Parsimony: when someone cheats at golf and then bribes a priest for forgiveness.

Which birds are most religious? Geeses of Nazereth.

I said to an Evangelical friend with a leaky roof, “I have a problem with Je-hoval’s wetnesses!’

Televangelism is all about false profits.

Atheists lack creed ability.

Little people want to get to heaven. Alas, mini are called but few are chosen.

Gum is great! I chews to follow the mastical sciences, and worship Jawhovah. I attend Sunday masseter, biting my time for eternal Salivation.

The strip club dancer once attended mass, but now she’s a laps Catholic.

Dear Pun Gents, our church is presenting a seminar on holistic fitness which would include the physical, emotional and spiritual. We would like a catchy title for the event. ~Ron, Toronto (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Drop and Give Me Twenty Hail Maries
2. Soular Power
3. Shake Psalm Action
4. Squat Would Jesus Do?

To all Evangelicals, Pentecostals, 7th Day Adventists and Baptists who truly believe - the Big Day is coming tomorrow, so make sure you’ve rapture presents!

Dear Pun Gents, something about freedom of religion I can use in a skit (eg for ‘peaceful assembly’, a kid making a lego sculpture) ~Aiedail, Livonia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Rapper: Christ Cross
2. Buddha Man [Boo the Man]
3. Old people who’ve had joint replacement surgery enjoy freedom of wors hips
4. Bible? In this country you can buy whatever bull you choose.
5. Those who practice religious oppression will get a few pious in the face.
6. Hindu what you want

Dear Pun Gents, I home-brew beer and I’m looking to create a ‘patron saint of beer’ for a logo. Something along the lines of my old favorite: “Patron Saint of Fireworks: St. Mary IgniteUs. (you can use that one) ~Ernest, Worcester, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. St. Brewno
2. St. Al Cahal
3. St. Maximus Buzzinski
4. St. Ibeerius
5. St. Inebrius Di Still
6. St. Stoutus
7. St. Hopsgood
8. Thomas A-wine-us - The saint with an ale’o

Dear Pun Gents,  I am writing an article for our church newsletter about being thankful in spite of adversity and need a title for the article. ~Tuan, Honolulu (long-time fan)

Dear Pun Gents, I’m making a movie poster for an art history class on early Netherlandish paintings and I’m trying to crack a joke about the ‘mystic marriage’ of St. Catherine to the baby Jesus. HELP! What would make a funny title? ~Leslie, Baton Rouge, LA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. My How He’s Groom!
2. J.C. and the Pious Cats
3. Saviour the Date!

Dear Pun Gents, I need a headline for an article I’m writing for our church newsletter—about new members who will be inducted into the church upon completion of membership classes. ~Tuan, Honolulu, HI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. We’ll be enjoying some wine and Jesus.
2. We hope you find Yahweh around.
3. Want some pastor and meets us?
4. Flock up your daughters!

How to promote Viagra in Muslim countries: “I’ll Lack Bar!“

Dear Pun Gents, for a theology project at school I have to make a bumper sticker explaining the theological virtues — faith, hope, and love. Please help me! It’s the end of the quarter and I NEED a good grade! Thank you sooooooooo much!!!!!! ~Emma, Missoula, MT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Without Faith, Hope and Love we all get a FHLing grade.
2. Catch me on FaithBook (read the Bible)
3. Hopin for Business
4. Set the Lovin to High.
5. Faith Hope and Love are the illogical virtues.

The monks kicked the priests out of their choir because they couldn’t carry a tunic.

Are Hindus waiting for end of days aka Karma-gettin’?

With recent budget cuts, Satan has had to cut back on regular maintenance, which has left Hades in a state of grim repair.

For those trying to give up salty snacks for Lent, I say beer nut afraid.

Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain. That would be bibelous.

Religious suicide bombers? Some of these wacky terrorists have been smoking the koranic.

Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope’s orders: anul sects.

A potential terrorist attack by militant Buddhists was defused by the Department of Om land Security.

I can’t stop talking about the apocalypse. Armageddon too old for that!

When I discovered a casino in the Mennonite neighbourhood, I knew something was Amish.

Hear about the aerosol spray that militant Northern Irish Catholics have been using to kill rival Protestants? They call it in-sect-ocide.

NED: I cut my leg. It’s bleeding.
ED: Quick, get a bandage.
NED: I can’t. I don’t believe in gauze.
ED: Huh?
NED: It’s true. I am ragnostic.

Do amputees look forward to Armagettin?

The Shias and their rivals sometimes clash violently, but the Spunni Muslims love to cuddle.

In California, opponents of the Catholic Church were conducting a mass protest against the bishop of Sacramento, who was caught drinking Sinfandel.

If you like to give fundamentalist Christians the finger, that makes you a phalangelical.

Have some fast food - it’s Good Fry Day!

Haitians—Hoodoo they think they are?

What happened when Jesus brought the dead pigs back to life?

He turned slaughter into swine!

When Cheesus started his muenstery, he wanted to save people from edam-nation. The numbers in hell gruyere by year. And the devil was evil like the mythical gorgon zola, but cheddar days were ahead.

Did you hear that God is being sued for not allowing sinners into Heaven? The plaintiffs allege grace-based discrimination.

Image c/o The Onion

Those who take the Old Testament literally tend to have a Moab mentality.

The Gents aren’t ones to make puns involving epilepsy and synagogues, but if the shul fits…

[Yikes! If this puns has you foaming at the mouth, you should also get checked for rabbis...]

Don’t baptize your children: it’s a chrism sentence.

What happened when Jesus preached to his disciples in the rain?

They bore wetness to the truth!

Priests recently gained the right to vote, after finally being recognized as legal parsons — despite vicarous opposition.

To a hungry monk, cheese is Christ.

Why do monks make good mobile phone salesmen?

Because they can cell a bit.

The monks preserved the History of Diarrhea in an Ill Loo Men Ated Manuscrapt.

What are the three most important things to consider when becoming a priest?

Vocation, vocation, vocation!

A prophet is influenced by where he guru up.

How does Nike sell shoes to priests?

“Je su it.”