it!

All married men have been sentenced to wife.

The lexicographers were involved in an acronymonious divorce.

Why is the Maytag man so lonely?

His wife is fridged.

What’s the international language of single people?

Desperanto.

I wish I could meat a nice anorexic girl. I recently tried dating someone who is bulimic. But she always wanted to fight. So I said “Ok - throw em up!”

Is it true that Scientology books can help you bed women?

Yes- Hubbard in the hand is worth two in the bush!

Lorena Bobbitt proved that the penis not mightier than the sword.… her favourite Bryan Adams song is ‘Cuts like a wife‘… The Bobbitts got divorced - John is currently unattached… When the gym cut off his membership, he kept trying to rejoin… (sorry)

The unemployed man was married to a woman who was never satisfied. When he finally got a job, she was irate nonetheless. “Now,” she said, “you are home less!”

David Duchovny couldn’t get over his old girlfriend. He was an ex-phile.

The unmarried Mafia boss was affectionately known as The Old Made.

How does a deaf man tell you about his broken heart?

Sighin’ language.

The man who broke up with his longtime girlfriend went on a consolational fruit-eating binge. When asked how he was handling it, the fellow merely raised a half-eaten piece of produce. “Can’t you see,” he said, “I am in the depths of this pear.“

When a Muslim butcher gets a divorce, does he have to pay halalimony?

My next-door neighbours are always lighting up fragrant sticks, even after I complained. They are so incensitive!

Romance flowers when you least expect! My pal Pete Rose, a bouquet at the racetracks, has a girlfriend named Bea. They met at a party, and she laughed when he offered to fertilizer. She looked at his pistil and said “I bet you don’t have stamena.” How a pollen right? And yet he nectar anyway! Then they ducked into a bathroom and she bloom on all florist. Wow, they seed an opportunity and didn’t waste mulch time; now they’re inseparable. That’s love for you, not just a ficus of the imagination. It never turns out as you plant.

My pet monkey is very shy. It came as no surprise, then, that my girlfriend got mad when I took macaque out on a busy street.

I married the baker’s daughter because she had really big breads.

My athlete wife won an Olympic gold even while I was cheating on her. I told her, “Quit medalling in my affairs!”

It’s great dating a florist, because she always know when and where to plant her tulips.

How does the church encourage dialogue between divorced couples?

By ex-communicating them!