Lance Armstrong felt better after appearing on Oprah. She gave him performance-enhancing hugs. Nonetheless, Lance committed male fraud: He was master of the pellets-on. Somehow he never failed his testes—he didn’t stop until he had one. Now, stripped of his Tour titles, the most shocking revelation is that Lance has a No Jersey accent. Anyway I guess it’s back to eating Sheryl Crow. [The Gents thank Ashley, Bryan and Jordan for collaborating on today’s puns!]
The boxer who turned priest found much glee in visiting his former ring opponents who were now old and sick, and administering a few last rights.
I pray before every archery match. Aimin’ to that.
Who’s the strongest basketball player? A: LeBron.
The municipal government decided to withdraw funds from their lawnbowling leagues, and hold a massive city-wide orgy instead. Needless to say, the associations of elderly lawnbowlers protested this senseless act of de-bocce-ry.
Do foreign baseball players speak pitchin’ English?
Next season, Walter White becomes a baseball slugger, in Breaking Bat.
Movie about the first female umpire: Official Called Wanda.
Which Olympic event is most painful?
Never date a downhill skier. You’ll end up with slopey seconds.