Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

Hear about the dyslexic man who would eat too much dessert, then immediately go play at the lanes?

He suffered from pie-bowler disorder.

The unemployed man was married to a woman who was never satisfied. When he finally got a job, she was irate nonetheless. "Now," she said, "you are home less!"

My cat is so happy that I invested in stocks on his behalf. And believe me, the feline is mutual!

Imams don't like it when people lose a lot of weight. I knew one who even issued fatwas.

When men become priests, they often get tattoos on their bellies, because they are permanently ab staining.

WWII porn?

Dieppe Throat.

When the cows jumped over the moon, it was steer and udder luna-see.

If you're Hindu you should never let your mom drive. It's bad karma.

When someone farts he becomes the scenter of attention.

David Duchovny couldn't get over his old girlfriend. He was an ex-phile.

Mozart thought he was God. Whenever someone asked his name, he said "I am a deus."

NED: Joe Malignant is no longer my friend.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because - he's always spreading tumours about me!

Motto of a necrophage: "Nice tomb eat you!"

We were discussing what exactly made Skeletor evil. But then we gave up, because it was just arguing He-mantics.

In summertime haemophiliacs enjoy spending time at the clottage. But if it's closed they'll go to a bled-and-breakfast.

The pope just turned 90. So the Vatican had a big celibation.

I dialled the fetish shop, but no one was ass-ring the phone!

If you let your testicles get too cold, you may suffer from hypospermia.

Shortest distance between two points on the river Nile is a hippopotamus.

Do Eskimos believe in recicicling?

If you're bald, you shouldn't borrow somebody else's wig. That would be tresspassing.

When Dracula took the stand, the prosecutor probed quite personally into his undead lifestyle. The lawyer for the vampire objected, however. "Your honour," he said, "council is bleeding the witness!"

Some media outlets produce twice as much crap as normal. Especially when they're biassed.

How do you tell if a soccer player is dead?

He doesn't respond to the coroner kick.

What's a homeless musician's favourite instrument?

'obo.

NED: What's the proper term for sculpting a midget?
ED: You mean, what's the gnome-in-clay-ture?

My niece ate my nephew. Such a little munch-kin!

In the Bible, who was stowed away in the belly of a ship?

Jonah of Ark.

The proctologist cut down drastically on his patient load, because he was on hole-a-day.