A prophet is influenced by where he guru up.

How does Nike sell shoes to priests?

“Je su it.”

Is Salman Rushdie against sheep?

Perhaps. Some say he is lambophobic.

When ordering seconds of Jamaican food at a restaurant in Utah, you have to ask for “more man“.

Some fundamentalist Islamic parents won’t let their daughters leave the house. They keep them under Koran-teen.

NED: Did you hear, I’ve become a Scientologist?
ED: No way. You’re nuts.
NED: I really did. It’s Xenu-ist craze!
ED: Well I don’t believe in that nonsense.
NED: Bah. Get behind me, Thetan!

Listening to U2 in church gives me a mass-ive Bono.

I enjoy fish on Yum Kipper.

I invited the Dalai Lama over for dinner, but he said Buddha that, which is just as well, as I’m willing Tibet you anything that he would have run a monk.

In France, priests don’t drink milk. It must be because they’re not lait people.

Modern environmentalists have a quasi-religious zeal. They’re like emissionaries.

When God made Eve, he split the Adam. And on the seventh day, he went fission.

Salvador painted a psychedelic image of an alpaca, decked out in religious garb. He proclaimed, ‘Everyone must worship the Dali llama!’

The pope pronounced his thoughts on the yo-yo dieting epidemic during the Fat-Again Council.

What happened when Jesus took Viagra?

He rose again. It was the Second Coming. He said to his disciples, “Check out my nail,” and they couldn’t believe how He was hung. He was truly the messy. Ah. And so the Church soon broke into many groups/sects.

Why won’t the priest let me urinate during confession? I just want some pee sin quiet!

NED: Why do so many Italians become ministers?
ED: Because they love pastor!

If you crap into a bottle of whiskey, you will go straight to heaven. After all, Jesus said “Blessed are the pooer in spirits.”

They say that donkeys are stubborn, but St. Francis had a way with animals, and he even taught his donkey to bake! When asked how he did it, the Saint replied that it was “Assisi ass pie!”

The age of religious factionalism is not over. In the news these days, Snoop Dogg is responsible for the Great Shizzum.

Studying quantum physics is so mysterious the physicists are like a religious brotherhood; in fact they must take a vow of science.

Isn’t it ironic that Mo’ hammed didn’t eat pork?

Jesus rose again, on Yeaster Sunday. He died ferment, but truly He is the leaven Lord.

At the Last Supper, Judas ruined Jesus’ omelette. That day became known as Gooed Fried Egg.

Renegade theologians are now arguing that Jesus was, in fact, somewhat evil. After all, his mother’s sister was the Auntie Christ.

A cow’s favourite prayer is “Hail Mary, full of graze…” It’s even more popular than the Our Fodder.

Is it true that Scientology books can help you bed women?

Yes- Hubbard in the hand is worth two in the bush!

The pope has inflamed a lot of turbaned followers of Guru Nanak with his latest encyclical. In fact it’s so dangerous they’re referring to it as a Sikh-heating missal.

Jesus told a lot of stories about poor people. They are great stories. In fact, they are income parable.

Taoism is total rubbish. It’s simply a LaoTze philosophy.

At the Second Gumming of Christ, Jesus will finally be crowned King of the Chews.

Jesus was accused by his enemies of being a manipulative puppetmaster. They referred to Him as ‘SvenGalilee‘

If you don’t get into heaven, take soulless.

Imams don’t like it when people lose a lot of weight. I knew one who even issued fatwas.

When men become priests, they often get tattoos on their bellies, because they are permanently ab staining.

If you’re Hindu you should never let your mom drive. It’s bad karma.

Mozart thought he was God. Whenever someone asked his name, he said “I am a deus.”

When God made the solar system, how did He planet?

The nun in Warsaw never suffered from Pole-lack.

Are firefighters members of the Church of Ladder-Day Saints?

The Vatican TV channel is no longer free. They’re switching to pope-per-view.

A hooligan ripped apart a Hindu holy text inside the Taj Mahal. He was charged with Agra Veda’d assault.

Where did Judas betray Jesus?

In the Garden of Get-Some-Money.

Priests sure know how to treat a laity.

The goodlooking monk was chaste by women.

The angry mob tortured the newspaper editor by cooking him inside a Rose of Mohammed. It was the dark days - of the Danish Imposition.

How do generals make decisions during a Holy War?

They ask, “What would StrateJesus do?”

They depicted Mohammad’s donkey in a Danish newspaper cartoon. It was an insult to his llama.

Satan sheets: what the devil sleeps in.