With recent budget cuts, Satan has had to cut back on regular maintenance, which has left Hades in a state of grim repair.

For those trying to give up salty snacks for Lent, I say beer nut afraid.

Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain. That would be bibelous.

Religious suicide bombers? Some of these wacky terrorists have been smoking the koranic.

Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope’s orders: anul sects.

A potential terrorist attack by militant Buddhists was defused by the Department of Om land Security.

I can’t stop talking about the apocalypse. Armageddon too old for that!

When I discovered a casino in the Mennonite neighbourhood, I knew something was Amish.

Would a story about Islamic terrorists be an Allah gory?

Hear about the aerosol spray that militant Northern Irish Catholics have been using to kill rival Protestants? They call it in-sect-ocide.

NED: I cut my leg. It’s bleeding.
ED: Quick, get a bandage.
NED: I can’t. I don’t believe in gauze.
ED: Huh?
NED: It’s true. I am ragnostic.

Do amputees look forward to Armagettin?

The Shias and their rivals sometimes clash violently, but the Spunni Muslims love to cuddle.

In California, opponents of the Catholic Church were conducting a mass protest against the bishop of Sacramento, who was caught drinking Sinfandel.

If you like to give fundamentalist Christians the finger, that makes you a phalangelical.

Have some fast food - it’s Good Fry Day!

Haitians—Hoodoo they think they are?

What happened when Jesus brought the dead pigs back to life?

He turned slaughter into swine!

When Cheesus started his muenstery, he wanted to save people from edam-nation. The numbers in hell gruyere by year. And the devil was evil like the mythical gorgon zola, but cheddar days were ahead.

Did you hear that God is being sued for not allowing sinners into Heaven? The plaintiffs allege grace-based discrimination.

Image c/o The Onion

Those who take the Old Testament literally tend to have a Moab mentality.

The Gents aren’t ones to make puns involving epilepsy and synagogues, but if the shul fits…

[Yikes! If this puns has you foaming at the mouth, you should also get checked for rabbis...]

Don’t baptize your children: it’s a chrism sentence.

What happened when Jesus preached to his disciples in the rain?

They bore wetness to the truth!

Priests recently gained the right to vote, after finally being recognized as legal parsons — despite vicarous opposition.

To a hungry monk, cheese is Christ.

Why do monks make good mobile phone salesmen?

Because they can cell a bit.

The monks preserved the History of Diarrhea in an Ill Loo Men Ated Manuscrapt.

What are the three most important things to consider when becoming a priest?

Vocation, vocation, vocation!

A prophet is influenced by where he guru up.

How does Nike sell shoes to priests?

“Je su it.”

Is Salman Rushdie against sheep?

Perhaps. Some say he is lambophobic.

When ordering seconds of Jamaican food at a restaurant in Utah, you have to ask for “more man“.

Some fundamentalist Islamic parents won’t let their daughters leave the house. They keep them under Koran-teen.

NED: Did you hear, I’ve become a Scientologist?
ED: No way. You’re nuts.
NED: I really did. It’s Xenu-ist craze!
ED: Well I don’t believe in that nonsense.
NED: Bah. Get behind me, Thetan!

Listening to U2 in church gives me a mass-ive Bono.

I enjoy fish on Yum Kipper.

I invited the Dalai Lama over for dinner, but he said Buddha that, which is just as well, as I’m willing Tibet you anything that he would have run a monk.

In France, priests don’t drink milk. It must be because they’re not lait people.

Modern environmentalists have a quasi-religious zeal. They’re like emissionaries.

When God made Eve, he split the Adam. And on the seventh day, he went fission.

Salvador painted a psychedelic image of an alpaca, decked out in religious garb. He proclaimed, ‘Everyone must worship the Dali llama!’

The pope pronounced his thoughts on the yo-yo dieting epidemic during the Fat-Again Council.

What happened when Jesus took Viagra?

He rose again. It was the Second Coming. He said to his disciples, “Check out my nail,” and they couldn’t believe how He was hung. He was truly the messy. Ah. And so the Church soon broke into many groups/sects.

Why won’t the priest let me urinate during confession? I just want some pee sin quiet!

NED: Why do so many Italians become ministers?
ED: Because they love pastor!

If you crap into a bottle of whiskey, you will go straight to heaven. After all, Jesus said “Blessed are the pooer in spirits.”

They say that donkeys are stubborn, but St. Francis had a way with animals, and he even taught his donkey to bake! When asked how he did it, the Saint replied that it was “Assisi ass pie!”

The imam felt ashamed when his prayer web site was accused of promoting terrorism. He said it was very e-mosque-ulating.