Women who have tattoos of drink containers are cute, because Thermos tats keep things hot!

Hear about the dyslexic chemist who would have sex with birds? He insisted on studying the properties of mangeesium.

This World Cup was one for the Guinness Book of Redcards.

If Jesus had been a chiropractor, would there have been millions of disc I pulls?

A lot of volcano eruptions are caused by grubs. It must be all the moultin’ larvae.

How does a short-order cook wish you good luck?

“Break an egg!”

Raising chickens isn’t easy. You have to think outside the boks.

Spice Girls, the Movie? It’s about thyme.

To a vegetarian, meat is murder. But for a sandwich, meat is mortar.

After they were massacred in the Clone Wars, there was a darth of jedi.

People in India are always being type-caste.

There was a recently released study on rectal occlusions. What does it pooer-port to say?

What’s wrong with tap water? Bottled water is an unnecessary aqua-sition.

Many of our schoolchildren know next to nothing about moss! I’m worried it’s a crisis of sphagnumeracy.

Optometry is a competitive field. Many practitioners feel pressured to take stareoids.

Going to jail is  quite the bar gain.

Gay porn is now recyclable. Waste not wanton nuts.

Do Ms. Minelli’s ex-husbands all get together and play Liza tag?

The corn farmer was so cheap. Everyone called him a maizer.

Barbershop quartets sing a capella. But In Africa, berbershop quartets sing a cape buffalo.

Too much cereal gives me my grains.

Wasn’t there an oil rigger in that group, the Spillage People?

Shakespeare’s works have recently been climbing up the bestseller charts. It’s a sonnet boom!

Who sets our nutrition policies? Is it the feds?

Sexual harassment is a big problem at tap-ass bars.

Darth Vader threw a root vegetable at his son’s car. He said ‘Luke, I yam your four-door!’

Plastic fruit will be banned at the upcoming G8/20 summits in Toronto. Officials have to secure the pear-imitator.

In France, cats attack birds, nest paw?

A very rich and famous dwarf passed away recently. He was low dead.

Japanese cartoon gameshow: Whose Line Is It, Animé?

The inventors of the silicone breast implant are long since retired. But I just want to say tanks for the mammaries.

NED: Do you laugh at heart attack puns?

ED: Yes. Artery hard har!

What did one meth addict say to the other? Let’s be frenzy.

Whirled Cup is what happens when my wife gets mad at me.

Alanis Morrisette was so adamantly opposed to sheep being given the right to drive, that she wrote a song about it: Ewe, Auto, No!

A book is an example of an eye-speed communication device.

I wish telemarketers would take ban-call a days.

Hear about the just-announced, sleek new pancake-making device from Apple? The iHop.

Lichen will only grow on a tree if it achieves a critical moss.

Yoga can be dangerous. If you’re dressing for a class - wear a hazmat suit.

Buttered scones can give you heart attacks. Keep eating them and you might need an angliopastry.

If you’re at sea and want to hold an election, you have to cast your ballast.

They dont build guns like they used too. Too many modern firearms show signs of shotty workmanship.

The human body is 65% water, a 2:1 ratio. This explains our banking/financial crises: we are far too highly beveraged.

As I’m a Flyers fan, the Blackhawks’ victories leave me Toews and confused.

Dear Pun Gents, our CEO is starting a blog with two other high-up ladies in the company and are looking for a name for it. They are all members of the board if that helps. ~John, Birmingham, UK (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Blogs Have More Fun
2. Blong-term Strategies
3. I CEO U
4. Chairmen of the Bored
5. Three’s Company
6. Wisdom of the Profits
7. Veep Tweets

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write Oil Wells that End Well.

A declawed cat has limited paws abilities.

For unemployed physicists, the Large Hadron Collider is a make-quark project.

Which Greek philosopher’s wife never shaved? Heraclitas.