Jesus barely passed his high school chemistry exams. They made a movie of it: The Last Titration of Christ. He was tested by the devil.

Hideous mutants rarely eat together. There is no such thing as a freak lunch.

When rocker Jagger yawns, the Earth shakes. It's a sighs Mick event.

My Soviet-made car never worked. It had a Lada problems. It was a Lenin. It kept Stalin; I would always have to use my feet, and Trotsky to work - and that is total Bolshevik!

NED: I'm hooked on bird puns!
ED: Oh no
NED: I'm a heron addict - a total loon.
ED: Oh no!
NED: I'm thinking of sticking up a bank, and holding everyone ostrich!

NED: I believe Homeland Security depends on two things:
ED: What's that?
NED: First, honouring our sheep, and second, constipating our pigeons.
ED: Really?
NED: Yes! Everyone knows that ewe-knighted we stand, while dove-voided we fall.

The newly-elected mayor was a midget, practised in the art of smallitics.

Oozing with mystery, the Ancient Greeks were Minoan for their seCrete societies.

There is a cure for constipation which involves eating, not less, but more, until you're stuffed. It's very expensive, however, this 'bloating' laxative. It's for the swell-to-doo.

If you blow on a stamp instead of licking it, does that make you a fellatelist?

Ketchup sales are lagging far behind, after it was found that musturd is also a laxative.

Charles Dickens was quite moved after witnessing the foul, unhygienic conditions of the English workers. One time he saw a man spitting phlegm down a sewer, and was so disgusted that he wrote a novel about it: Grate Expectorations.

The fugitive chemist eluted justice for years. However, he eventually made mistakes that precipitated his arrest. It seems he had spent his fugitive years posing as a gay lawyer, but his partner was smarter than he was, and eventually turned the chemist in when he saw him on America's Most Wanted. The chemist should never have slept with a homo genius.

Do drag queens wear cross-trannyers?

If your child has no father, you must go to France and hire a no-pere.

I swear - the best fucking car out there is the F-word Taurus.

The study of little person DNA figures prominently in the Human G-nome Project.

Those who make fun of Italian stereotypes, ironically enjoy drinking gourmet Italian coffee - particularly 'mockaginos'.

I hate going to Belgium. All that hustle and Brussels!

Stressed out? Consider hiring a dromedary - they have a very cameling effect.

When the saviour of Nottingham Forest got an honourary degree from Oxford, he had to wear a robe and hood.

What does Pat Sajak say in a pet store?

"Would you like to buy an owl?"

Do female mountain climbers use crampons for hygiene?

Breaking news - say hello to Zanta, our gnuest PunShine Boy!

Polish cooking has its ups and downs; its highlights and its lowlights; its apogees and its perogies.

Becoming an expert nipple-tweaker is a trial-and-areola process.

I'm thinking of buying one of those vegetable-powered, 'biodiesel' cars. In fact I hear the new Strutabagar is quite comfortable. It has ample leg-ume.

Peer pressure is rife within motorcycle gangs. The problem is everywhere. Really, it's 'u-bike-wit'-us'!

Someone stole my Swedish car: it's a real Saab story. I don't mean to get emotional; I guess I'm too inVolvo'ed. Heck I've even considered going scuba diving, to see if it's buried underwater - but I'm afraid of getting the Benz. I know, it's my own fault; I really should be driving a Mazda Me-oughta, especially after the hos had blown on my loaner, a Poontiac. GM cars really make me Buick. (As for British imports - get Bentley!)

If you don't get into heaven, take soulless.

Castro is getting rid of his nation's humiliating food lineups. "Because," he explained, "we are Queue-ban."