I went to France and took a dump in a street. Now I’m an accused merde horreur.

Dear Pun Gents, a pun for a mom replying to a kid when he complains about only four presents. ~Kate, Atlanta, GA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Cad’oh! [if you are French]
2. Don’t make me box your ears.
3. Sorry, that’s a wrap!
4. Look who’s stocking now.
5. Don’t act Wise Man with me. (Hey, Jesus only got three.)
6. Do I detect a note of Presentment?

Dear Pun Gents, I am looking for my roller derby name.  Based on my legal name (Kim Demone), my stature (small), my place of origin (east coast-Nova Scotia), or my hockey background. ~Kim, Canmore, AB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1. Mary Timer
2. Demone Child
3. Nikki Nova Scotia
4. S. Kate Blades
5. Bladey Jane

King Neptune never learned to ride a pike.

Perrier: a Canadian fencer’s drink of choice.

A wooden furniture salesman has to be patient: Teak talk, teak talk…

Successful mating results in spawn attaineous combustion.

When I pass the sugar, I do it violently. My nickname is the Hurry Cane.

Boo-merang: when you angrily send back your pie.

Those who feed coffee liqueurs to chickens and then bang them with a gong are part of a nefarious secret society: the Kahlua Clucks Clang.

Exam markers are just employees mass grading as professors.

Was Helen Keller born without hearing? Deaf innately not.

Chicken-related humour is at a crossroads.

After Timberlake went to that famed Ukrainian watershed - he wrote ‘Crimea River‘.

Winner of the Toastmasters award for ‘best speech about handguns’ won a Glock n’ spiel.

You must shave down below if you live in a mow nasty hairy.

The renegade employee who defecated in an aquarium was accused of sharking his doodies.

The secret ingredient in Red Bull: Minotaurine.

What movie was based on the memoirs of a college cannibal? A: The Grad u ate.

I went out with a tranny. It was great. By the end, I felt ex-Stacey.

I used to live in a tarp; that was the ex-tent of my  housing.

What does Santa say in November? Mo Mo Mo.

Hisspanics are afraid of snakes.

Kim Kardashian made off with a stolen auto. When cops found her, there was copious junk in her trunk. And the rack was overloaded.

Noblemen don’t take any crap.

After my friend and I underwent painful foreskin removal - we found ourselves in strange circum stances

Someone who gets run over at a Black Friday sale: Wal-Martyr.

When the college dormitory tampon machine broke, they declared a coed red.

Which birds are most religious? Geeses of Nazereth.

I bought a castle from a fat nobleman. I heard I could get a hefty viscount.

What kind of flooring is inherently sheepish? Lamb innate.

Candy factories rely on sweet shop labour.

Air-traffic controllers are plane spoken.

Writing a symphony is a draw note process.

I miss sugar. After all these years we glucose.

Dear Pun Gents, I’m looking for a bowling team name for a party where my girlfriend is turning 50. ~Mel, Del Rio, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. We’re Never Splitting
2. No Spare Tires
3. Lane With You
4. 10 Pins, 50 Candles
5. Strike ManDate
6. The Pinishers
7. Pin it to Win it
8. Thanks for your donation, Mel!

I refuse to make my own sandwich. I rely on sub contractors.

Two Commandments of Whale Diarrhea:

1. Thou Shart Not Krill
2. Thou Shall Not Bear False Wetness

Dear Pun Gents, we’re a group of nine women who love to drink are headed to Las Vegas for the half-marathon the first week of December 2011.  We need a clever name for our team shirts.  Please help!  ~Katharine, San Antonio, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Martini Boppers
2. A Stirred in the Hand
3. 13-Miley Cyruses
4. 13 Miles, 26 Oz
5. Mango Lasses
6. Queens of the Cosmo’s
7. Boozundeit
8. Laps and Relapse
9. Kahlualass
10. Tequila Stocking Birds
11. Running on Empties
12. Raising the Bartender
13. Talk the Detox
14. Tavern and Shirleys
15. Beers are not Enough
16. Desert Heat
17. Jet Legged
18. Stride Me
19. The Vodkouple (if there were two of you)
20. Distill my Heart
21. PS thanks for the donation!

My expensive car got stuck in the mud. I know what you’re thinking: Porsche muck.

Ungulate perfumes tend to be a gnu scents.

The journalist refused to see a doctor. He didn’t want to reveal ass-sores.

If you’re going to insult Greece, be diss Crete.

The agile prostitute kept in shape by parkwhoring.

Eminem owns two pipelines in Central Asia:

1. Gas Uzbek
2. ‘Stan

(what about Sallim Zashadi)?

I got kicked out of my yacht. It doesn’t boat dwell.

Arguments about love tend to be amorphuss.

Sumos are litigious.

Methuselah was the oldest drug addict in the Bible.

In Bangalore, many things are prohibited.