Don’t joke about Hillary Clinton and PMS - she’s the Secretory of State!

When President Obama needs to remember something, he just downloads it to Rahm.

Dear Pun Gents, I’d like a pun in response to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. ~Adam, Plymouth, MA (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The President really dropped Obama last night.
2. There was a lot of security in Washington for the speech. They emptied all the Baracks.
3. He promises action on Steve Jobs - and with the iPad, he’s delivered!
4. Why is he threatening to punish Banksy?
5. He’s repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ Finally he has his gaze on the military!
6. Another foreign policy blunder: a tax credit for Somali business?

Help Adam out: Comment below with your $0.02

Dear Pun Gents, something funny about John McCain swimming. ~Cody, Salem, OR

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. He’s had another stroke.
2. Is that John McCain drowning? He sounds hanoied.
3. He doesn’t like swimming. He shies away from blue states.
4. When he was drowning, he couldn’t find a Bush to grab onto.
5. John can’t swim in his home state. It’s an arid zone-a.
6. He’s so afraid of water whenever he gets near a pool he drops a senaturd.
7. Michael Phelp’s skills Palin comparison.

HELP CODY OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments,  just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted.

Dear Pun Gents, I would like some puns related to the election in Massachusetts. ~Adam, Plymouth, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Health care reform suffers Brown-out
2. Obama does penance in Mass.
3. Insure-ection!
4. They opened up a Kennedy wupass.
5. Massa-chooses-shit

HELP ADAM OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

The best place for a politician to apologize? Parle-lament.

Was the Reign of Terror peaceful? It was a blood-loss revolution, after all.

Which branch of study concerns the Communist movement?

Castrophysics.

Hamas was elected in the Palestinian territories after promising not to implement environmental measures, such as the controversial car-bomb tax.

The amputee politician was vainly obsessed with his leg I see.

Even though the Sri Lankan civil war is over, there’s still a lot of violence. It’s not exactly smooth Ceylon.

Citizens have the inalienable right to smoke, according to the Constitution. It’s enshrined in the Billow Rights.

What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.

What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.

New Puns on Demand filled today!

VP candidate Sarah claims to know that the world was created 6,000 years ago—but most Palin-ontologists would disagree.

When reporters asked Pierre Trudeau if his carpet would ever match his drapes, he replied “Just swatch me!”

The Canadian people will tolerate a dictator. Which is why its parliament is pro-roguing.

For a while I was afraid Obama might not win—it was a case of Baracknophobia.

Womanizers prefer a female monarch—so they can pledge feel-titty to the queen.

High-ranking government ministers take taxis everywhere. They enjoy cabinet.

Barack Obama is much younger than his Republican rival. He was recently quoted as declaring, “I don’t need my cane as president!”

When reporters asked the Iranian president how he felt about America, he responded, “My mood? I’m mad! Didn’tcha know that?”

Stephen Harper just gave Canada a kick in the arts.

Morgan Tsvangirai, the leader of the opposition was silenced this week because he’s in Bob’s way.

Kremlins are a threat to demogwaicy

All political speechwriters should be sentenced to death by electoral-elocution.

People who take flight from Cuba, never to return are known as Castro-nots.

Many Quebecers venerate their province’s flag, but trample on the Canadian flag. One is the Fleur de Lis, the other is the floor doiley.

Genocidal clan killings in Africa? Don’t get me started on a die a tribe!

In the US presidential primaries, vegetarians are overwhelmingly supporting the Democrats. To them Mitt is murder, and there’s no glove lost.

Irate protesters in Pakistan won’t rest until Musharraf is hung like a horse. That won’t be too hard, as he claims he can already pack his Stanfield.

American justice is an oxymoron, because the laws were made in an incongress fashion.

Pakistani President Musharraf is an excellent dancer. In the last few days, he showed the world he knows how to shake his Bhutto.

The state of emergency may be over, but the President’s dictatorship in Pakistan remains Pervez-ive.

Autonomy for midgets? I don’t believe in elf-rule!

When they cloned the great communist philosopher, it was a re-Marxable achievement.

Look out Pakistan - there’s a Musharraf in town!

My friend Chad once had dimples. Now he has a florid a-ppearance, after being gored in the bush.

For those who criticize socialized medicine: ICU in Hell.

The vote for electoral reform came up MMP.

The embattled Russian emperor was thrown into a ditch. Upon being pulled out, he remarked, “I am not a fan of Czar chasm.”

NED: Does Ontario have electile dysfunction?
ED: If they do, it’s because political support is softening.

President Bush once took off his socks and spread out his pedal phalanges in Congress. He was criticized for abusing his ‘V’-toe.

Fight the Mujahideen? So viet.

In Russia, militant fans of punk music walk around with Clashnikovs. Their enemies fight back with Sex Pistols. At the end of the battle there are loud Ramones of pain. And blood is Ozzying from everywhere.

Which disease devastated Russia for centuries?

CZARS.

NED: Will Schwarzenegger be re-elected in California?
ED: Yes - he’s the two-terminator

My Soviet-made car never worked. It had a Lada problems. It was a Lenin. It kept Stalin; I would always have to use my feet, and Trotsky to work - and that is total Bolshevik!

The newly-elected mayor was a midget, practised in the art of smallitics.