NED: If I grab your ass in a bar, it’s not my fault.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: Because I suffer from copaphilia!
Ned and Ed
NED: Would you sleep with one of your relatives?
ED: Only if I had a nap kin.
NED: I can communicate with fish in distant oceans!
ED: Really?
NED: Yes.
ED: Why, you must be tilapiapathic!
NED: Yup – I just flex my mental mussels and tuna out distractions!
NED: I just farted on you!
ED: Why, you cretin – I am a gassed!
NED: I saw Benedict kneeling over.
ED: Is he OK?
NED: Yeah he’s just praying. Don’t worry, everything’s pope-ascetic.
NED: Are you going to the fumigation convention?
ED: Yeah, I picked up a couple ticks!
NED: Did the poet really jump out a building and kill himself on the concrete?
ED: Oh no – that was a met-a-floor.
NED: My lawyer works for me, pro bono…
ED: Really!? Why, that’s fee-nominal!
NED: I have an irrational fear that Santa will get tossed from his sleigh.
ED: What’s that?
NED: Claustrewphobia!
NED: Hear about the Greek mafia?
ED: Yeah – they always threaten to put a kappa in my ass!
NED: Didn’t they murder a bunch of Newfoundlanders?
ED: No – that was the psychotic Greek fraternity, Kappa Nu Phi.
NED: What about that strange fraternity located along the Nile river, it was called Chi Rho Delta, that now wants to open a bake shop.
ED: You mean Nu Pi Delta. Once I Eta Pithere – it was too expensive and now I Omega. But it was a big dessert. I Eta Omega Pi!
NED: Well I’m getting a little tired of Nu Pi Delta, as is their sister sorority.
ED: Xi Xi Xi?
NED: That’s right. And what about the fraternity for Esperanto lovers – Nu Alpha Beta.
ED: Or that sorority for fashionable fat ladies: Nu Mu Mu. My poodle got eaten there!
NED: I thought that was Eta Phi-Phi.
ED: And to get revenge on those ladies I borrowed a semiautomatic weapon. But I lost it and now it has to be replaced.
NED: Iota Nu Xi can help you with that.
ED: What about penis enlargement?
NED: Try Psi Xi Omega.
ED: Did you know dragon boat lovers are meeting at Rho Rho Rho?
NED: That’s nothing. The pranksters at Tau Rho Mu stack cows one atop the other!
ED: Funny, I had a beef patty the other day.
NED: At Eta Mu Pi?
ED: Yes. Say – did you hear about that kinky lesbian sorority. Legend has it Michael Douglas’ wife and Delta Burke had a fling there.
NED: You mean Delta Eta Zeta?
ED: Yes.