I met a homeless prostitute during WWI. She was known as The Grate Whore.

Even though the Sri Lankan civil war is over, there’s still a lot of violence. It’s not exactly smooth Ceylon.

Stop maiming each other; we’re running out of Gauze-a!

The final Battle of the Birds will obliterate the skies. It will be known as Ptarmigeddon.

Lots more Puns on Demand requests filled today!

Hear about that high-tech thriller, about a submarine crew that gets lost at sea due to extreme computer failure? It’s called DOS Boot. As the movie unfolds it’s clear that the vessel’s discipline was lax: not a mouse was stirring while some key bored personnel were in the washroom taking a FTP. The submarine was suddenly swamped by torrents of WAVs, and couldn’t make it to the dock. Windows were stupidly left open, resulting in an impossible Turing radius as they were overwhelmed by the C. It was a Unix situation, and as they twirled out into the ethernet the captain radioed the nearest B-52 Flying Fortran for help. “This hertz, Mac,” he cried. “It megahertz! I need a pier-to-pier transfer.” But due to BASIC errors and faulty navigation they could not find anchor, and crashed, leaving no possibility for a SQL.

When the B-52 bomber pilot got divorced, he had to pay loads.

They make tiny submersibles these days that are smaller than a mouse. They’re known as submurines.

When you join the military, they light your bum on fire as part of the ass-immolation process.

Favourite nursery rhyme of WWI ‘trench foot‘ victims: Pus in Boots.

There are vast quantities of natural gas held in tense grip between warring Middle Eastern Cheeks. This has led to methane-ous crimes among the rival arsetalkocracies, including the recent assgassination of the Blue Angel, leader of the Qatar people — which puts all Fartsees under a cloud of suspicion. Once the flow of blood is stenched, the factions must put this behind them and shart a new course, toot suite.

THe US army in Iraq can’t afford to make popcorn, because they are running out of colonels. It’s becoming a major problem in general.

Some Russian freedom fighters are actually Chinese. The most famous example would be the notorious Chechen Chong.

People who sing off-key in the shower should be nerve-gassed. Only that will help the sarin-aid.

What’s George Bush’s response to thousands of bodies wounded and mutilated in Iraq and Afghanistan?

“Keep surgeon the troops!”

The Crusaders weren’t into raping and pillaging, but they were into papin’ and religion.

Saddam had one cousin, a punster, who escaped prosecution. His name was Comic-ali, and he sassed the Kurds.

With the passing of Russian President Boris Yeltsin, the Gents reiterate that his role in Chechnya was Grozny overrated.

Which nationalist element reacts violently with all neighbouring elements?

Germanium.

Fight the Mujahideen? So viet.

WWII porn?

Dieppe Throat.

This war Is Rael. It’s Syrias. As for the Lebanese militia, I really don’t cedar point. It Hezbollahshit written all over it; like I Tel my friend Aviv, they don’t Haifa chance. Their leader’s a joke too - I heard the Gaza Strip-club owner (got a loan from the West Bank). I think the terrorists should make love, not war. You know - Hamas Sutra. So hey Mistah Taliban - thanks for Sharon - but go fly Al-Qaeda!

How do generals make decisions during a Holy War?

They ask, “What would StrateJesus do?”

Did all the goodlooking women go naked during the London Blitz?

Yes - there were many ‘aerate’ sirens.

When was the yoyo originally used in combat?

During the First Whirled War.

If you look at these digital photos of the wounded soldier up close, it looks like he was shot by a Canon.