O. Henry Pun-Off, May 14, 2005

The transcript of Pat's bronze-medal winning performance (score: 38 out of a possible 40)

(Intro: points to podium, displaying sign saying 'This is my Hannibal lectern')

"Men and women of good taste, great to finally eat you! I wouldn't lie, my mother braised me well, so that's no can o' bull. After years in the Pizza Corpse working as a human-eat-arian, I'm here finally to compete; I promise you I'm no flesh in the pan.

My girlfriend, a cute little fillet, name's Cake Moss, spends all her time cooking in the microwaif, didn't think I'd make it this far, but now she's eating Russell Crowe. Sometimes I'm not so glad I ator – I mean, date her. Nothing's worse than a jealous liver.

But I won't Lecter you; I'm not one of those annoying people who never stops chewing you out. You're all men of convection; I'm practically in oven with you; I am enjoying you people with relish.

Please come over to my place for a donner party. Don't worry if you are lack-toes intolerant, I'll strap the feet-bag right on you. You like fresh brain muffins? Exskullent! Then it's toast slathered with marma-ladies, scrambled legs, all washed down with a full-bodied wino. And dessert: adam's apple pie with eyes cream and my favourite, J-Lo pudding pops. Bring your kids over to play too – I'd consider it a veal good time.

Now I'm off on a tour of international menus: first it's Iceland for Bjork chops - then Manila for some Phyllopinos, and also France to have a true hommelette breakfast! Last stop's the Vatican, where I hope to have the pope's ear. Hope he listens - someone's got to keep that guy a-cannibal!

Thanks for letting me take you in gest; I'll ketchup with you later.

Thank you!"

(bow)