Spraypaint on a wall goes against my mural code.

Hear about the diet soft drink for Boomers?

Empty Nestea.

Hear about the basketball player being sued? What a bunch of hooplaw. I bet it never makes it to court.

My dad tried to fuel his car with Viagra. Erected pretty bad. Though I also heard the AAA is trying to pass off Viagra as fuel. I think they're stiffing their members with that one! The cops pulled me over and said 'Here, penis cup.' Also, Viagra has a new celebrity spokesman. That's right: Randy Johnson.

Although they are annoying, don't swat away the pigeons. They might get depressed, and commit shoo-aside.

The Chippewan Indians have a gradual approach.

How did the Virgin Mary deliver her baby? Emmanuel labour.

For years the tobacco companies marketed smoking to minors. Even now they sell cigarettes by the cartoon.

What's the international language of single people?

Desperanto.

I wish I could meat a nice anorexic girl. I recently tried dating someone who is bulimic. But she always wanted to fight. So I said "Ok - throw em up!"

Some kinkos like to make love to pachyderms. They call it their elephantasy. I vory about them. They love the tusky odours. Although, it helps to get a bit trunk first.

With thunderous applause the fans welcomed the recently-acquired shortstop Muhammad Mustafa-Aziz for his first ever plate appearance. Mustafa-Aziz enthusiastically responded to the crowd's ovation with a grand salaam.

I always get lost driving on New Year's eve. I blame the Old Lane Signs.

Popular fonts? Aerial gets a good reception.

Jews who celebrate Christmas are rare. They're definitely in the menorah-tree.

A cow's favourite prayer is "Hail Mary, full of graze..." It's even more popular than the Our Fodder.

Wayne Gretzky puns are hokey. I'm so tired of that schtick. It's always the same pucking thing. No more Mr Ice Guy!

I wanted to be an organ donor, but the doctors never de-livered.

Hear about the disgusting native Indian cannibal, who smelled like raw Siouxage?

Is it true that Scientology books can help you bed women?

Yes- Hubbard in the hand is worth two in the bush!

NED: I don't believe that Native Indians were able to use every single part of the caribou...
ED: Hey, what exactly are you Inuit-sinewating?

When a magician bakes bread, he doesn't wands it - he kneads it.

The spread of testicular cancer has reached epididymis proportions.

Hear about the dog that tried to bite baby Jesus?

It had a bad case of the manger!

Mobile technology has not freed mankind from slavery. This, despite the promise of the self-own.

Mountaineering? You might hurt your feet if you climb Krakatoa.

A famous composer was also a cyclist. But he refused to ride his new bach, because of the handel bars. So he took it back to the chopin began to rattle off a lizst of complaints. "Grrr... Schwinns," he cried. But the store owner didn't understand his unwillingness to ride. 'Hey, it's beets hooven' he said, 'especially if you're bizet! I was hoofin' the other day, and got gum on my schubert!' Riding is certainly better than taking de bussy; except if your bike is too heavy. This fellow's ride weighed 20 kilobrahms! He took a ride by a painter's castle once and admired the moat's art. But some half-German, half-Russian idiot almost ran him over - what a scheisskopfsky! The composer fell headlong into a dog turd: a wipeout of operatic proportions - it was poo-chinny! He almost baroque his face, and was so shamed he went into haydn. Lessons learned? Cycling is a taste one must a choir. But if you decide to give up halfway through a ride, de bussy now comes with a bike-rachmaninoff!

Do the IT technicians on Sesame Street have to defraggle their hard drives?

Some hobbits have both sex organs, ie the hermafrododites. They don't need to bother with plastic bilbos.

I always lose track of time - on Whensday.