Sir Isaac Newton, upon watching a large crowd of peasants pointlessly measure the duration of a speech about wheel rods, announced with ridicule – “mass-timed axel oration equals farce!”
Why does milk explore interstellar space when ingested by a seagull?
Because it’s enter-gull-lactic!
Why should you face death by firing squad instead of running a marathon?
Because it’s better to be strafed than sore-kneed.
What tragedy occurred when the discoverer of radium served her pet a caffeinated beverage meant for equines?
Curie horse-tea killed the cat.
What did Philip II of Macedon say when his son refused to give up the cheese-slicer to the maid?
“Alex, hand her the grate!”
Why was Detective Twain encouraged after visiting the forensics lab in the case of The Bubblegum Murders?
Because he had the prints – and he’d soon have the popper.
Why does it not matter when Germans scratch their butts?
Because ass-itch in time saves nein.
Why did Moses think it was a mistake for his brother to worship beneath the leg of the Golden Calf?
Because he was Aaron on the side of cow-shin.
Hear about the female student of interpretation theory, who rejected her boyfriend because he had fleas?
Yes, her man knew tics.