I slept with a farm animal. In the morning I felt pretty oxward.

I saw a lowlife cruising for loose women on the beach. I said “What kind of conch you buyin‘?” He said, “She’s my beach—a shore thing. I don’t care what pebble think, if they sea us together. I hope I end up all tide up.”

In marketing news, Viagra has been targeting its product to universities—especially the sophomore students.

Arborists are into treesomes. Which leads to a lot of unplant pregnancies.

Hear about the porno sequel to Disney’s Aladdin?

I’d Ream A Genie

How do you seduce an equine? Easy: start by taking off zebra. They whinny until they’re horse.

Womanizers prefer a female monarch—so they can pledge feel-titty to the queen.

When Monica Lewinsky interned for Santa, she spent a lot of time servicing the North Pole. However, the wind blew and the weather sucked; she tried to quit, but Santa kept her around to polish his candy canes. Feeling exploited, she launched a Clause-suction lawsuit.

Which actor liked beefcakes?
Clark Gay Bull.

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!
ED: Really?! Are you guilty?
NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.
ED: Are you saying you didn’t do it on porpoise?

Sixteenth century musicians were often guilty of lute behaviour. And any who denied it was considered a lyre.

I asked my dyslexic friend to define dyslexia. He said “Dylsexia: when you have sex with a dill pickle.”

Onan is an island.

Do wasps like porn?

Yes, beestiality. As for ants, they’re into formication.

Is it true women like men who yawn?

No actually. Sighs don’t matter.

Why do prostitutes make good postal workers?

Because already they come equipped with male slots.

What do you call an old man on Viagra?
A geyser.

Death row inmates with laryngitis can’t speak up for themselves. Their women will want to save them, however, because they’re hung like a hoarse.

Hear the disturbing news? A sodomite has ass gaped from prison. Now he has entered the general population.

Condom use can lead to asphyxia: it makes it hard to breed.

It is semenly impossible for two men to impregnate the same woman at once. But that doesn’t stop pornstars from their intense comepetitions.

Strippers are often infertile. The men are nudered and the women insist on being well-spayed.

Hear about the incestuous pedophile who was also into bestiality? He was so sexually confused, he enjoyed his bi son.

Avoid groups of sexually frustrated men in prison. They tend to be assive-agressive types. They always want gomorrah.

McDonald’s has recently put blowfish on the menu, aka the Fellate-O-Fish.

Hear about the nursery rhyme for women with low self-esteem?

Hump-me, Dump-me.

Sex and money talk in the Indian music world, where the rock stars are often surrounded by screaming rupees, looking for a paisa the action. And ten thousand rupees certainly indicates a lak of it.

Porn fluffers who don’t make it into the industry often go on to airline careers as fellate attendants.

Irate protesters in Pakistan won’t rest until Musharraf is hung like a horse. That won’t be too hard, as he claims he can already pack his Stanfield.

Before live-action pornography was legalized, XXX videos were shot exclusively in Playmation.

What happens to light in prism?

It bends over.

Hear about the male strippers union? They’re quite well organized.

Laugh if you must, but people who can achieve orgasm solely by fantasizing about cows deserve a moo to cum of respect.

NED: If I grab your ass in a bar, it’s not my fault.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: Because I suffer from copaphilia!

What happened when Jesus took Viagra?

He rose again. It was the Second Coming. He said to his disciples, “Check out my nail,” and they couldn’t believe how He was hung. He was truly the messy. Ah. And so the Church soon broke into many groups/sects.

The sad irony: as soon as I broke my neck, and lost feeling ‘down below’, the girls suddenly wanted my number!

My girlfriend teased me about building a mansion in the French Alps. I replied, “Stop it - you’re asking for a Massif erection!”

The suspect claimed he was wrongly accused of arson‘. “I am not a flamer,” he said.

Getting inundated with ‘friend requests’ is called Face bukkake.

Pun-Off Report - note from Pun Gent Pat:

Hey, they finally printed my piece about going to Texas this year (and losing)! The story is in Today’s Post Arts & Life, so please spare 75 cents and buy it, or go here to read. Fun!

See Pat’s full 2007 routine.

Why do women love punsters?

Because they have really big dictionaries.

My girlfriend was crying. I tried to dry her tears by blowing on them. It gave me a case of blew bawls.

Movie trivia: in the upcoming sequelThere’s Something Extra About Mary, Ben Stiller comes across Cameron Diaz’s character, turning her into a sperm-afro-dite.

The Aer Lingus flight to Guan dong was commandeered by coked-up masturbators, trying to gain entry to the cock pit. They were high jackers who got upset when they looked out the window and saw no sign of a China. It ended badly when they blew each other up in the sky.

The two lawyers had a torted affair.

Celebrity gossip: Paris Hilton has moved to Idaho.

Every deaf man’s dream is to have aural sex.

Even though there’s pussy galore, many men prefer to roger moore and pierce brosnan. It part of the bondage thing.

Sex toys go back thousands of years, even into the Mesoamericas. They were never at a loss for anal wands during the Ass tech empire.

Is it true pigeons can have more sex, by drinking coo laid?