If you're in Britain and need money, don't ask an aquarium. They may lend you a few squid, but be careful—they're sharks! You're better off asking a crusty Asian, who doesn't have mussel to back himself up.

Cheerleading spectacles are a lot of pom and circumstance.

Did Henry Ford usher in the Auto-man empire?

After Pamela Anderson left Baywatch, the outlook was Bleeth.

Don't go to hotels in Iran. You'll just line the pockets of the Hyatt-toll-ah.

Does the King of Midgets rely on inchmen do to his bidding?

The Lone Ranger's sidekick always wore sandals. They called him Tantoe.

I like to stand in lineups, looking at the queued girls.

It is semenly impossible for two men to impregnate the same woman at once. But that doesn't stop pornstars from their intense comepetitions.

Furniture stores are often located in the seaty part of town.

People enjoy social networking sites to escape the rat race. For example, www.mice-pace.com

What did the Scottish baker say to the sheep?

I knead ewe!

Strippers are often infertile. The men are nudered and the women insist on being well-spayed.

What song did Tom Jones write after misplacing his pet ungulate's testicles?

"It's Not a Gnu Jewel."

Hear about the Irish proctologist? Colin O'Scopy.

If you want to build a barn, first check your shedule. If you're too stressed out to do it properly, you may have a hut attack.

There is no way to describe the scheming, abrasive mailman character on TV's Seinfeld. He defies all Newmanclature.

Hear about the baseball pitcher who refused to endorse Wal-Mart, because it was a big balk store?

It's true; it also didn't help that they refuse to let their workers strike, and they have a large selection of woks. He said "I field strongly about this. Wal-Mart may seem like a short stop on a shopping trip, but in fact, it's a retail umpire. It's bat for the economy; they're out to catcher the whole market!"

Is Salman Rushdie against sheep?

Perhaps. Some say he is lambophobic.

Which Alaskan city is most anti-Semitic?

Juneau.

Couches don't like it when you make fun of them. They don't appreciate sat ire.

Hear about the cannibal who kidnapped the octuplets?

He eight them.

Hear about the incestuous pedophile who was also into bestiality? He was so sexually confused, he enjoyed his bi son.

NED: I thought I saw a walrus on the beach!
ED: Nah, that was just a seal lyin'.

The current sub-prime mortgage crisis recalls that great comedy film, ie Home A Loan.

Which toy company believes in affirmative action?

Hasbro.

Do leafy vegetables give you gas?

Yes, to misquote the Latin proverb, arsest celery fart 'em.

People who spout proverbs tend to be arrogant. But then, there's plenty officious in the supercili

Barber Sweeney Todd never killed anyone. Those are just vicious groomers.

Does the Association of Headhunters have close ties to the Stealworkers Union?