Lorena Bobbitt proved that the penis not mightier than the sword.... her favourite Bryan Adams song is 'Cuts like a wife'... The Bobbitts got divorced - John is currently unattached... When the gym cut off his membership, he kept trying to rejoin... (sorry)

Women love reading Charlie Brown. They have Peanuts envy.

When the pope ordered Catholics to follow his example and gird their loins, he was accused of robing 'peter' to pape all.

I believe that, despite its name, 'Crazy Glue' should be taken seriously. But then again - I'm an epoxy moron.

Some people are lactose intolerant, but galactose is universally tolerated.

If I were a tree, I wood like poplar music. Especially Spruce Sprigsteen. Or Johnny Cash's Balsam Prison Blues.

MidEast rappers? The legendary MC Hamir sang 'Too Legit Tikrit'.

Fight the Mujahideen? So viet.

Do Spanish homeowners prefer Joaquin closets?

In Russia, militant fans of punk music walk around with Clashnikovs. Their enemies fight back with Sex Pistols. At the end of the battle there are loud Ramones of pain. And blood is Ozzying from everywhere.

Portobello mushrooms in the morning is a breakfast of champignons!

When a massive fire erupted at the brothel, the clients were ordered to ejaculate the building immediately.

What's a flasher's favourite meal?

Stroganoff!

NED: Being a cremator is a lucrative business.
ED: How's that?
NED: You urn a lot!

NED: Hear about the Greek mafia?
ED: Yeah - they always threaten to put a kappa in my ass!
NED: Didn't they murder a bunch of Newfoundlanders?
ED: No - that was the psychotic Greek fraternity, Kappa Nu Phi.
NED: What about that strange fraternity located along the Nile river, it was called Chi Rho Delta, that now wants to open a bake shop.
ED: You mean Nu Pi Delta. Once I Eta Pithere - it was too expensive and now I Omega. But it was a big dessert. I Eta Omega Pi!
NED: Well I'm getting a little tired of Nu Pi Delta, as is their sister sorority.
ED: Xi Xi Xi?
NED: That's right. And what about the fraternity for Esperanto lovers - Nu Alpha Beta.
ED: Or that sorority for fashionable fat ladies: Nu Mu Mu. My poodle got eaten there!
NED: I thought that was Eta Phi-Phi.
ED: And to get revenge on those ladies I borrowed a semiautomatic weapon. But I lost it and now it has to be replaced.
NED: Iota Nu Xi can help you with that.
ED: What about penis enlargement?
NED: Try Psi Xi Omega.
ED: Did you know dragon boat lovers are meeting at Rho Rho Rho?
NED: That's nothing. The pranksters at Tau Rho Mu stack cows one atop the other!
ED: Funny, I had a beef patty the other day.
NED: At Eta Mu Pi?
ED: Yes. Say - did you hear about that kinky lesbian sorority. Legend has it Michael Douglas' wife and Delta Burke had a fling there.
NED: You mean Delta Eta Zeta?
ED: Yes.

There's a labour shortage in the auto industry. Those who put new treads on cars are all retiring.

Hear about the independent sheep who wanted muttonomy? The ram's drive for freedom goated her on.

NED: I've got a shameful scientific confession.
ED: What's that?
NED: Well, I've been dabbling in...
ED: What is it?
NED: Well, it's reverse-life-cycle cloning...
ED: What??
NED: Yes. Reverse-life-cycle cloning. I can't bear the guilt any more...
ED: For god's sake, man - get an old of yourself!

Do old-time hockey players get gerihat-tricks?

The fastidious mathematician's favourite show was Ln Order.

What do you think about Polland?

Scientific research has become too consumer-driven. Entire disciplines have been compromised. Buyology is a good example.

Do eunuch actors get paid at the cast rate?

A vegetable farmer was feeling left behind by technology. In frustration he threw a bushel of peas on the floor. He cried "Now that's a pod cast!"

Do lovers in tropical climates enjoy the moansoon season?

New evidence indicates that Jesus was in fact a proctologist by trade, rather than a carpenter. In fact, he was a fissurer of men.

Pat and Rhain's definiton of 'bravery': to throw an amphibian at a jungle cat. That person has truly toad the lion.

NED: I don't trust people who talk about staining wood.
ED: Why not?
NED: Because - they are say-tannic.

Hear about the gay tourist in Egypt who was excited to see the sphincts?

Is someone who stomps on your foot a clap-toe-maniac?