Why is the Maytag man so lonely?

His wife is fridged.

The inventor of any cow-measuring device will receive size a bull royalties.

Which nationalist element reacts violently with all neighbouring elements?

Germanium.

If a proctologist smells well, it's because he wears expensive colon. As for urologists, they prefer eau de toilette.

The retired earthquake expert began a new career as a construction consultant specializing in large shopping centers. He was known as the world's foremost sizemallogist.

There was a dream match at the World Ping-Pong tournament, where in the last game the seeded #1 faced the seeded #2. Fans called this dramatic match the Peeing-Pooing Finale.

I wouldn't stand a chance competing in Vientiane Idol. It's a Lao sing proposition!

Jesus often sucked on balloons. It was because they contained healium.

Did you hear that rectal piercings can be poisonous? Some of them contain arse nic!

Why should you feed margarine to a farting parrot?

Because - it's polly unflatulated!

If Bill Gates leaves, his company MightGrowSoft. And if they drop the Ballmer it'd be even worse.

Group swimmers at the Olympics aren't given much choice. For them, it's synchro swim.

Leguminous plants have a reputation for bean stalkers. In fact they caught a nut outside the hospital, a real crazy lentil patient, whom they nabbed watching a chick pea in the can (they knew it was a guy because of his finely trimmed pistachio). He wanted to mac a dame, especially one from macadamia. They threatened to soup his ass, but he said 'Legu me, almond innocent fellow. It's not my fault, I'm an old clover of hers, and she pushed me over the veg!' She kicked his peanuts and said 'Don't let me cashew in here again - it'll be a long time before alfafa that again' and when he went to the bathroom the next day his pea was split . And he had next to nodules.

There's a new upscale periodical for fashionable, flatulent men. It's called Ass choir Magazine.

I have a cool aunt. I call her Auntie Freeze.

We've all heard about trans fats, but what about tranny fats? Do they come from androgynated vegetable oil?

The nerdiest rock band ever?

Deep Urkel.

Are you blue? Grab some Lactantia. You'll feel butter.

Do parole officers suffer from constipulation?

Eskimos are so smart. Every response is 'I nuit'.

I met a sheep swindler in the Yukon.

Eminem came on stage and the audience was rapped.

If you don't know any cool swear words, ask someone from an Ah - Frickin' country.

People who don't use deodorant are threatening the b-o-sphere. Which is dangerous, because that's all that separates us from odour space. I mean, they've already destroyed the nose-zone layer!

NED: I have a knocker on my house door.
ED: Really. You have a knocker.
NED: Does that impress you?
ED: Yes. You deserve the No Bell prize.

I'm so sick of vegetarian propaganda. Just the flax, please!

If karate is a form of kung-fu, is kickboxing a form of toe-fu?

Don't mind my friend the carpenter. He tends to stair.

Gnus Item: Check out our latest Punshine. It's been a while, but figure skater Jen is well worth the wait. Axellent!

Hear about the disgruntled septic tank cleaner who's trying to find a plumber job?

I don't like cheap pens. I'm fauxbic.