The situation in Damascus is Syrias!

Dear Pun Gents, we’re looking for a team name for a fun curling bonspeil for veterinarians.  We are 2 large animal veterinarians and our husbands, in Northern Ontario, and we probably suck at curling more than anyone else at this event.  Animal theme with curling? Doesn’t have to be polite. ~Olivia, Sturgeon Falls, ON

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Rockroaches
2. HardCoreVets
3. Animalpractice
4. Elephantastic Four
5. Feed Em and Sweep
6. The Cowlers
7. Sheep Sweep
8. Grrrlers
9. Bull’s Eye Doctors
10. The Neuteralizers
11. Surgical Strikes
12. The Horseplayers
13. [PS - Thanks for the donation!]

I offered Jell-o to Prince William, and was accused of pudding on heirs.

See http://www.collegehumor.com/upick/6694928/text-puns for the inspiration behind this FB exchange b/w Pat and Rhain.

Borrowing someone’s cereal is oatlendish behaviour.

You’ll regret going to the bathroom in India when you get charged a rupee.

Anyone who grows a large yam-type vegetable is in for a rutabega-ning.

Pastry chefs in Roswell are known for their bake-an-alien delights

I love dropping camera crews off a cliff. There’s nothing quite like fall foleyage.

Chiquita: A woman’s favourite banana.

The government bill to ban alcohol was met by a chorus of booze.

Brigadiers like imprisoning Bambi?

Today’s pun will be dirty. Because we don’t believe in SOPA.

McDonald’s opened an ice Palace. I got so excited I danced a big mac-arena

Where can you get deals on mustard? Groupoupon.

I asked my family to flush the toilet for me. I believe in assisted sewagecide.

After the nuclear accident, the ground seemed to glow, almost as if it had its own floor essence.

I invented a new hat for babies. But I’m not quite sure how to bonnetize it.

Dear Pun Gents, I’m doing research on the beneficial effects of exercise on the heart and need a title for a paper/presentation.  Only work appropriate puns, please. (Donation sent!) ~Kaavya, Cleveland, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Ticker tape parade
2. Get your heart on
3. Exercise makes you heartier
4. Exercise: a hearty meal
5. It’s heart work
6. You aorta know
7. Cardi animals
8. Ventricle treat? [trick or treat]

The police picked up the sleepy looking priest, as a parson of into-rest.

I’m tired of writing Xmas greetings. Next year I’m doing mine on cardbored.

Which jedi didn’t get enough sun? Wan kenobi

If a Jedi master was blinded by a stick, I wouldn’t respect him a single eye Yoda.

I thought I saw a river, but I was mistaken. I must be getting see nile.

Which fish is easily scanned at checkout aisles? The barracoda.

If Shakespeare Worked at a Hardware Store:

• Measure for Measuring Tape
• Two Gentlemen of a Rona
• Taming of the Screw
• Romeo and Juliet Balcony
• Awl’s Well That Ends Well
• Tight As a Door Knocker? (Titus Andronicus)

How do epic poets hijack a ship? “Prepare to be bored dead.”

I can’t stand fishing in the creek. It’s way too crawdad.

What’s that smell? Eurozone.

I’m tired of greeting people warmly over the holla daze.

It’s the end of the colander. Have funnel on new year’s sieve.

Does boxing cause concussions? The evidence is spars.

Australian bestiality porn is known for its high koala titty production values. Some titles include Out back and the Tasmanal Devil.  You won’t roo your purchase. Watch as much as you Canberra, dingo emus yourself. If you haven’t Adelaide in a while, don’t worry. You’ll meet a lover with a new zeal and zest.

Electric cars are silent by deaf ignition.

Parsimony: when someone cheats at golf and then bribes a priest for forgiveness.

Good-looking women are not what they seem, in Belarus.

My friend speared a midget in the eye with her new boobs. I guess that’s what happens with imp-lants.

I bought a faulty bamboo toboggan from a panda. The panda ripped me off. Now I feel bamboosled.

I’m thinking of buying a cat. I’ve heard cats can be finicky. In fact, the pet store said that the cat that I want only eats religiously consecrated fish — from the superorder elopomorpha. Pretty weird. So… when I get that feline, I need sectual eelings?

Kleptomaniac amputees take a lot of faux toes.

Macchu Picchu: Where face-recognition technology was developed.

I went to France and took a dump in a street. Now I’m an accused merde horreur.

Dear Pun Gents, a pun for a mom replying to a kid when he complains about only four presents. ~Kate, Atlanta, GA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Cad’oh! [if you are French]
2. Don’t make me box your ears.
3. Sorry, that’s a wrap!
4. Look who’s stocking now.
5. Don’t act Wise Man with me. (Hey, Jesus only got three.)
6. Do I detect a note of Presentment?

Dear Pun Gents, I am looking for my roller derby name.  Based on my legal name (Kim Demone), my stature (small), my place of origin (east coast-Nova Scotia), or my hockey background. ~Kim, Canmore, AB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1. Mary Timer
2. Demone Child
3. Nikki Nova Scotia
4. S. Kate Blades
5. Bladey Jane

King Neptune never learned to ride a pike.

Perrier: a Canadian fencer’s drink of choice.

A wooden furniture salesman has to be patient: Teak talk, teak talk…

Successful mating results in spawn attaineous combustion.

When I pass the sugar, I do it violently. My nickname is the Hurry Cane.