Why are pirates so loud?

They just argh.

When they are born, wee bulls wobble.

I got a hot new inking done of a beverage container, but I didn’t like it. I had to go back to the parlor to have the Thermos tat adjusted.

Many environmentalists are also writers. They have many litter rarely qualities.

Don’t joke about Hillary Clinton and PMS - she’s the Secretory of State!

Dear Pun Gents, my work colleagues and I need a team name for a charity walk called the MK Midnight Moo. Must have something to do with cows. ~Leanne, Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, England

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Band of Brudders
2. Cow Tech
3. Heiferbody Say Moo
4. Moo From a Hill
5. Milkin Keynes
6. Wooly Bull

French humour is so Sarkozstic

Cojonan O’brien really had balls standing up to NBC, after getting bumped by the Jay Jay.

Wheat farmers always play the lottery. They want to win now.

Dear Pun Gents, two-person female running team; both member are grandmas, with a combined age of 100+. ~Joanie, Bellingham, WA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Geri’s Kids
2. Grandmarathon
3. Long Distaunts
4. Last Legs
5. Runs In Stockings
6. Speedomestics

Dear Pun Gents, we need a pun for our polar bear plunge team that includes of five or six teenage girls, and my dad.~Cathleen, Middleton, DE

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ice-Q
2. Frigidimate Behavior
3. Cold Man and the Sea
4. A Foolish Ocean
5. Bear Bottoms
6. Freeze the Children

After Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger’s writing career stayed in a Holden pattern. And he would never field any cauls.

I was charged $200 for dinner last night. I think I got plate.

The Incredible Hulk ran for mayor, on a platform of not raising taxis. Over his head.

When President Obama needs to remember something, he just downloads it to Rahm.

A porn director’s beverage of choice would be a milfshake. It tastes like umami.

Dear Pun Gents, I’d like a pun in response to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. ~Adam, Plymouth, MA (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The President really dropped Obama last night.
2. There was a lot of security in Washington for the speech. They emptied all the Baracks.
3. He promises action on Steve Jobs - and with the iPad, he’s delivered!
4. Why is he threatening to punish Banksy?
5. He’s repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ Finally he has his gaze on the military!
6. Another foreign policy blunder: a tax credit for Somali business?

Help Adam out: Comment below with your $0.02

iPad? Should be ‘iPaid already’, for the iPod, the iTouch, and the iPhone. This one should be free!

Dear Pun Gents, my fiancé and I are giving decorative bags filled with peppermints to guests at our wedding. Can you think of a wedding-appropriate pun for the mints?
~Sarah, St. Louis, MO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Mint To Be
2. Candied Moments
3. Sav-our Marriage
4. You Sugar Me All Night Long
5. Suckin to None

Help Sarah Out: Comment below with your $0.02

Dear Pun Gents, we’re a women’s tennis team in Madison. A play on “Madtown”  or “mad” would be helpful.  Most of us are over 40. ~Susan, Madison, WI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Mad-dames [French]
2. Tennisisters
3. The Racquettes
4. The Mad-ri-gals
5. Madisinners
6. Madopause
7. Madwesterners

Help Susan Out: Comment below with your $0.02

Anyone who doesn’t like Pepsi is a Coke-sucker.

Dear Pun Gents, something funny about John McCain swimming. ~Cody, Salem, OR

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. He’s had another stroke.
2. Is that John McCain drowning? He sounds hanoied.
3. He doesn’t like swimming. He shies away from blue states.
4. When he was drowning, he couldn’t find a Bush to grab onto.
5. John can’t swim in his home state. It’s an arid zone-a.
6. He’s so afraid of water whenever he gets near a pool he drops a senaturd.
7. Michael Phelp’s skills Palin comparison.

HELP CODY OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments,  just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted.

Dear Pun Gents, I would like some puns related to the election in Massachusetts. ~Adam, Plymouth, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Health care reform suffers Brown-out
2. Obama does penance in Mass.
3. Insure-ection!
4. They opened up a Kennedy wupass.
5. Massa-chooses-shit

HELP ADAM OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

How does the the Baseball Bible start?

‘In the big inning…’

Dear Pun Gents, I need a funny name for a 3v3 basketball team. ~Tony, St. Louis

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Three Guys, Six Balls
2. Nothing but Ned, Ed and Fred
3. Slam Allelekum
4. Dunkin Go Nuts
5. The Three Pointer Sisters
6. The Trouble with Triples
7. Threedom Train

HELP TONY OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

Dear Pun Gents, I need a new Xbox live name. I was hoping you guys could use my name or part of my name in it. Thanks! ~Richard, Troy, MI (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. For richard or poorer
2. Troy Again
3. Just Troy Mi
4. Ric Hard

The best place for a politician to apologize? Parle-lament.

When a mathematician suffers a flesh wound, he should apply a Gauzian distribution of bandages. And remember to use Fermat pressure.

Dear Pun Gents, we’re updating our clients information and have to call people to update/confirm email addresses. We’re forming teams to do it in. Any ideas? Cheers! ~Marlon, Melbourne

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Address for Success
2. Track Team
3. Emailleability
4. The Check is in the Email

Dear Pun Gents, need a pun on a cake auction. ~Kelly, Chiefland, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Congratulations, you’ve just won a brand new carb!
2. When I see cake, icing for joy.
3. Flantastic Voyage
4. Give Piece a Chance
5. Jack Frosting

Dear Pun Gents, some good wedding band names. ~Lisa, Tampa, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The Wedding Band
2. Band for Life
3. Big Rock
4. Aislevis Priestley
5. Easy Briders

Why do dictators speak to the masses from balconies? Haven’t they heard that no ledge is power?

Dear Pun Gents, I’m looking for a punny name for a new blog. Something shorter and more clever than, “One man’s quest for figuring out how to plan a gay wedding while negotiating freaked-out family drama and keeping sight of the real reason for getting married - the other groom.” Thanks! ~Brian, Boulder, CO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Groom with a View
2. Gay Mon!
3. Married to a Blog - but he’s a nice fella!
4. Aisle Be There
5. Nup it in the bud
6. Diary of Stan/Frank
7. Let’s Wed and See

Dear Pun Gents, I have a picture of my mom wearing a turkey hat. I would like a pun that describes her life, but has to do with turkeys. ~Harrison, North Brunswick

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. She wattles when she walks.
2. She’s got the right stuffing!
3. She always listened to Charlie ‘Bird’ Parker
4. She was blessed by Gobble Almighty!

Dear Pun Gents, we have to rename a liquor store.  My wife runs it full-time. We sell beer, spirits, a little wine. Blue-collar store in an old neighborhood. ~Matt, Shawnee, KS (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. What Ales You
2. Liquor-ner Store
3. Inebriattitude
4. Boozunteit
5. Mom and Pop Shots

Dear Pun Gents,  I’m looking for a pun for a shot glass for a bachelorette party. It’s a run of the mill drinking party. Something unique. ~Michelle, Windsor, ON

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Bride is one of the 7 deadly gins.
2. Bailey able to stand
3. Jello Hooters
4. Shoot Your Load.
5. Gal-liano
6. Totally Kahlua-lass

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to ask a friend to buy beer or alcohol. ~Joey, Redlands, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ale be forever grateful.
2. Don’t make me go boozerk.
3. Wine not?
4. Vodka I do for you?
5. It’s not going tequila-ya
6. Can I ask you a martini tiny favour?

Dear Pun Gents, I am in a curling bonspiel called the ‘BUMspiel’ - BUMS stands for Berseker Urban Motorcycle Squad. I need a team name with curling and bums. Or just some original curling names for 4 people thrown together to curl. ~Shelley, Calgary, AB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ass-assins with Rocks
2. Bumsweepers
3. Crack Squad
4. The Icy Receptionists
5. Skip to the Loo
6. We’ll Skip Rinks Around You

Dear Pun Gents, I need a team name for an office team in a transportation engineering firm, but no one on the team is an engineer. ~Amy, Salt Lake City, UT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Trans Sports
2. Engine and Tonic
3. There’s no Engine, Here
4. The Colossus of Roads

Dear Pun Gents, I’m wanting a Valentine’s Day pun based around the themes weight loss / gym / love handles / exercise / etc. ~Lach, Brisbane, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1. Sexercise?
2. Lose 214 pounds for Valentine’s Day
   OR
3. Give her 214 pounds. Watch the V.D!
4. I can’t weight for Valentine’s
5. You be fit me
6. Love. Handle it.

I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ.

Religious suicide bombers? Some of these wacky terrorists have been smoking the koranic.

Did Franklin Roosevelt smell? No, that was The odor.

Dear Pun Gents, We’re looking for a clever name for our women’s tennis team. We’re a city, public court team that plays out of Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. ~Nina, San Francisco (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Feelin Frisci
2. John Cougar Tennis Camp
3. Servivors
4. We’re HardCourt
5. Clay Lady, Clay
6. Clayla
7. Female Agassins
8. Stringers in the night
9. Spinderellas
10. Drop it Like it’s Shot
11. Backhand and Lobbin (Batman and Robin)
12. Golden Girls

Tiger Woods’ career has philandered.

Is it true Dutch people get aroused when visiting Scotland?

Yes, they’re like clogs in heath!

The second richest man in the world hates restaurants , and has even declared a war on buffets.

Which fashion label is really big in Israel?

Juicy Couture.

Few know where the the practice of skinny dipping came from. It has murky organs.