Lance Armstrong felt better after appearing on Oprah. She gave him performance-enhancing hugs. Nonetheless, Lance committed male fraud: He was master of the pellets-on. Somehow he  never failed his testes—he didn’t stop until he had one. Now, stripped of his Tour titles, the most shocking revelation is that Lance has a No Jersey accent. Anyway I guess it’s back to eating Sheryl Crow. [The Gents thank Ashley, Bryan and Jordan for collaborating on today’s puns!]

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I was looking for a place to roost, so I went to the poultry hotel to chick inn. The guy at front desk was a bad egg (he called me a pecker!) but despite his unpheasantness I didn’t fly the coop: after all, it was only hen bok-boks a night. ‘Only hen clucks,’ I thought. I agreed to the feed, and was given free range of the place.

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