Plastic fruit will be banned at the upcoming G8/20 summits in Toronto. Officials have to secure the pear-imitator.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write Oil Wells that End Well.

Is there a Greece fire? I see bill owing smoke.

The iPad is a product of eons of geology. Specifically, slate tech-tronics.

Cojonan O’brien really had balls standing up to NBC, after getting bumped by the Jay Jay.

After Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger’s writing career stayed in a Holden pattern. And he would never field any cauls.

Dear Pun Gents, I’d like a pun in response to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. ~Adam, Plymouth, MA (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The President really dropped Obama last night.
2. There was a lot of security in Washington for the speech. They emptied all the Baracks.
3. He promises action on Steve Jobs - and with the iPad, he’s delivered!
4. Why is he threatening to punish Banksy?
5. He’s repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ Finally he has his gaze on the military!
6. Another foreign policy blunder: a tax credit for Somali business?

Help Adam out: Comment below with your $0.02

iPad? Should be ‘iPaid already’, for the iPod, the iTouch, and the iPhone. This one should be free!

Dear Pun Gents, something funny about John McCain swimming. ~Cody, Salem, OR

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. He’s had another stroke.
2. Is that John McCain drowning? He sounds hanoied.
3. He doesn’t like swimming. He shies away from blue states.
4. When he was drowning, he couldn’t find a Bush to grab onto.
5. John can’t swim in his home state. It’s an arid zone-a.
6. He’s so afraid of water whenever he gets near a pool he drops a senaturd.
7. Michael Phelp’s skills Palin comparison.

HELP CODY OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

Dear Pun Gents, I would like some puns related to the election in Massachusetts. ~Adam, Plymouth, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Health care reform suffers Brown-out
2. Obama does penance in Mass.
3. Insure-ection!
4. They opened up a Kennedy wupass.
5. Massa-chooses-shit

HELP ADAM OUT: Comment below with your $0.02.

Tiger Woods’ career has philandered.

All eyes are on Tiger’s wood. It’s affair way to heaven to marry a celebrity, but I wouldn’t take him back for alimony in the world.

The parents of that kid Falcon were absolute balloonatics.

Trouble getting a visa?   A MEXican can sympathize.

Did the CEO of General Motors just wake up one day and say, “G, M broke!”?

The recessionary economy follows the laws of soup line and demand.

Kim Jong Il is a happy fellow. He missiles while he works.

What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.

What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.

New Puns on Demand filled today!

Stop maiming each other; we’re running out of Gauze-a!

Korean bankers of late have a very won appearance.

Piracy is big business. It ain’t no Somali change.

Palin spent $150,000 on campaign outfits?

If she keeps that up, she certainly won’t clothes The Gap.

In Macauley Culkin’s latest film, Home Loan: everyone know which villains are at default. There’s a celebration for Wall Street bankers, and they catch the bad guys at a subprime party.

Mountaineers got really confused during the Why-K2 Crisis.

The US economy is debt in the water. Nothing can fill its sales.

Barack Obama is much younger than his Republican rival. He was recently quoted as declaring, “I don’t need my cane as president!”

When Monica Lewinsky interned for Santa, she spent a lot of time servicing the North Pole. However, the wind blew and the weather sucked; she tried to quit, but Santa kept her around to polish his candy canes. Feeling exploited, she launched a Clause-suction lawsuit.

Rural America is being asked to bale out Wall Street. Most Americans don’t understand the crisis, so it had to be explained to them in Lehman’s terms. The bulls have lost; how quickly the Bears Sterns! The bank CEOs have been advised to keep off the streets, lest they be Merrilly Lynched.

Which bacterial illness is often caught by celebrities?

A-listeriosis.

Morgan Tsvangirai, the leader of the opposition was silenced this week because he’s in Bob’s way.

Aid workers want to enter Burma. But they must wait til they’ve been de-Laosed.

The current sub-prime mortgage crisis recalls that great comedy film, ie Home A Loan.

When New Orleans was sinking, all FEMA did was declare Louisiana a state of emergent sea.

Irate protesters in Pakistan won’t rest until Musharraf is hung like a horse. That won’t be too hard, as he claims he can already pack his Stanfield.

The New Orleans levy inspectors will be forever dammed.

Pakistani President Musharraf is an excellent dancer. In the last few days, he showed the world he knows how to shake his Bhutto.

In the days leading up to Christmas, people in San Francisco did everything they could to avoid the mauls, as they were a real zoo. The only people who weren’t worried were lawyers with an escape claws.

The state of emergency may be over, but the President’s dictatorship in Pakistan remains Pervez-ive.

Breaking News: Conrad Black just felon hard times. The newspaper magnate has attracted a lot of press recently.

Look out Pakistan - there’s a Musharraf in town!

My friend Chad once had dimples. Now he has a florid a-ppearance, after being gored in the bush.

Saddam gained weight in his later years. He was known as the Ba’ath tub.

Saddam had one cousin, a punster, who escaped prosecution. His name was Comic-ali, and he sassed the Kurds.

NED: The Gaza conflict troubles me.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: I don’t know, but it affects Mahmoud.

It’s important to make jokes about the New Orleans disaster. Tragic situations demand a bit of leveety.

It was recently discovered that spearfishers are gay. Because they Lance Bass.

War on Terror prisoner scandals? Man, shit keeps hitting the fan down in Cuba. They should call it One Mo’ Ton O’ Guano Bay.

The angry mob tortured the newspaper editor by cooking him inside a Rose of Mohammed. It was the dark days - of the Danish Imposition.

Presidential Pancake Advisor, Karl Shrove, always waffled on the issues. He was always out checking his Blueberry.