My personal attempts to re-create a black hole have met with abyssal failure.

Science has shown that a hungry man can make a sandwich disappear through a physical process of phase transition, aka sub elimination.

Dear Pun Gents, I need a derby name. Maybe sometime to do with rugby or science. Toughish sounding. Thanks! ~Jackye, Urbana, IL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Mauly Sevens [rugby]
2. Barbie Aryan [rugby]
3. Asskick Newton
4. Cap ‘er NicAss
5. Kim O’Kill

Dear Pun Gents, I am writing a scientific paper, and the titles of such papers are often puns. The topic of the paper is looking at fruit and seeing whether the phylogenetic trees you can construct based on morphological features match the known trees for these fruit. ~Alex, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Fruit 66: A phylogenetic roadmap
2. There a Pears to be a Connection…
3. Appled Science
4. Phylogenetic Trees Arboring?
5. Peach de Resistance
6. A Theory with many Applecations
7. A Branch of Theory that Bears Fruit

Dear Pun Gents, got any ideas on how to incorporate psychology vocabulary with Valentine’s Day? It can be a person, a theory, a perspective, anything. Thanks so much! ~Victoria, New York City

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. I’m no longer a Freud of love
2. Maslow dance with me? You’re at the top of my hierarchy of needs.
3. I need multi-moanal therapy
4. Don’t you love when a secret Myers Briggs you flowers?
5. You’re the narcissed person I know
6. Let’s Roschach up
7. Are you into DS&M?

Dear Pun Gents, I would also (please!) like a roller derby name for myself. I’d like a powerful/mean one that pertains to DNA (I’m a DNA analyst). Thank you! ~Kiersten, Orlando, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Mean Jean
2. Helix on Wheels
3. Shelix
4. Broken Ribos
5. DNA, Princess of Wails

Sick of hanging out with his aunt’s kids at family reunions, Newton went off and formulated the law of cousin affect.

When I think about money, I start to drool like a dog. It’s my Paylove-ian reflex.

You can get never get a straight answer from an oceanographer. They just say, “it deepens.”

For unemployed physicists, the Large Hadron Collider is a make-quark project.

Human evolution is fast in the Caribbean, and has led to a recent rise in the number of mute Haitians.

The first Concorde failed to achieve its goal of doubling the speed of sound. The dejected aeronautics engineers were upset, saying, “I guess it’s Mach 2 basics.”

Which branch of study concerns the Communist movement?

Castrophysics.

During puberty, most quantum physicists were obsessed with observing Mrs. Higg’s bosom.

I was always fascinated by the metric system, thanks to my gram awe’s influence. At school I wasn’t like the rest of the kgs: I certainly wasn’t the litre, and the bullies just wouldn’t lb me alone. At home my dear nano couldn’t console me, nor could my friend Milli who centi me a deca cards to cheer me up. Eventually I cheered up, however, and the abuse didn’t last furlong.

Intensity of dog flatulence? Why, that’s measured by the Bowfart Wind Scale!

Grab a tea: what Isaac Newton did when he was thirsty.

Early hominids were always getting lost. Especially the ancient Meanderthals.

Hear about the chemist who couldn’t decide what to eat at a dim sum restaurant? As they laid plates before him, he sat there, studying the periodic table of aliments.

The Paleozoic era was even more computerized than today. Instead of kilobytes, they had trilobites.

Which branch of science is dedicated to launching midgets into space?

Astrognomy.

Which astronomer boasted of his conquests?

Galileo.

Cell biologists are afraid of falling into debt. They’re might-owe-chondriacs.

To make candlesticks from TNT, try nightly tallowing.

Microbes don’t have names—they prize their nanonymity.

How do astronomers make discoveries? By cosmosis.

The noisiest body of water is not a rushing rapid, but a plain old creek.

Until Pythagoras was able to formulate his famous theorem about 90-degree-angle triangles, he considered himself a failed righter.

Before proving his own existence, Rene Descartes proved that Mexican food causes flatulence—with his less famous aphorism, “burrito, air go boom!”

Early astronauts had it tough: they worked in Apollo-ing conditions.

Can a mathematician marry his cosin?

Cosecant!

If you go to CERN but you bring your own hadron collider, they’ll make you pay a quarkage fee.

Atkins dieters can’t carry water bottles, ie cargo hydrates.

Dentists are so primal. They’re in touch with their inner enamel.

NED: I’ve figured out a way to generate electricity—from sheep farts!
ED: Really? I never thought it could be done.
NED: Ass watt ewe stink!

Are atoms somewhat funny?
Yes, they’re part tickles!

Avocado’s Number: The amount of particles in a guaco mole.

Ophthalmology puns make me glassy eyed. I don’t like vitreous humor.

Louis Pasteur loved his cattle. When he was a professor he received his degree honor ‘is cowsa.

That potheads will always stay up to watch late-night comedy is known as the Law of Reefer-action, aka SNL’s law.

Screw the petriarchy - I’m having a test-tube baby!

My greatest sphere is that the Earth is round.

The asstronaut got lonely in space, so he entered Uranus by the dark side of the moon; butt he sure didn’t planet that way! In fact, his ship crapped out on him because of a bum engine, and that’s what really rectum. His ass-kicking feet entered the anals of history!

If laser beams are good for light work, then lazier beams are good for nothing.

When they cloned the great communist philosopher, it was a re-Marxable achievement.

Cows who produce rotten milk should be put out to pasteur.

What happens to light in prism?

It bends over.

Geometer punks love graph-iti.

When God made Eve, he split the Adam. And on the seventh day, he went fission.