Eating beans gives me a pulse hating headache.

Cow insults can be very hard to diss heifer.

If Apple changed its name to Pumpkin, would their computer be a Hackinsquash?

If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!

Do race car drivers skip brake fast?

When I think about money, I start to drool like a dog. It’s my Paylove-ian reflex.

The pumpkin farmer refused to raise cattle. He was afraid of being gourd.

Do mathematicians enjoy group sets?

I can’t help but stare at large mansions, especially since my wife always tells me to watch my manors.

I eat shredded cabbage with mayonnaise: I’m a slaw-biting citizen.

The story about the boy who had imaginary insect friends was very knew antsed.

The chef fired the waiter for disobeying hors d’oeuvres.

My cat is stupid. I’m taking him to be de-clod.

Fish porn? Deep Trout.

When two wrestlers join forces it is a called a tag team, aka a clobberation.

When French fashion designers stopped using yellow fabrics, they were accused of jaunicide.

Jesus preached his Thesis on Apiary Psychology, aka the Bee Attitudes.

Handing out entry bracelets at a concert is a safety precaution: it’s smart wrist management.

Fashion designers are wore mongers.

Wearing a tight bathing suit can cure men’s headaches, if it contains aspeedominophen.

If you are at the wrong end of a chainsaw accident, try to understand. To err is hew man.

When the power goes out at the morgue, you end up with more goo.

My Russian mechanic souped up my car. Now it drives like a Borscht!

There was a fat man who spoke in riddles. Talking to him was like entering a flabyrinth.

How does a farmer pick up women?

“Wanna ride on my barley? Let’s combine.”

They know how to a tractor!

I rent rowboats: I’m from new oar liens.

Is Rowan Atkinson’s career over yet? They should call him Mr. Been.

All my friends wear hats in their profile picture. They should call it FezBook!

Mathematicians refuse to wear g-strings. They don’t have orthongonal values.

If Sherlock Holmes was featured in a kids’ book would it have been ‘The Man in the Hat’ by Dr. Sleuth?

People in Luxembourg are huge fans of d’Coque.

If you’re operating a float plane in the bush, bring a flies water.

Is there is no L on Earth, then Stalin would just be a stain.

It’s hard to shoe a horse. Just ask David Hasslehoof.

The damsel in distress rejected the gallant knight. She was out of his liege.

NED: I caught you heating up your own booger!
ED: So?
NED: Your goos is cooked!

If you check the Internet Movie Database you’ll find many SQLs.

I’m a educated, and I’m a man. So don’t mock ma schoolin’.

Prostitutes in Krakow aren’t without screw Poles.

How you inspire a man who loves sheep?

“Ewe conduit!“

I’m hooked on soft drinks. I have a coke can addiction.

A fat man’s flatulence is truly flabber gas sting.

I wanted to go golfing but spent my day covered in dog vomit. I guess that’s barf for the curs.

You can get never get a straight answer from an oceanographer. They just say, “it deepens.”

When Yoko was down on her luck, her proctologist worked probe Ono.

If you’re a woman endowed with a divine bosom, you’ve god tit made.

Ridley Scott couldn’t sell the set from his 1979 movie because there was a lien on it.

The man who hated fake politeness was so renowned, when he died they preserved him in formality hide.

Loggers often have back problems. Usually in their lumbar area.